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Tag: neurodiversity

The Kids Are Ready…But Are You??

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Their backpack is brimming with new notebooks and supplies. You’ve loaded their lunch account with money, and their pens and pencils are ready to solve tricky math problems and write wonderfully creative stories. 

Your kids are ready to start the new school year…but are you?

School can be anxiety producing for parents, particularly for parents of neurodivergent kiddos. In addition to homework, projects, and after school activities, ADHD parents spend every day waiting for the shoe to drop. Waiting for the homework that has been left at school, the assignment due tomorrow that your child remembers at 10pm, or the phone call from the teacher, about your child’s various and sundry challenges that they’re not sure how to handle.

It’s exhausting. And disheartening.

Here, in no particular order, are five ways you can prepare yourself for your child’s school year, in order to make this year less stressful for YOU.

Wake up 15 – 30 minutes before your children do – We all like to roll over and get that last few minutes of sleep. But there is something so calming, and so wonderful, about having a few minutes of quiet before the day roars in. The time is yours, to use as you wish – coffee, meditating, working out, checking email, watching birds hovering at your bird feeder – however you would like to start your morning. 

Keep an updated calendar for the entire family Whether you use a Skylight, Google Calendar, or a big whiteboard, having a calendar where ALL of your family’s appointments, activities, major projects, and tests are in one place allows for better planning. It also enables your ADHD kiddo(s) to be supported in their time management challenges; encourage them, when they ask if they can meet up with friends on any given day, to check the calendar for their availability (and yours, if you need to drive them).

Practice talking less  As parents, many of us (myself included) feel the need to explain ourselves to our kids. “No, you can’t go out now, it’s 9pm,” turns into “No, you can’t go out now, it’s close to your bedtime, and I don’t want you to get to bed late, and then be tired tomorrow. You have a test, and you need to…” Your child hasn’t listened to anything beyond “no.” And you’ve used precious energy overexplaining. Keep it simple. If your child has questions or objections, they will most certainly let you know!

Find something to do consistently that shows obvious results Raising kids is about playing the long game. What you do today may not net results for years, or ever. Having something that enables you to net some quick progress is not only satisfying, it can mitigate feeling like you are getting nowhere. Reading, knitting, coding, baking, refinishing furniture – anything with a short term easily identified result can balance out that long term commitment. 

Be aware of your emotional temperature, and take a break when you need to  Learning how it feels to be hovering on the edge of exploding is something we try to teach our ADHD kids that struggle with emotional dysregulation; but are we applying this to ourselves? Feeling your face get hot, your heartbeat increase – those signals shouldn’t be ignored! If you find yourself about to lose it, take a short break. If you can get outside and take a walk, great. If not, hide in the bathroom or bedroom, and take deep breaths for a few minutes. Raising any kid, but particularly a neurodivergent child, can be very challenging to your patience – but blowing up at your kiddo won’t solve the problem, and will only leave the two of you feeling awful. Avoiding that icky feeling is worth taking a time out for a few minutes.

As they say in “The Hunger Games,” “may the odds ever be in your favor.” Put another way…have a great start to what will hopefully be a wonderful year!!

When Chaos Erupts

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Earlier this week I tripped, fell down the stairs, and fractured a bone in my ankle. I’m in a walking boot, which is way better than the crutches with which I was released from the ER.

Suddenly, everything is just a damn mess! I can’t drive, so every activity has to be recalibrated, postponed, or cancelled. I have new appointments with doctors to address the problem. And worst of all, at least for me – all of my routines are just shot.

It can be so difficult to establish routines, especially with ADHD. But once in place, routines become the anchors to our days. We feel organized and capable, which in turn leads to more organization, and more confidence. Structures and routines help to keep us from hours long rabbit hole searches, late night social media scrolling, midday naps. If I have a post lunch routine of making a cold brewed coffee and stretching, those actions send a signal to my brain that says “time to get to work.” Without the signal it’s a lot harder.

