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The Change In Your Kid Starts With You

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Parents often ask me to coach their pre-teen and teenage kids. They are concerned that their children are having difficulties in school, with homework, chores, handling their emotions, mornings and evenings. Parents would like to see their kids change.

Many parents are completely surprised when I tell them that in order to see their children make progress, the first place that change has to happen is with them.

Wait, what?? 

Yes, it’s true. YOU are going to have to make some changes if you want your kiddo to do so.

Here’s a common example. Your kid is constantly running late in the morning. They have missed the school bus many times, causing you to run behind on starting your day because you have to drive them to school. There are arguments every morning. You feel exhausted right at the beginning of the day. How can this situation be addressed and improved?

We could say that your child needs to get out of bed earlier, should put their phone away, ought to pick out their clothes the night before, or just needs to grow up. But saying this over and over will not make change happen. However, if YOU make changes – for example, taking their phone out of their room at bedtime so that it’s unavailable for morning scrolling, working with your child to figure out timing for the different parts of the morning routine, maybe even setting up a reward system – then there is a shot at improvement.

Here are some general parental changes that are a good starting point:

1 – Learn as much as you can about ADHD – Read. Watch videos. Go online – not TikTok, but real qualified sources of information. Join CHADD and other support groups. Develop a really solid understanding of what ADHD is and isn’t, the science behind ADHD, and common misconceptions. I’m alarmed when I find out that parents haven’t done this. If your child had diabetes, wouldn’t you want to know everything about it? Well, the same applies to ADHD.

2 – Keep in mind that kids with ADHD are often 2 – 3 years behind their peers in terms of their executive functions  – So this means the statement “a kid who is _____ years old should be able to _________” is completely pointless. By their birth date your child may be 13 years old, but in terms of their development, they could be somewhere around 10 or 11, causing them to be incapable of what their age mates can do.

3 – Take the role of advocating for your child seriously – As a retired teacher, I hate to say this, but many teachers still have not gotten the training they need to work with kids with ADHD. Other adults may not know anything at all. You may have to (nicely!) go toe to toe with teachers, principals, sports team coaches, camp directors, family members. This is, however, your job as a parent. Your kid should know unequivocally that if there is anyone in this world who will fight for them, it is you.

4 – Shaming and guilting your child will actually make things worse – Ah yes, the old “my parents yelled at me and embarrassed me in front of my friends, and it worked.” Perhaps that is so. Thankfully, we know more now about what is effective and appropriate. Kids with ADHD already feel “less than.” Making them feel badly about themselves will not help them to change their behavior in a positive direction. 

5 – Tell your child about their ADHD – Your kid has a right to know that his brain works differently than some others, and that does not make him dumb or bad. Give them at least the basics; sprinkle in some knowledge of both famous people with ADHD, and family members who may have it. 

6 – Work collaboratively with your child to solve problems – In the scenario above, sitting down with your kiddo, talking about what you see as the problem, and asking them how they think it should be solved gives them agency and motivation. It also can be a huge time saver. They know themselves best!

7 – Sometimes, you will have to do something unpopular – Kids love their electronics. Many parents use taking them away as a punishment, which very rarely does anything to change behavior. You may have to say “no electronics until homework is done” or “you can have your phone after you’ve cleared the table.” Your kid will not love this. That’s okay. The idea of work before play is a solid one for kids to learn early.

8 – Every single day, love your child – Kids with ADHD can be difficult to raise. Between executive function challenges and emotional dysregulation, home life can become very chaotic and charged. Take breaks when you need to (I’m a big fan of the lock yourself in the bathroom strategy). But strive to show your child that you love them, whether it’s a quick hug or a compliment. Don’t skimp!

9 – Try to keep your sense of humor – This can be very hard to do. There are days where nothing seems funny at all. If possible, try to step back just a little, and see if you can find some humor somewhere. You can’t yell while you’re laughing!

As you can see, your change comes first. I put learning about ADHD first because I feel that sets the stage for seeing your child as a person with a brain that works differently than the typical kid, which will in turn help you to help them.

Change IS gonna come. For your kid…but first, for you.

Five Things To Do (& Not Do) Before School Starts

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It’s just about August. And after that…well, you know.

I’m really not trying to be a doom and gloomer. But, ready or not, before you know it, that big yellow bus will pull up to the corner. So let’s talk about what to do – and not do – before that happens. Let’s meet this head on!

Here we go, in no particular order:

1 – If your child is starting a new school in a district that is new to them (or a new private school), DO contact the school.

Reaching out to the school’s guidance office can be really helpful, in the cases above. You can make sure the school has all documentation relating to your child (IEP’s, Section 504’s, behavior plans). While these documents should travel with your child, there can be delays; you want to be sure that the school is aware of your child’s ADHD and other learning differences. 

2 – DO NOT try to meet with your child’s teacher(s) prior to the start of the school year.

I know, I am flying in the face of articles you may have read. But as a retired teacher, I can tell you that teachers are not only incredibly busy getting ready for all of their students, they are probably doing so on their own time. If you’d like to email the teacher(s) to introduce yourself and your child, that’s fine. But meetings should wait until the year is underway. PS – teachers are professionals. They are required to read IEP’s and 504 plans prior to any student walking into their classroom – and they do.

