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Tag: ADHD parenting

The Case For Letting Kids Be Kids This Summer

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It’s summer. Either your kids’ school has put a “See you in September” sign on the front lawn, or they’re about to.

And there is nothing, nothing at all, like that last day of school feeling! A lot of us have forgotten how it feels to be completely, deliciously free. When I was a teacher, I was able to have that experience again, and it is truly unmatched.

But wait….here comes Mom with a Math workbook. Or Dad with a schedule for summer Phonics tutoring. And that glorious feeling just leaks away, leaving disappointment and sadness in its place.

ADHD kids often live through this scenario, summer after summer. If they struggled during the school year, due to challenges with focus, or executive function woes, they may be behind. And their well meaning parents want them to get caught up, before the new year brings new challenges.

As a retired teacher, and ADHD coach, and as a parent, I’m going to say something that some may consider revolutionary-even crazy.

Let your kids have time to just be kids this summer.

Now that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t do some activities related to academics. But maybe we can rethink how we go about it. Sort like sneaking kale into a mango smoothie.

For example-Math workbooks? Ugh, deadly. How about reviewing those multiplication facts during a catch outside? Fractions with cooking? Subtraction with how many more miles do we need to travel? Division with which is the better deal at the grocery store?

For more complex topics, check out the teachers’ savior site, teacherspayteacher.com. You can input your child’s grade level and topic, and there will be games, projects, mazes-lots more fun than a workbook, I promise.

Similarly, we can change our mindset about summer reading. Saying to our kiddos “You need to do your summer reading! Get started right now!” is not exactly the way to instill a love of reading in our children. But maybe offering to read the same book as they do, and having a book club with them will be more enticing. Or taking notes on what they read with pictures. Or a promise to watch the movie that is based on the book. All ways to sweeten the summer reading pot.

Watching “Hamilton” for American History. Trying foods of different cultures, with each family member picking a country and telling the rest of the gang about it. Looking at leaves under a microscope. You get the idea.

There are many ways to jazz up learning, with tons of ideas on the internet. That leaves one more point though.

Kids also need time to not be working on their school subjects, or organizational skills, or even camp or sports (and yes, I know that kids do love camp and sports).

Kids need time to just BE.

They need time to choose their activities (even if it’s video games), to wear their pj’s late into the morning, maybe even all day. To dig in the sand even if they are “too old” for that,  to go lie under a tree and watch the ants carry pieces of rock many times their weight. To have sleepovers with friends or siblings or cousins, staying up all night giggling, without worrying about needing to get up early to do five worksheets on exponents.

Unlimited time? No. But some time? Most definitely.  Depending on their schedule, and yours.

Those kid brains have earned a break. And our creative ADHD children need time to just think their own thoughts.

Let’s let our kiddos have that amazing last day of school feeling, for just a little longer. They need it – and they deserve it.

How To Stop Sending Hidden Negative Messages To Your Kid

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Let’s start with the basic premise that you love your kid. Let’s also recognize that if you are raising a kid (or kids!) with ADHD and other challenges, parenting is hard. The frustrations and worries one has as a parent of a neurotypical kid is multiplied by 1000.

As loving parents, we try our best. We not only make sure that our kids have what they physically need, but we also work hard to nourish their self esteem. We praise them. We spend time with them. Some of us even volunteer on teams and in classes, to show them how much we care.

But…somehow, our kiddo still thinks they stink. And still has a completely messy room, and flips out when we ask them to start their homework, or get ready for hockey practice.

Why?? Why are they not getting the message that we are sending, that they are just the greatest?

I am going to quote one of my mentors, and the founder of the Chaos Free Family program (for which I am an affiliate), Mary Smith, and talk about “leaking negativity.” 

When we think about negative reinforcement, we tend to go to punishment, yelling, or even physical consequences. And so if we aren’t employing those tactics, we think we are not engaging in negative reinforcement, right?

Guess again.

There are other more subtle disciplinary tactics many parents employ that are pounding our kids with negative messages that impact your child’s self esteem, and, as you’ve probably seen, aren’t effective in changing your child’s behavior.

Here’s an example of “leaking negativity.” Your child played in their softball game. They had a decent game, although if they had practiced their skills with you between games, as you’d suggested, they might not have missed that ground ball in the second inning. So you tell them how great they played, praise them about all of their highlights-and then, in an effort to help them improve their level of play, you mention that if they’d only practiced more, they could’ve played even better.

“What’s wrong with that?” you say. “I just want to help my kiddo be the best they can be!”

Here’s the issue. Your positive message is followed by “this is what you did wrong.” Your child will come to expect that, so that the impact of the positive message is completely wiped out; in fact, when they hear praise, they are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. No matter how well you tell them that they performed, they will only hear what they did wrong, from you-not their coach, but the person who is supposed to be their biggest supporter.

It’s no wonder they dawdle when it’s time to get ready to go to the ballpark.

It’s important to recognize that many of the ways in which we discipline our kids are negative reinforcers. And that emphasis on negativity can snuff out the ability of the brain to recognize positive reinforcement, causing the reward circuit to weaken, and motivation to decrease.

And your kid’s self esteem to plummet.

So let’s watch out for “leaking negativity.” It’s a sneaky little devil-and our kids deserve to have it removed from their lives.