And now? My anchors are gone, and the ship is sinking!  But before I’m completely underwater, I’m trying to regroup. Here are some of the strategies I’ve discovered and leaned on in the past week:

1 – Take a small piece of your routine and try to save it. Part of my morning routine is making my bed. Looking at a messy unmade bed all day would serve as a reminder that I’m hanging on by a thread. I decided to save this part of my mornings.  So yesterday, I crawled around on my bed, getting it made. Holding onto something from your routines feels like an accomplishment (dopamine!) and will also make it easier to get back to them when the crisis is over.

2 – Find something that is a close substitute for a part of your routine you have to give up. Obviously, I can’t go running. But exercise is important for my physical and mental health. So today, I did a 30 minute seated upper body and core routine. Feeling good about doing what I can do, instead of focusing on what I can’t, and being proud of myself for taking action gave me a nice dopamine hit!. Use that ADHD creativity to find substitutions for what’s missing in your routines!

3 – Sit with your upset feelings. Whatever is driving the chaotic turn of events in your life, there will be activities that will be postponed or cancelled, people that you might not see, and possibly other disappointments. This can bring on feelings of frustration, sadness, anger – and as we know, emotional regulation is a challenge for ADHDers. However, I’m going to suggest that instead of squelching these negative emotions, we should attempt to just exist alongside them. Trying to push them away actually gives them strength and longevity. In the words of the late Dan Fogelberg, “Love if you can, cry if you have to, be who you must, that’s a part of the plan.” Did my frustration at EVERYTHING make me cry? You betcha! But that’s okay.

4 – Practice self compassion. The upside down of your life may be associated with one or some of your actions. Mistakes happen. You are human. Beating yourself up does not change the outcome. In fact, having compassion for yourself will enable you to bounce back from this downward trajectory much more quickly. Forgive yourself.

5 – Develop gratitude. Breaking my ankle, in a word, sucks. I’m no longer training for the NYC Marathon; I can’t even drive to a friend’s house. However, I am grateful for my doctor, my husband (a nurse extraordinaire!), the fact that it’s only a small fracture, and that my doctor thinks I’ll be fine by the end of the summer. All of this, big or small, is a reminder that although my day to day life is pretty messed up right now, I do have some great things and people to be thankful for. PS – if you don’t have a regular gratitude practice, think about starting one – it’s truly a game changer!

These are strategies that I’m putting in place. There may be more as the days roll on. But one thing for sure – my bed WILL be made.

Crossing the Finish Line With ADHD

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Yesterday I went to mile 22-ish to cheer my daughter on at the New York City Marathon (and yes, she did great!!). As I stood on a Manhattan street corner, a sea of runners moved past me. They were all ages, sizes, and all running at different speeds. I saw a woman pushing a man in a wheelchair, and a blind man running with guides. Some people looked like they were out for a relaxed jog, while you could see the pain of every step written on the agonized faces of others.

I found myself studying the runners, looking for clues to connect a runner’s demeanor with…something. Of course, the major factor for all competitive runners is training, which I could not see. But there are other more observable differences. Some runners were running, others were doing a combination of running and walking. There were runners who had doused themselves with water, and were dripping wet, trying to stay cool on a sunny day. Shorts were worn by some; pants by others, with jackets and hats. In other words, each runner had adjusted their pace, and their environment, to their own particular needs.

In my coaching practice, I often come across clients who seem stunned when I suggest making some changes that could make life easier-reminders, alarms, a text from me as their coach-and say “I should be able to do this on my own!” Says who? Your unique brain might need something different from the brain of the guy in the cubicle next door. That doesn’t make you wrong or weak-just different. Being neurodivergent means recognizing this, and honoring it.

Let’s be clear here. The marathon is 26.2 miles, and it is not made shorter for anyone. There might be ways to mitigate those miles – taping your knees, having a great podcast cued up-but you must run each and every mile.

Work and home projects work the same way. Filing your paperwork, or cleaning out your closet, cannot be shortened if you are to bring them to completion. But listening to music, or making a game of cleaning, or body doubling with a friend, can help to support your efforts. Which isn’t cheating-it’s smart.

