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The Change In Your Kid Starts With You

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Parents often ask me to coach their pre-teen and teenage kids. They are concerned that their children are having difficulties in school, with homework, chores, handling their emotions, mornings and evenings. Parents would like to see their kids change.

Many parents are completely surprised when I tell them that in order to see their children make progress, the first place that change has to happen is with them.

Wait, what?? 

Yes, it’s true. YOU are going to have to make some changes if you want your kiddo to do so.

Here’s a common example. Your kid is constantly running late in the morning. They have missed the school bus many times, causing you to run behind on starting your day because you have to drive them to school. There are arguments every morning. You feel exhausted right at the beginning of the day. How can this situation be addressed and improved?

We could say that your child needs to get out of bed earlier, should put their phone away, ought to pick out their clothes the night before, or just needs to grow up. But saying this over and over will not make change happen. However, if YOU make changes – for example, taking their phone out of their room at bedtime so that it’s unavailable for morning scrolling, working with your child to figure out timing for the different parts of the morning routine, maybe even setting up a reward system – then there is a shot at improvement.

Here are some general parental changes that are a good starting point:

1 – Learn as much as you can about ADHD – Read. Watch videos. Go online – not TikTok, but real qualified sources of information. Join CHADD and other support groups. Develop a really solid understanding of what ADHD is and isn’t, the science behind ADHD, and common misconceptions. I’m alarmed when I find out that parents haven’t done this. If your child had diabetes, wouldn’t you want to know everything about it? Well, the same applies to ADHD.

2 – Keep in mind that kids with ADHD are often 2 – 3 years behind their peers in terms of their executive functions  – So this means the statement “a kid who is _____ years old should be able to _________” is completely pointless. By their birth date your child may be 13 years old, but in terms of their development, they could be somewhere around 10 or 11, causing them to be incapable of what their age mates can do.

3 – Take the role of advocating for your child seriously – As a retired teacher, I hate to say this, but many teachers still have not gotten the training they need to work with kids with ADHD. Other adults may not know anything at all. You may have to (nicely!) go toe to toe with teachers, principals, sports team coaches, camp directors, family members. This is, however, your job as a parent. Your kid should know unequivocally that if there is anyone in this world who will fight for them, it is you.

4 – Shaming and guilting your child will actually make things worse – Ah yes, the old “my parents yelled at me and embarrassed me in front of my friends, and it worked.” Perhaps that is so. Thankfully, we know more now about what is effective and appropriate. Kids with ADHD already feel “less than.” Making them feel badly about themselves will not help them to change their behavior in a positive direction. 

5 – Tell your child about their ADHD – Your kid has a right to know that his brain works differently than some others, and that does not make him dumb or bad. Give them at least the basics; sprinkle in some knowledge of both famous people with ADHD, and family members who may have it. 

6 – Work collaboratively with your child to solve problems – In the scenario above, sitting down with your kiddo, talking about what you see as the problem, and asking them how they think it should be solved gives them agency and motivation. It also can be a huge time saver. They know themselves best!

7 – Sometimes, you will have to do something unpopular – Kids love their electronics. Many parents use taking them away as a punishment, which very rarely does anything to change behavior. You may have to say “no electronics until homework is done” or “you can have your phone after you’ve cleared the table.” Your kid will not love this. That’s okay. The idea of work before play is a solid one for kids to learn early.

8 – Every single day, love your child – Kids with ADHD can be difficult to raise. Between executive function challenges and emotional dysregulation, home life can become very chaotic and charged. Take breaks when you need to (I’m a big fan of the lock yourself in the bathroom strategy). But strive to show your child that you love them, whether it’s a quick hug or a compliment. Don’t skimp!

9 – Try to keep your sense of humor – This can be very hard to do. There are days where nothing seems funny at all. If possible, try to step back just a little, and see if you can find some humor somewhere. You can’t yell while you’re laughing!

As you can see, your change comes first. I put learning about ADHD first because I feel that sets the stage for seeing your child as a person with a brain that works differently than the typical kid, which will in turn help you to help them.

Change IS gonna come. For your kid…but first, for you.

