avoidance Archives - Constellation ADHD Coaching

Gas prices are skyrocketing. Actually all prices are climbing. And with that, our spending is rising daily.

We know we should “tighten our belts” (btw, I hate that expression – tightening your belt sounds so uncomfortable), But, what do we do if ADHD makes it so, so difficult to gain control of our money? And how do we deal with the guilt, shame, and fear that we feel when we can’t do so?

Let’s first briefly discuss WHY ADHDers have trouble controlling spending. First, buying things can make us happy. It can be a high dopamine activity, which, since ADHDers have low dopamine levels, is something we might seek out. Until the guilt kicks in. But then, we may double down to feel good again – retail therapy, am I right? This treadmill, which I call the ADHD Spending Cycle, can be difficult to jump off of.

Add in the impulsivity of ADHD, which causes action before reflection. Now we have a killer recipe for overspending, feeling out of control, getting into hot water with credit card companies and the IRS…the list goes on and on.

So…what do we do?? How can ADHDers successfully get a grip on spending??

Usually, when using my B.E.A.S.T. Method of ADHD Friendly Financial Control, I would start with the B – background. However, I’d like us to gain some traction during this chaotic time. I’m going to suggest we jump to the E and A – emotions and actions/avoidance.

It’s time for you to be a detective.

For the next five days, take note of your spending, in terms of what you are doing, and how you are feeling. So, for example, last night I was scrolling the internet, and almost bought a new pair of pants. I was feeling excited to buy them for a trip I’m taking, but also was bored while watching TV. And I was lying around while doing it.

The more we can learn about what we are doing and feeling while spending, the more easily we can see patterns. This helps us to develop better strategies to counteract our actions.

So, in the example above, maybe I should be doing my crocheting while watching TV, instead of looking for things to buy. Also, making a list of what I need for my trip can guide me as to whether I actually need something new.

See how that works?

Also, I can use a few other strategies – ones that you might find useful, and can put into practice right now:

Build in a way to change your mind – Leave items in the cart for 48 hours; leave tags on so items can be returned easily.
Find other ways to curate items – Make an Amazon list; Pinterest; bookmarks.
Budget a small amount for discretionary spending – In other words, scratch that itch, but in a controlled way.

There are countless other ways to get a grip on spending, but their effectiveness relies on knowing what is driving it.

You may feel embarrassed, or fearful, when studying yourself. So I’m going to flip the script on this. You can feel PROUD that you are working on your spending patterns. And knowing the enemy, whether it’s impulsivity or dopamine chasing, makes you MORE POWERFUL.

You can do this! More strategies next time!!

PS – Here is a link to a spreadsheet to help you take note of your spending, actions, and emotions, including an example! https://digioh.com/em/33248/200393/47wv8xr54d?demail=(email)

After many years of on and off cigarette smoking, I was finally able to quit for good in February 2017. At the same time, I began running, and actually ran, and finished, my first half marathon in October 2017. Running was just something I did – not that important, except when training for a race.

Fast forward a few years, to a long overdue check up. As the nurse took my pulse, she looked puzzled. She took it again, and shaking her head, said “your pulse is so low for someone your age.” At which point, I said, “I’m a long distance runner,” and it all suddenly made sense.

Just saying those words, “I’m a long distance runner,” changed so much for me. This isn’t just something I do, it’s part of who I am. Just thinking about that, on days I want to roll over and go back to sleep instead of putting in 8 miles, gets me to push off the covers and get moving.

And when runs, or races, don’t go the way I hope, it’s easier to deal with, because ups and downs are part of being a runner. The longevity implied by being, rather than doing, allows for success and failure, along a continuum.

Many – MANY – ADHDers struggle with task initiation, procrastination, and task avoidance. While this can be attributed, in part, to weak executive functions, and can, in part, be supported by a variety of strategies, there is also the cyclical shame and anxiety associated with these challenges. We can’t get started, so our work might be late or not as solid as it could be, which causes anxiety (“What if I can’t ever get this done?” shame (“I should be able to do this, why can’t I??”). Who wants to go through that over and over? Isn’t avoidance easier? (Ultimately we know the answer to that is no, but in the moment, that avoidance of shame and guilt is all we can handle).

How about approaching tasks slightly differently?

Kristen Jacobsen CCC/SLP, and Sarah Ward CCC/SLP propose using what they call “job talk” with kids. Rather than “Write this essay,” they suggest the declarative “We are essay writers,” claiming that using this format helps to activate non-verbal working memory and procedural memory, creates structure, and limits emotional reactions. Research has also been conducted on adult responses. When comparing reactions between “being a voter” (personal identity) and “voting” (behavior),it was found that the personal-identity phrasing significantly increased interest in registering to vote.

So how do you put this into action?

You can be very broad about this, as I was with “I am a long distance runner.” However, if starting on a specific task is alluding to you, that can be the basis of your statement. “I am a job searcher,” “I am a kitchen organizer,” “I am a proposal writer.” Does that feel different to you? Do you start to imagine what that means? Prior thinking about your role is a mental dress rehearsal, which is a very powerful tool.

So – be a job talker today. And I’ll be a long distance runner. Let’s see how far we can get.

PS – Next post – calling tasks what they really are…to us (bad language included).

Resources:

Bryan, C. J., G. M. Walton, T. Rogers, and C. S. Dweck. “Motivating Voter Turnout by Invoking the Sense of Self.” Proceedings of The National Academy of Sciences 108.31 (2011).

Kristen Jacobsen and Sarah Ward. “360 Thinking: Breakthrough Strategies to Develop Independent Executive Function Skills.” (2023).

Tag: avoidance

Spending Control the ADHD Friendly Way!

The Power of “Job Talk” For Adults