In the end, I have never heard of someone being disqualified from the marathon because they wore compression socks. As long as they have crossed the finish line, they are marathoners. And no one will say you didn’t send out thank you notes because you rewarded yourself with ice cream when you were done. They’ll probably say “that’s brilliant!”

The Case For Letting Kids Be Kids This Summer

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It’s summer. Either your kids’ school has put a “See you in September” sign on the front lawn, or they’re about to.

And there is nothing, nothing at all, like that last day of school feeling! A lot of us have forgotten how it feels to be completely, deliciously free. When I was a teacher, I was able to have that experience again, and it is truly unmatched.

But wait….here comes Mom with a Math workbook. Or Dad with a schedule for summer Phonics tutoring. And that glorious feeling just leaks away, leaving disappointment and sadness in its place.

ADHD kids often live through this scenario, summer after summer. If they struggled during the school year, due to challenges with focus, or executive function woes, they may be behind. And their well meaning parents want them to get caught up, before the new year brings new challenges.

As a retired teacher, and ADHD coach, and as a parent, I’m going to say something that some may consider revolutionary-even crazy.

Let your kids have time to just be kids this summer.

Now that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t do some activities related to academics. But maybe we can rethink how we go about it. Sort like sneaking kale into a mango smoothie.

For example-Math workbooks? Ugh, deadly. How about reviewing those multiplication facts during a catch outside? Fractions with cooking? Subtraction with how many more miles do we need to travel? Division with which is the better deal at the grocery store?

For more complex topics, check out the teachers’ savior site, teacherspayteacher.com. You can input your child’s grade level and topic, and there will be games, projects, mazes-lots more fun than a workbook, I promise.

Similarly, we can change our mindset about summer reading. Saying to our kiddos “You need to do your summer reading! Get started right now!” is not exactly the way to instill a love of reading in our children. But maybe offering to read the same book as they do, and having a book club with them will be more enticing. Or taking notes on what they read with pictures. Or a promise to watch the movie that is based on the book. All ways to sweeten the summer reading pot.

Watching “Hamilton” for American History. Trying foods of different cultures, with each family member picking a country and telling the rest of the gang about it. Looking at leaves under a microscope. You get the idea.

There are many ways to jazz up learning, with tons of ideas on the internet. That leaves one more point though.

Kids also need time to not be working on their school subjects, or organizational skills, or even camp or sports (and yes, I know that kids do love camp and sports).

Kids need time to just BE.

They need time to choose their activities (even if it’s video games), to wear their pj’s late into the morning, maybe even all day. To dig in the sand even if they are “too old” for that,  to go lie under a tree and watch the ants carry pieces of rock many times their weight. To have sleepovers with friends or siblings or cousins, staying up all night giggling, without worrying about needing to get up early to do five worksheets on exponents.

Unlimited time? No. But some time? Most definitely.  Depending on their schedule, and yours.

Those kid brains have earned a break. And our creative ADHD children need time to just think their own thoughts.

Let’s let our kiddos have that amazing last day of school feeling, for just a little longer. They need it – and they deserve it.

If You Don’t Know The Basic Science Behind ADHD, You Need to Learn It

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When I do an initial intake with a new client, one of the questions I ask is “What would you like to learn about your ADHD?”  It’s a pretty broad question, and most responses center around wanting to learn how to be more productive, or how to organize their lives.

At that point, I ask, “How much do you know about the brain science behind your ADHD?”

The majority say they don’t know anything, or very little. The word dopamine is bandied about a bit. And most surprisingly, when I ask if they would like to know more, most say, “I don’t really need to.”

Oh, but you do. You really, really do.

I’m not talking about becoming a neuropsychologist, or obtaining the knowledge that your psychiatrist has. But having a basic understanding of what physically makes your brain different, and how that impacts your life, is, in my opinion, essential. 

First, it is vital to understand that there are physical differences between the ADHD brain and the neurotypical brain. It is not being lazy, or dumb, or anything behavioral. Comprehending that concept opens up an entire world for those of you who have been chastising yourselves about not trying harder. Or just not getting over it.