The Case For Letting Kids Be Kids This Summer

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It’s summer. Either your kids’ school has put a “See you in September” sign on the front lawn, or they’re about to.

And there is nothing, nothing at all, like that last day of school feeling! A lot of us have forgotten how it feels to be completely, deliciously free. When I was a teacher, I was able to have that experience again, and it is truly unmatched.

But wait….here comes Mom with a Math workbook. Or Dad with a schedule for summer Phonics tutoring. And that glorious feeling just leaks away, leaving disappointment and sadness in its place.

ADHD kids often live through this scenario, summer after summer. If they struggled during the school year, due to challenges with focus, or executive function woes, they may be behind. And their well meaning parents want them to get caught up, before the new year brings new challenges.

As a retired teacher, and ADHD coach, and as a parent, I’m going to say something that some may consider revolutionary-even crazy.

Let your kids have time to just be kids this summer.

Now that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t do some activities related to academics. But maybe we can rethink how we go about it. Sort like sneaking kale into a mango smoothie.

For example-Math workbooks? Ugh, deadly. How about reviewing those multiplication facts during a catch outside? Fractions with cooking? Subtraction with how many more miles do we need to travel? Division with which is the better deal at the grocery store?

For more complex topics, check out the teachers’ savior site, teacherspayteacher.com. You can input your child’s grade level and topic, and there will be games, projects, mazes-lots more fun than a workbook, I promise.

Similarly, we can change our mindset about summer reading. Saying to our kiddos “You need to do your summer reading! Get started right now!” is not exactly the way to instill a love of reading in our children. But maybe offering to read the same book as they do, and having a book club with them will be more enticing. Or taking notes on what they read with pictures. Or a promise to watch the movie that is based on the book. All ways to sweeten the summer reading pot.

Watching “Hamilton” for American History. Trying foods of different cultures, with each family member picking a country and telling the rest of the gang about it. Looking at leaves under a microscope. You get the idea.

There are many ways to jazz up learning, with tons of ideas on the internet. That leaves one more point though.

Kids also need time to not be working on their school subjects, or organizational skills, or even camp or sports (and yes, I know that kids do love camp and sports).

Kids need time to just BE.

They need time to choose their activities (even if it’s video games), to wear their pj’s late into the morning, maybe even all day. To dig in the sand even if they are “too old” for that,  to go lie under a tree and watch the ants carry pieces of rock many times their weight. To have sleepovers with friends or siblings or cousins, staying up all night giggling, without worrying about needing to get up early to do five worksheets on exponents.

Unlimited time? No. But some time? Most definitely.  Depending on their schedule, and yours.

Those kid brains have earned a break. And our creative ADHD children need time to just think their own thoughts.

Let’s let our kiddos have that amazing last day of school feeling, for just a little longer. They need it – and they deserve it.

Don’t Fear Summer With ADHD Kiddos!

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It’s summer!! Woo-hoo!

Said very few parents of ADHD kids, ever.

Parents of ADHD kiddos love their kids. But when summer comes, this small-ish child (or children!) looms large in their parents’ minds-and what goes through their heads are the tantrums, the meltdowns, the mess. And the dread.

I’m here to tell you – you can actually have a good summer with your ADHD child. Maybe even a great summer. Let’s talk about some strategies.

1 – Give your kid(s) ownership of their summer. You all are one team (maybe even give it a name!). You can work together to determine what your family would like to do this summer, and how to make some of those activities happen. You, as the adult, have veto power – but before you outright nix an idea, brainstorm ways to modify or limit the activity to make it acceptable to you. Nothing engages kids (and adults) more than planning an activity. And ADHD kiddos are so often told they are wrong, or bad – helping to plan an activity for the family will be so empowering! However, if after talking it through, you are still 100% opposed, do not be afraid to say, “I’m sorry, but we can’t do that.” You are in charge.

2 – Think out your boundaries, and share them with your kids. What do you need from this summer? Are you working? Then you need time to do that, at a time that you determine. Do you want your house to be straightened up each night? Would you like to work on a project? All of these activities require time, and might require alone time for you. You will need to unflinchingly tell your kids your boundaries, and let them know that these are non-negotiable. Period.