For more information on leaking negativity, positive reinforcement, and ways to help you have a Chaos Free Family, reach out to me here for a Discovery Call:  https://calendly.com/constellationadhdcoach/30min

Chaos Free Family ADHD Coaching Program Now Available!

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It can be so heartbreaking to watch your child struggle with their ADHD. ADHD challenges can translate into difficulties with schoolwork, homework, and sports teams. And there is nothing worse than finding out your child is the one who doesn’t get invited to parties, or to playdates-because they are THAT kid.

I raised a child with ADHD. And looking back, there were so many things I wish I’d known. I wish I’d known more about ADHD, about what makes my kid tick. And about how to talk to him, how to help him to deal with the challenges he faced-and how to be sure that he always, always knew that I loved him, even when I was irritated or frustrated.

Things have changed in the 25 years since my son was diagnosed with ADHD. There is more awareness, more resources, and hopefully, less stigma. And as a coach, one of my goals, whether working with adults, teens, or young kids, is for my clients to have all of the information and guidance they need to live a rewarding, successful life. 

And now…I’m able to offer families just that. A fabulous resource that will enable you to have peace at home, and for your child to grow and thrive, WITH their ADHD.

I am THRILLED to announce that I have become an affiliate of the Chaos Free Family ADHD Coaching Program! This program takes a two pronged approach to coaching ADHD families. Prong #1 is education-an eight week class via concise, easy to follow videos that you can watch on YOUR schedule! This class is exactly what the doctor ordered-yup, parent education is part of the treatment of ADHD in children, per the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Prong #2 is coaching, with several different options, from group coaching to private sessions. Whatever works for you! During your coaching sessions with me, I will be able to answer questions that you have about the videos, your child, and the different strategies that you will be learning.

After completing this class, you will be well on your way to approaching issues with a parent coaching mindset-and you will feel like you can finally exhale!

I have to say-I wish this program had been around when my son was diagnosed. Let’s get together and chat about how much more peaceful your family life can be-and how happy your child can be. 

Chaos Free Family is a product of Chaos Free ADHD

Don’t Fear Summer With ADHD Kiddos!

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It’s summer!! Woo-hoo!

Said very few parents of ADHD kids, ever.

Parents of ADHD kiddos love their kids. But when summer comes, this small-ish child (or children!) looms large in their parents’ minds-and what goes through their heads are the tantrums, the meltdowns, the mess. And the dread.

I’m here to tell you – you can actually have a good summer with your ADHD child. Maybe even a great summer. Let’s talk about some strategies.

1 – Give your kid(s) ownership of their summer. You all are one team (maybe even give it a name!). You can work together to determine what your family would like to do this summer, and how to make some of those activities happen. You, as the adult, have veto power – but before you outright nix an idea, brainstorm ways to modify or limit the activity to make it acceptable to you. Nothing engages kids (and adults) more than planning an activity. And ADHD kiddos are so often told they are wrong, or bad – helping to plan an activity for the family will be so empowering! However, if after talking it through, you are still 100% opposed, do not be afraid to say, “I’m sorry, but we can’t do that.” You are in charge.

2 – Think out your boundaries, and share them with your kids. What do you need from this summer? Are you working? Then you need time to do that, at a time that you determine. Do you want your house to be straightened up each night? Would you like to work on a project? All of these activities require time, and might require alone time for you. You will need to unflinchingly tell your kids your boundaries, and let them know that these are non-negotiable. Period.

3 – Structure each day/week. ADHD kids do so much better  with structure. Each day should have some basic parts – meal times, TV time, reading time, etc-and every week should also have a plan. The weekly plan can be looser than the daily plan – this week we will go swimming, go to the beach, and visit Grandma – and then you can slot activities in when it works with your schedule.

4 – Have a team huddle every morning – and include praise for your kids’ efforts. 10 minutes to set expectations for the day in the morning can prevent meltdowns later in the day. And recognizing when you see them being team players is so motivating!

5 – Guarantee quiet, solitary time for each kiddo every day. We all wish our kids would wake up each morning and be so thrilled to see their siblings that they’d never argue. Ha! Good one! In order to prevent meltdowns, consider letting your kids hang in their rooms, alone, not as punishment, but just as time by themselves.You can determine the time of day, based on when it seems they are getting on each other’s nerves, and amount of time. But just knowing there will be a breather from their sibs could carry your kids through some rough waters when they’re together.

6 – Assign chores to your kids – and consider paying them. Parents generally feel that kids can’t do chores. Quite bluntly, that;s incorrect. If your kids balk at chores, before you take away TV, etc,find out what’s causing that. It may be something as simple as not knowing how to perform the chore. Paying them a small amount is a great incentive – after all, we get paid for work, shouldn’t they?

Finally, although these strategies will help, be ready for some rough days. Some days during the summer will be awesome, and will provide some wonderful memories for all of you. But there will be difficult days, when you will yell, the kids will cry, and your house will look like the proverbial tornado hit it. Those are the days you pop in a movie, or let the kids play videogames in their pj’s for the rest of the day, while you retreat to Bravo TV and serve something delivered by Door Dash for dinner.

And that’s okay. Because you and your team will go on to play another day.