family – Constellation ADHD Coaching

It’s coming on Christmas,

They’re cutting down trees,

They’re putting up reindeer, singing songs of joy and peace,

Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

Even Joni Mitchell felt overwhelmed by the holidays (btw, if you’ve never heard her holiday song “River,” go listen to it right now. You’re welcome).

“Overwhelmed? What do you mean? It’s the most wonderful time of the year!!”

Perhaps. But the holidays are a lot. And when you have ADHD, they are a lot of a lot.

For example, getting gifts for people can be so difficult. Analysis paralysis, plus people pleasing, plus lack of financial control, can become a nightmare scenario of buying at the last minute. Add the ADHD tax of having to send gifts via FedEx 24 hour delivery. And the possible future issue of buying gifts without actually knowing how much you can afford, and will have to pay for.

And then there is receiving gifts. “Now how could receiving gifts be a problem?” you say, thinking that I am some sort of Grinch.

Let’s try a little scenario here.Your mom gets you a sweater. She gets your sister a bracelet. Probably the same monetary value, and you did ask for a sweater. BUT her gift is so much nicer! Mom loves her more! Rejection sensitivity skating on in!

Or your mom gets you a sweater. But you didn’t ask for a sweater; you asked for gloves. Does your mom not think you know what you need? How can she ignore what you asked for? Let’s have a little emotional dysregulation with those gloves please!

And I cannot leave out the actual holiday celebration. Family, friends…what could go wrong??

If you are fortunate enough to celebrate with your people, your very own chosen tribe…enjoy every minute!

But many of us will be spending the holidays with family from near and far that are not quite so understanding of neurodivergence. Some of that family may not be very well versed in ADHD – what it is, and what it isn’t. Unbelievably, there are still people who think ADHD is fake – all you, or your ADHD kiddos, need is a kick in the ass.

Getting through dinner with those who deny your issues, and who feel the need to let you know this, is what would send me through the door, looking for any sort of body of water to skate away on.

So, what is one to do? How can an ADHDer have a happy holiday season? Here are just a few tips.

1 – Recognize that the holidays are not necessarily all they are cracked up to be, to eliminate the feeling of FOMO, as well as the idea that you have failed at Christmas. Ignore Facebook and Instagram posts showing perfect trees, happy children, couples kissing under the mistletoe. Real life is not a Hallmark Christmas special!

2 – For gift buying, if possible, try to figure out how much to spend in total. The more you spend on one person, the less you will have for someone else. This can keep the January regrets – and credit card bills – from ruining the start of 2026.

3 – A gift that someone gives to you is not a linear measure of how they feel about you. It’s a culmination of so many things – what they think you might like, sure, but also what is on sale? What comes in your size? What did they give you last year? How much do they have to spend on gifts? When you start to feel rejection sensitivity relating to a gift you are given, ask yourself if YOUR gifts reflect ONLY how you feel about someone?

4 – It is okay, if you are feeling overwhelmed or irritated at any point during the holiday festivities, to excuse yourself from the area, and spend some time alone. Splash cold water on your face, take deep breaths, mentally sing a song. You don’t have to be at the table for every single minute of the day.

5 – Likewise, you do NOT have to go to every holiday event to which you are invited. There will be some that feel mandatory, and you may have to weigh the “price” of going versus the “price” of sitting it out. For example, the work Christmas party may be an event you feel you can’t miss. You do not, however, have to stay from start to finish!

6 – Finally, and perhaps most importantly, give some thought to what YOU would like to have as part of your holiday. Is it binging “Gillmore Girls” while wearing PJ’s and eating ice cream? Do it. Is it Face Timing with your far away nieces and nephews? Do it. Is it making a yummy breakfast for your kids, and then letting them wear sweatpants to Grandma’s house for Christmas lunch, rather than fighting with them? Do it. You can invent your own traditions, or eschew last year’s plans to make new ones this year. Use that fabulous ADHD creativity to create the holiday YOU want.

Whatever makes you feel like you don’t want to skate away on that river…at least, not today.

October is ADHD Awareness Month. You may have received an email about it, or seen a post online. And you may have skipped right over it – after all, YOU are aware that you have ADHD, isn’t that enough?

Nope. It is not. Let’s go through a quick round up for whom ADHD awareness is extremely important, impacting ADHDers, and neurotypicals.

Teachers and School Administrators – As a retired K-6 educator, I can accurately state that while teachers are aware of ADHD, many have not had appropriate training, and therefore do not have a full understanding of what it is and isn’t, or how to address challenges in the classroom.This is important if you are a parent of an ADHDer, as having your child get the message that they are lazy, incompetent, or even stupid can have life long ill effects on their self esteem. Additionally, if you are requesting accommodations or modifications, it is vital that the school team has a clear picture of what will help your child.

Managers in the workplace – ADHDers, with their creativity and ability to think outside the box, can be a real positive force in the workplace. However, they also can have difficulties with organization, and time blindness. This means that any project or responsibility, even simple tasks, can become a struggle to complete on time, or at all. Furthermore, ADHD hyperfocus can be a double edged sword. While being able to dig deep is a plus in any analytical position, getting stuck down a rabbit hole can slow work down without commensurate value. There are simple accommodations that can help with these challenges, such as check-ins with the manager. However, in order to put these supports in place, managers need to recognize that ADHD is real, not just an excuse.

Family members aside from parents – Hopefully, if you are an ADHD parent, having an ADHD kiddo has led you to learn about ADHD, and gain an understanding of the causes of ADHD, as well as how to handle your child’s particular brand (and if not, let’s talk!). However, other family members may not believe that ADHD is real, or may make comments that can cut your child’s ego like a machete. If we believe that family members love our child, and are just misinformed, then sharing more about ADHD can benefit everyone.

Our Government – Currently, the health and science arm of the U.S. government is going through radical changes, and often proffering opinions that are not backed by the majority of scientific research. ADHD has been mentioned in the MAHA literature, with RFK Jr. proposing voluntary attendance at “wellness farms” as a treatment. Perhaps some ADHD awareness, particularly relating to research backed treatment scenarios, would be helpful for the decision makers in Washington.

This is by no means a complete list. My goal is to change your awareness of how sharing accurate information on ADHD can be beneficial to you, your loved ones, and society in general. Knowing about your or your child’s ADHD isn’t enough; we need to spread the word.

So Happy ADHD Awareness Month! Go out there and amplify what YOU know about ADHD, for others!

Tag: family

I Wish I Had A River To Skate Away On..

Why Does ADHD Awareness Matter?