3 – Structure each day/week. ADHD kids do so much better  with structure. Each day should have some basic parts – meal times, TV time, reading time, etc-and every week should also have a plan. The weekly plan can be looser than the daily plan – this week we will go swimming, go to the beach, and visit Grandma – and then you can slot activities in when it works with your schedule.

4 – Have a team huddle every morning – and include praise for your kids’ efforts. 10 minutes to set expectations for the day in the morning can prevent meltdowns later in the day. And recognizing when you see them being team players is so motivating!

5 – Guarantee quiet, solitary time for each kiddo every day. We all wish our kids would wake up each morning and be so thrilled to see their siblings that they’d never argue. Ha! Good one! In order to prevent meltdowns, consider letting your kids hang in their rooms, alone, not as punishment, but just as time by themselves.You can determine the time of day, based on when it seems they are getting on each other’s nerves, and amount of time. But just knowing there will be a breather from their sibs could carry your kids through some rough waters when they’re together.

6 – Assign chores to your kids – and consider paying them. Parents generally feel that kids can’t do chores. Quite bluntly, that;s incorrect. If your kids balk at chores, before you take away TV, etc,find out what’s causing that. It may be something as simple as not knowing how to perform the chore. Paying them a small amount is a great incentive – after all, we get paid for work, shouldn’t they?

Finally, although these strategies will help, be ready for some rough days. Some days during the summer will be awesome, and will provide some wonderful memories for all of you. But there will be difficult days, when you will yell, the kids will cry, and your house will look like the proverbial tornado hit it. Those are the days you pop in a movie, or let the kids play videogames in their pj’s for the rest of the day, while you retreat to Bravo TV and serve something delivered by Door Dash for dinner.

And that’s okay. Because you and your team will go on to play another day.

Leaning Forward When You’d Rather Lean Back

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I learned to ski as an adult. To say I was afraid is to delve into understatement. I was terrified. But I was dating a Vermonter at the time, and when in Vermont….so I took ski lessons.

I wasn’t half bad at it, to be honest. But the one part of skiing that I just couldn’t wrap my mind around was that, while I was hurtling down an icy slope with limited ability to stop, my instructor kept yelling, “Nose over your toes! Lean forward!!”

Lean forward? Was he nuts, or just some sort of sadistic weirdo? When you are going downhill, your instinct is to lean back-to slow down the action, to pull away from what, as a beginner skier, looks to be your death spiral. I resisted the urge for a long time-and while I was never going to be an Olympic skier, leaning back kept me from being a better skier than I was.

Young children, in general, can be difficult at times. They run around, they jump on your bed, they feed their dinner to the dog. Children with ADHD have the extra oomph of being impulsive-what would happen if we smash the TV to let the people out-as well as having difficulty settling in for baths, storytime, meals. 

And as a parent, after several hours, all you want to do is lean back.

So you put on the latest Paw Patrol episode, intending to just take 15 minutes to regroup and maybe use the bathroom. But then the peace and quiet is so intoxicating..and suddenly, 15 minutes has turned into 3 hours.

Now, we’ve all had days where, for everyone’s sake, the above scenario is not just necessary, it’s recommended. And I am in no way criticizing anyone for it. Been there, and have done it. However, when 3 hour TV breaks become the norm, and yet your child is still driving you mad, it might be time to lean forward.

What does this mean? It entails saying to your child, “Hey, Bobby. We need to chill a little bit, but I still want to play. What would you like to do for the next little while?” And then….and here’s the hard part…doing what they ask.

It’s hard because no, you really don’t feel like pretending you’re a farm animal, or dressing up, or playing 20 card games. You have laundry to do, and a work call to make, and your client will not understand if you yell “Uno!” during your Zoom call.

But giving your child that little bit of time-even just 15 minutes-to call the shots, and to have your complete attention-and that means no phone in hand-can do magical things. 

It changes the pace. It pauses the frenetic action. Most importantly-it tells your child, in ways that words can’t, that they are a priority. And that you enjoy them. And while that isn’t going to mean that they will stop feeding green beans to Fido, what it will do is strengthen your bond with your kid. It’ll help you understand what and how they think. And it will make you a better parent. Which is what our kids deserve.