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Spending Control the ADHD Friendly Way!

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Gas prices are skyrocketing. Actually all prices are climbing. And with that, our spending is rising daily.

We know we should “tighten our belts” (btw, I hate that expression – tightening your belt sounds so uncomfortable), But, what do we do if ADHD makes it so, so difficult to gain control of our money? And how do we deal with the guilt, shame, and fear that we feel when we can’t do so?

Let’s first briefly discuss WHY ADHDers have trouble controlling spending. First, buying things can make us happy. It can be a high dopamine activity, which, since ADHDers have low dopamine levels, is something we might seek out. Until the guilt kicks in. But then, we may double down to feel good again – retail therapy, am I right? This treadmill, which I call the ADHD Spending Cycle, can be difficult to jump off of.

Add in the impulsivity of ADHD, which causes action before reflection. Now we have a killer recipe for overspending, feeling out of control, getting into hot water with credit card companies and the IRS…the list goes on and on.

So…what do we do?? How can ADHDers successfully get a grip on spending??

Usually, when using my B.E.A.S.T. Method of ADHD Friendly Financial Control, I would start with the B – background. However, I’d like us to gain some traction during this chaotic time. I’m going to suggest we jump to the E and A – emotions and actions/avoidance.

It’s time for you to be a detective.

For the next five days, take note of your spending, in terms of what you are doing, and how you are feeling. So, for example, last night I was scrolling the internet, and almost bought a new pair of pants. I was feeling excited to buy them for a trip I’m taking, but also was bored while watching TV. And I was lying around while doing it.

The more we can learn about what we are doing and feeling while spending, the more easily we can see patterns. This helps us to develop better strategies to counteract our actions.

So, in the example above, maybe I should be doing my crocheting while watching TV, instead of looking for things to buy. Also, making a list of what I need for my trip can guide me as to whether I actually need something new.

See how that works? 

Also, I can use a few other strategies – ones that you might find useful, and can put into practice right now:

  • Build in a way to change your mind – Leave items in the cart for 48 hours; leave tags on so items can be returned easily.
  • Find other ways to curate items – Make an Amazon list; Pinterest; bookmarks.
  • Budget a small amount for discretionary spending – In other words, scratch that itch, but in a controlled way.

There are countless other ways to get a grip on spending, but their effectiveness relies on knowing what is driving it. 

You may feel embarrassed, or fearful, when studying yourself. So I’m going to flip the script on this. You can feel PROUD that you are working on your spending patterns. And knowing the enemy, whether it’s impulsivity or dopamine chasing, makes you MORE POWERFUL.

You can do this! More strategies next time!!

PS – Here is a link to a spreadsheet to help you take note of your spending, actions, and emotions, including an example!  https://digioh.com/em/33248/200393/47wv8xr54d?demail=(email)

When Chaos Erupts

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Earlier this week I tripped, fell down the stairs, and fractured a bone in my ankle. I’m in a walking boot, which is way better than the crutches with which I was released from the ER.

Suddenly, everything is just a damn mess! I can’t drive, so every activity has to be recalibrated, postponed, or cancelled. I have new appointments with doctors to address the problem. And worst of all, at least for me – all of my routines are just shot.

It can be so difficult to establish routines, especially with ADHD. But once in place, routines become the anchors to our days. We feel organized and capable, which in turn leads to more organization, and more confidence. Structures and routines help to keep us from hours long rabbit hole searches, late night social media scrolling, midday naps. If I have a post lunch routine of making a cold brewed coffee and stretching, those actions send a signal to my brain that says “time to get to work.” Without the signal it’s a lot harder.

And now? My anchors are gone, and the ship is sinking!  But before I’m completely underwater, I’m trying to regroup. Here are some of the strategies I’ve discovered and leaned on in the past week:

1 – Take a small piece of your routine and try to save it. Part of my morning routine is making my bed. Looking at a messy unmade bed all day would serve as a reminder that I’m hanging on by a thread. I decided to save this part of my mornings.  So yesterday, I crawled around on my bed, getting it made. Holding onto something from your routines feels like an accomplishment (dopamine!) and will also make it easier to get back to them when the crisis is over.