3 – DO include your child in school supply shopping.

Believe me, I am well aware of the pitfalls of shopping with a child, with or without ADHD. However, school supplies are the tools that your child will use all year. They should have choices where possible, including having Fantastic Four folders or a Barbie pencil case. Furthermore, your child will be more apt to use and take care of supplies they have chosen. So Staples, here we come!

4 – DO start to incorporate morning and evening routines, and earlier bedtimes, before the year starts.

Summer is a time of freedom – playing outside by the light of fireflies, sleeping in, ice cream for breakfast. While we don’t want to cut off the fun before we have to, bringing back routines a week or so prior to the start of school will make that first day go much more smoothly. PS – if your child has been having an ADHD “medication vacation,” consider starting on back on medication before the first day of school. This will enable them to adjust to how they feel when on their ADHD meds.

And finally….

5 – DO NOT end the summer before you have to.

Kids work hard during the school year. ADHD kiddos have an even rougher road. While it is great to mitigate the “summer slide” with fun activities that have educational benefits (cooking together, playing board games, taking turns reading a book together), forcing workbooks and other schoolwork on your child during the summer is not, in my opinion, fair. Schools do assign summer work, and getting that done with a few weeks to spare enables your child to have summer last right up until it’s gone.

So enjoy the rest of the summer! Just keep one eye on that corner; that school bus is on the way.

When Chaos Erupts

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Earlier this week I tripped, fell down the stairs, and fractured a bone in my ankle. I’m in a walking boot, which is way better than the crutches with which I was released from the ER.

Suddenly, everything is just a damn mess! I can’t drive, so every activity has to be recalibrated, postponed, or cancelled. I have new appointments with doctors to address the problem. And worst of all, at least for me – all of my routines are just shot.

It can be so difficult to establish routines, especially with ADHD. But once in place, routines become the anchors to our days. We feel organized and capable, which in turn leads to more organization, and more confidence. Structures and routines help to keep us from hours long rabbit hole searches, late night social media scrolling, midday naps. If I have a post lunch routine of making a cold brewed coffee and stretching, those actions send a signal to my brain that says “time to get to work.” Without the signal it’s a lot harder.

And now? My anchors are gone, and the ship is sinking!  But before I’m completely underwater, I’m trying to regroup. Here are some of the strategies I’ve discovered and leaned on in the past week:

1 – Take a small piece of your routine and try to save it. Part of my morning routine is making my bed. Looking at a messy unmade bed all day would serve as a reminder that I’m hanging on by a thread. I decided to save this part of my mornings.  So yesterday, I crawled around on my bed, getting it made. Holding onto something from your routines feels like an accomplishment (dopamine!) and will also make it easier to get back to them when the crisis is over.

2 – Find something that is a close substitute for a part of your routine you have to give up. Obviously, I can’t go running. But exercise is important for my physical and mental health. So today, I did a 30 minute seated upper body and core routine. Feeling good about doing what I can do, instead of focusing on what I can’t, and being proud of myself for taking action gave me a nice dopamine hit!. Use that ADHD creativity to find substitutions for what’s missing in your routines!

3 – Sit with your upset feelings. Whatever is driving the chaotic turn of events in your life, there will be activities that will be postponed or cancelled, people that you might not see, and possibly other disappointments. This can bring on feelings of frustration, sadness, anger – and as we know, emotional regulation is a challenge for ADHDers. However, I’m going to suggest that instead of squelching these negative emotions, we should attempt to just exist alongside them. Trying to push them away actually gives them strength and longevity. In the words of the late Dan Fogelberg, “Love if you can, cry if you have to, be who you must, that’s a part of the plan.” Did my frustration at EVERYTHING make me cry? You betcha! But that’s okay.

4 – Practice self compassion. The upside down of your life may be associated with one or some of your actions. Mistakes happen. You are human. Beating yourself up does not change the outcome. In fact, having compassion for yourself will enable you to bounce back from this downward trajectory much more quickly. Forgive yourself.

5 – Develop gratitude. Breaking my ankle, in a word, sucks. I’m no longer training for the NYC Marathon; I can’t even drive to a friend’s house. However, I am grateful for my doctor, my husband (a nurse extraordinaire!), the fact that it’s only a small fracture, and that my doctor thinks I’ll be fine by the end of the summer. All of this, big or small, is a reminder that although my day to day life is pretty messed up right now, I do have some great things and people to be thankful for. PS – if you don’t have a regular gratitude practice, think about starting one – it’s truly a game changer!

These are strategies that I’m putting in place. There may be more as the days roll on. But one thing for sure – my bed WILL be made.

The Pandemic DID Happen. And It’s Still Affecting Your ADHD Kid.

Today is February 29 – Leap Year Day. Since this is a once-every-four-years event, it is natural to look back to four years earlier, and think “what was I doing last Leap Year Day?”

But what we were doing is lost in the significance of what we were about to do. Because two weeks later, our worlds just shut down here in the United States. COVID-19 had come to our shores.