Would you berate yourself because you haven’t tried harder to see better, if you are a glasses wearer? Of course not. And just because this is a brain related disorder does not make it any less physical.

Repeat that to yourself a few times.

Secondly, I’m not sure how one can make a well informed decision about symptom management if they don’t understand what is causing the symptoms to begin with.

Let’s take an example from my running life. Let’s say I have a pain in my knee. In order to decide how to handle that, (Rest? Ice? New running shoes? Surgery?) I need to understand what may have happened that resulted in this pain before I can decide what I need to do next.

With ADHD, having a working comprehension of what is causing symptoms can help us to make solid treatment decisions. Knowing that my brain has lower dopamine might lead me to use medication to offset that. Understanding that the areas of my brain that control my emotional responses are different than those belonging to neurotypicals might convince me to try meditation to help with regulating my responses.

Deciding on one’s symptom management without having a basic understanding of what is causing the symptoms is like wearing a bikini on a sunny day…in February. You just don’t have all the facts to make an informed decision.

Finally, having a basic working knowledge of how your brain is different enables you to set up your life in ways that support you.

Dopamine low? Let’s make things more fun to get us going! Executive functions negatively impacted? Maybe an accountability buddy or group can help keep us on track. Fight or flight activated quickly? Perhaps I need to let my significant other know this can happen.

I don’t mean to imply that the ADHD brain is wrong, or broken, or just not effective. Not at all. But it IS different. And providing yourself with that knowledge is a gift of self awareness, and part of the ADHD toolbox for living your best life.

Perfectly Imperfect

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“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”

― John Steinbeck, East of Eden

When I first saw this quote from one of my favorite authors, it really hit me between the eyes. I’m sure there are many interpretations of it, but to me, it meant that now that so much energy and worry and thought didn’t have to go into perfection, one could actually just be good enough. And that’s okay.

Many ADHDers struggle with perfectionism-something that those who don’t have a personal knowledge of ADHD probably find counterintuitive. How could anyone who can’t/won’t/doesn’t pay attention/do things on time/stay organized actually care about being perfect??

But in reality, all of those years of mistakes, and late assignments, and impulsive actions can add up to a lot of fear and anxiety that is expressed as perfectionism.

This tendency can lead to procrastination, feelings of failure that then cycle into more perfectionism, and just a general lack of motivation and positivity. Because if your standard is that you must be perfect, who wouldn’t dread attempting a task??

In other words, perfectionism is bad for your health, mental and otherwise.

So, how to break that pattern? Here are some ideas:

1 – Develop Mantras – “Done is better than perfect” or “Good enough is good enough” are two ideas. Practice repeating these to yourself; also pop them on a Post-It on your laptop or desk, and other places you can see it.

2 – Use a timer – For tasks that should be simple to complete (writing an email, wrapping a gift) determine how much time it should take (perhaps time it once before using this strategy), and set a timer. When the timer goes off, it’s time to stop.

3 – Keep a “done” list – keeping a list of what you were able to accomplish makes you feel good. Bonus points for things that were complete, but they weren’t 100% perfect.

4 – Name your Perfectionism – find a shorthand way to name your perfectionism, so that you can easily become aware of being held hostage by it. Awareness is the first step to change! It’s also fun to say “Shut up, Penelope Perfect” when you’re hearing that voice in your brain.

5 – Practice doing things imperfectly – no, I’m not saying ruin all of your clothes by washing your wool sweaters in hot water. But little things-leaving autocorrected texts alone, sending an email without re-reading it more than once, quickly-and seeing that the world doesn’t end when you do that, can be a good way to get accustomed to imperfections.

It’s not easy to break the perfectionism habit. Your brain has been telling you that everything must be just so for a long time. It takes time and practice, so be gentle and patient with yourself. Getting to the point where you can giggle a little at your perfectionism seems to be a place to aim for.

Because, as Steinbeck said, now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.