2 – Find something that is a close substitute for a part of your routine you have to give up. Obviously, I can’t go running. But exercise is important for my physical and mental health. So today, I did a 30 minute seated upper body and core routine. Feeling good about doing what I can do, instead of focusing on what I can’t, and being proud of myself for taking action gave me a nice dopamine hit!. Use that ADHD creativity to find substitutions for what’s missing in your routines!

3 – Sit with your upset feelings. Whatever is driving the chaotic turn of events in your life, there will be activities that will be postponed or cancelled, people that you might not see, and possibly other disappointments. This can bring on feelings of frustration, sadness, anger – and as we know, emotional regulation is a challenge for ADHDers. However, I’m going to suggest that instead of squelching these negative emotions, we should attempt to just exist alongside them. Trying to push them away actually gives them strength and longevity. In the words of the late Dan Fogelberg, “Love if you can, cry if you have to, be who you must, that’s a part of the plan.” Did my frustration at EVERYTHING make me cry? You betcha! But that’s okay.

4 – Practice self compassion. The upside down of your life may be associated with one or some of your actions. Mistakes happen. You are human. Beating yourself up does not change the outcome. In fact, having compassion for yourself will enable you to bounce back from this downward trajectory much more quickly. Forgive yourself.

5 – Develop gratitude. Breaking my ankle, in a word, sucks. I’m no longer training for the NYC Marathon; I can’t even drive to a friend’s house. However, I am grateful for my doctor, my husband (a nurse extraordinaire!), the fact that it’s only a small fracture, and that my doctor thinks I’ll be fine by the end of the summer. All of this, big or small, is a reminder that although my day to day life is pretty messed up right now, I do have some great things and people to be thankful for. PS – if you don’t have a regular gratitude practice, think about starting one – it’s truly a game changer!

These are strategies that I’m putting in place. There may be more as the days roll on. But one thing for sure – my bed WILL be made.

Quit “Shoulding” On Yourself!

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How often do you think that you should be able to accomplish a particular task? Or that you should do….insert activity that might be good for you but that you don’t currently do?

Here are some examples:

I should be able to figure out my monthly expenses, what is wrong with me?

I should go to the gym more, what is wrong with me?

Everyone else remembered to call Sue on her birthday, I should be able to remember something that simple, what is wrong with me?

My mentor coach would call this “shoulding on yourself.” 

The word should, per the Oxford English Dictionary, is “used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions.” In other words, should is a judgment word. To “indicate…correctness” implies that if you don’t do what you should, you are incorrect. In the wrong. Even the definition tells us it’s used typically to criticize.

And for ADHDers, there can be lots of shoulds. And lots of self criticism.

But wait a minute, you say. Aren’t there things we really should do?

Of course there are. We should drive sober. We should pay our taxes. We should call our mothers on Mother’s Day, and dads on Father’s Day.

So when SHOULD we use should? And when is should akin to a four letter word?

The way I look at it is this: I feel that should can be reserved for absolutes. For rules, laws, socially acceptable customs – in other words, situations where there is no judgment involved, because it’s pretty black and white.

But when it’s not a rule, using should kind of makes it a rule. And then if we don’t do something, we’ve broken that rule-and we go down the rabbit hole of shame.

How about, when it’s not a rule, we use “want?” Let’s try it.

I want to be able to figure out my monthly expenses, but I’m not sure how. Maybe I’ll ask someone for help.

I want to go to the gym more, what can I do to get there consistently?

Everyone else remembered to call Sue on her birthday, I want to be able to remember something that simple. What can I do to make this happen?

“Should” makes it a rule, and invites embarrassment and shame. “Want” makes it a desire, and invites action.

So here’s a little assignment: try to notice when you say you should do something. And if you do catch yourself, replace should with “want to,” and see how different that vibe is.

It will probably make you want to stop shoulding all over yourself!