So while I can’t tell you how I spent February 29, 2020, I can tell you that on March 13, 2020, I taught in a classroom for the very last time. We celebrated Pi Day-my colleague and I opting out of serving pie, out of “an abundance of caution.” We left school, with the thought that we’d be back in a few weeks.

Crazy how wrong that was.

But why am I talking about this? Why dwell on what has been the worst collective event that many of us will ever experience? Why not just put it in the past, and move forward into the sunshine?

Because it did happen, even if we want to pretend it didn’t. And the impacts are still being felt among all children today. Even more so for ADHD kids. 

We all know there was substantial learning loss during the pandemic. Online education was something for which teachers weren’t prepared, to which students had difficulty relating (and frequent technological issues), and for which parents had no time-it’s pretty tough to do your job from home, while monitoring whether your kid is actually paying attention to the teacher on the screen. Additionally, many students were tasked with caring for younger siblings while their parents worked in the next room-so getting online wasn’t always possible. It is estimated that academically, students lost the equivalent of 35% of a school year during the pandemic.

However, the learning loss is just a part of this. Let’s talk about the loss in interactions, and the resulting social skills impacted. Not to mention the subsequent mental health challenges children and teens faced. And let’s not forget-people were sick. Very sick. People were dying. Many of our young people were dealing with the loss of loved ones, and the fear that others might be next. 

Familiar routines were upended-and that’s an understatement. Day care centers were closed, grandparents isolated, playdates not allowed. According to The Economist, “The pandemic’s indirect effects on small children could last a lifetime.”¹ Think about it-if a child is 9 now, this hit when they were 5, which is just when kids are learning to be people without their parents telling them how. If a child is 18, they were 14 then, exactly at that middle school point where kids are trying out independence with the safety net of their parents in the background. 

The impact on maturity is seen by teachers daily-and while not unexpected, it is certainly alarming.

And how did ADHD kids fare? In a meta-analysis of 18 studies performed across the globe published by the Journal of Attention Disorders, “Emerging research suggests that the Covid-19 pandemic has disproportionately and adversely affected children with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).”² This included decreases in motivation and focus, and increases in social isolation and emotional dysregulation. 

One study published in the Journal of Pediatric Nursing suggests that ADHD kids were less likely to participate in crafts projects and other non-screen activities at home (including homework) than their non-ADHD peers. According to the study, ADHD kids played video games 22.5% more than their neurotypical buddies, and participated in socializing via technology 40.7% less than their peers.³ 

So what does this mean for today? It means that all kids were impacted by the lack of socialization that took place during the pandemic. And all kids are behind, both academically and socially.

And it also means that the effect on ADHD kids was greater. And ADHD kids are already 25% behind in terms of their emotional development. So this puts them in an even more disadvantageous position.

We need to get our heads out of the sand. We need to understand that our ADHD children could be even more than the 2-3 years behind their peers that we already know about. We need to stop thinking about pushing children with ADHD to get to that neurotypical bar, and instead, meet them where they are at.

We need to support our kids. Because we love them. And if that means accepting that our 17 year old may in fact have the maturity of a 13 year old, and we need to be there for them a bit longer, then that’s what we need to do.

We don’t have to live in the past. But we do have to acknowledge its impact on the present. And the future.

¹”The pandemic’s indirect effects on small children could last a lifetime,” The Economist, December 15, 2022.

²Rogers, M., and MacLean, J., “ADHD Symptoms Increased During the Covid-19 Pandemic: A Meta-Analysis.” Journal of Attention Disorders, Vol. 27, Iss. 8, March 6, 2023.

³Kara, O.K., et al, “The long-term impact of the COVID-19 pandemic on children with ADHD in terms of participation,support,and barriers at home.” Journal of Pediatric Nursing, March, 2023.

Routine vs. Ritual, and Which One Helps You Get Things Done

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When one looks up the definitions of the words “routine” and “ritual,” at first it looks like they are pretty much the same thing-a “series of actions performed in a prescribed order.”

But when I delved a bit further, I did find one significant difference that can be a real game changer when it comes to getting things done.

Rituals are considered ceremonial. 

We often equate rituals with religion, because there are many rituals that take place during worship, in every religion. But ceremony doesn’t have to just be about prayer or attending services weekly. 

We can add elements of rituals to our routines…and that can give us the shot of dopamine to get the job done.

For example, I have a routine for paying my bills. I do it on the 15th of every month, regardless of the day of the week. I write certain expenses out; others I enter on a spreadsheet. At the end of this routine the bills are ready to be auto-paid by my bank.

However, I also have included ritual in this process. I never sit at my desk to do this-I always sit on the bed, where I am comfortable, and can spread out my papers. I always have a large cup of coffee or tea beside me. And generally, “Law and Order SVU” is on in the background.

Now, these components are not really part of the routine for paying bills. But they are part of the ritual. I could pay the bills without them, but it wouldn’t be the same. And while I won’t go so far as to say I look forward to bill paying, the ritual elements do make it far more pleasant, and satisfying.

How can you add ritual elements to your routines? Is it a particular playlist? A special snack? An apron that belonged to your grandmother?

Ritual elements can make routines, well, less routine. And that can help us to keep doing them.

Give it a try!