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The Change In Your Kid Starts With You

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Parents often ask me to coach their pre-teen and teenage kids. They are concerned that their children are having difficulties in school, with homework, chores, handling their emotions, mornings and evenings. Parents would like to see their kids change.

Many parents are completely surprised when I tell them that in order to see their children make progress, the first place that change has to happen is with them.

Wait, what?? 

Yes, it’s true. YOU are going to have to make some changes if you want your kiddo to do so.

Here’s a common example. Your kid is constantly running late in the morning. They have missed the school bus many times, causing you to run behind on starting your day because you have to drive them to school. There are arguments every morning. You feel exhausted right at the beginning of the day. How can this situation be addressed and improved?

We could say that your child needs to get out of bed earlier, should put their phone away, ought to pick out their clothes the night before, or just needs to grow up. But saying this over and over will not make change happen. However, if YOU make changes – for example, taking their phone out of their room at bedtime so that it’s unavailable for morning scrolling, working with your child to figure out timing for the different parts of the morning routine, maybe even setting up a reward system – then there is a shot at improvement.

Here are some general parental changes that are a good starting point:

1 – Learn as much as you can about ADHD – Read. Watch videos. Go online – not TikTok, but real qualified sources of information. Join CHADD and other support groups. Develop a really solid understanding of what ADHD is and isn’t, the science behind ADHD, and common misconceptions. I’m alarmed when I find out that parents haven’t done this. If your child had diabetes, wouldn’t you want to know everything about it? Well, the same applies to ADHD.

2 – Keep in mind that kids with ADHD are often 2 – 3 years behind their peers in terms of their executive functions  – So this means the statement “a kid who is _____ years old should be able to _________” is completely pointless. By their birth date your child may be 13 years old, but in terms of their development, they could be somewhere around 10 or 11, causing them to be incapable of what their age mates can do.

3 – Take the role of advocating for your child seriously – As a retired teacher, I hate to say this, but many teachers still have not gotten the training they need to work with kids with ADHD. Other adults may not know anything at all. You may have to (nicely!) go toe to toe with teachers, principals, sports team coaches, camp directors, family members. This is, however, your job as a parent. Your kid should know unequivocally that if there is anyone in this world who will fight for them, it is you.

4 – Shaming and guilting your child will actually make things worse – Ah yes, the old “my parents yelled at me and embarrassed me in front of my friends, and it worked.” Perhaps that is so. Thankfully, we know more now about what is effective and appropriate. Kids with ADHD already feel “less than.” Making them feel badly about themselves will not help them to change their behavior in a positive direction. 

5 – Tell your child about their ADHD – Your kid has a right to know that his brain works differently than some others, and that does not make him dumb or bad. Give them at least the basics; sprinkle in some knowledge of both famous people with ADHD, and family members who may have it. 

6 – Work collaboratively with your child to solve problems – In the scenario above, sitting down with your kiddo, talking about what you see as the problem, and asking them how they think it should be solved gives them agency and motivation. It also can be a huge time saver. They know themselves best!

7 – Sometimes, you will have to do something unpopular – Kids love their electronics. Many parents use taking them away as a punishment, which very rarely does anything to change behavior. You may have to say “no electronics until homework is done” or “you can have your phone after you’ve cleared the table.” Your kid will not love this. That’s okay. The idea of work before play is a solid one for kids to learn early.

8 – Every single day, love your child – Kids with ADHD can be difficult to raise. Between executive function challenges and emotional dysregulation, home life can become very chaotic and charged. Take breaks when you need to (I’m a big fan of the lock yourself in the bathroom strategy). But strive to show your child that you love them, whether it’s a quick hug or a compliment. Don’t skimp!

9 – Try to keep your sense of humor – This can be very hard to do. There are days where nothing seems funny at all. If possible, try to step back just a little, and see if you can find some humor somewhere. You can’t yell while you’re laughing!

As you can see, your change comes first. I put learning about ADHD first because I feel that sets the stage for seeing your child as a person with a brain that works differently than the typical kid, which will in turn help you to help them.

Change IS gonna come. For your kid…but first, for you.

My Kids Drive Me Crazy on Snow Days!

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The blizzard of ‘26 is upon us. Dare I say, we in the Northeast are winter weary.

And if I think I have it bad, it is nothing compared to parents who are dealing with bored kids. Kids who are over playing in the snow and sledding, who can’t get to their friends’ houses, and who are downright cranky.

What is a parent to do? How can moms and dads of ADHD kiddos deal with the lack of structure that ultimately is the undoing of their children, and therefore, of themselves?

The answer is: create a structure. A loose one, allowing for the wonder of a snow day (which, despite being tired of snow, kids still will jump up and down for). But a framing of the day is necessary. 

Kids with ADHD often have non-verbal working memory issues. That means that they have difficulty keeping directions and steps in mind; they have challenges when planning their actions. You’ve probably seen this, in the morning or at bedtime, when your kiddo just stops in their tracks, and doesn’t move from one activity to another. Without structure, they feel aimless, and will often find ways to fill that space that are not great. 

On days like today (and tomorrow, and maybe Tuesday), there is no real structure being provided by school, or meetings, or working out. That aimlessness will occur, and your child will find something to do that will, at the very least, annoy you. That’s why it is essential that the ADHDers’ feeling of just wandering through the day can be mitigated by making a plan.

Sitting down with your ADHD child to create a blueprint for the day is a great idea – if YOU have first determined what you would like to see. For example, your child may say “I want to play video games for seven hours tomorrow!” This is an enormous amount of time on a screen, even on a show day. Knowing what you would like to see, and what you find unacceptable, will enable a discussion that is productive, and a plan that is agreeable to both you and your child.

Here is one example of a snow day plan:

Wake up by 10am. No iPad, phone, or TV until the morning routine and breakfast is complete.

Breakfast (or Lunch, depending…) – help with breakfast; this can mean putting out placemats, setting the table, helping with food preparation, loading the dishwasher.

Screens – total of 3 – 4 hours for the day (more than usual, since there isn’t much else to do). Three of the hours can be used consecutively, or spread over the course of the day. The last hour will take place after chores are done.

Chores – complete one daily and one weekly chore.

Other – read, draw, help with shoveling. Can play with your sister as long as there is no fighting. If there is fighting, you will be separated, and will be sent to your rooms to calm down. 

Evening routine – Screens are taken away. The evening routine should include getting ready for tomorrow (when there will most likely be school), including picking out clothes and prepping their backpack.

You do not have to plan a day that mimics a school day. If the snow day is a pajama day, that’s fine. It is up to you and your family. Just make sure there is a mix of fun, relaxation, and work.

The plan can be posted somewhere that everyone can see it (magnet to fridge?). If your child objects during a transition, simply pointing to the plan is all that is necessary (and can keep you from engaging in a fruitless argument).

So somewhere between shoveling the snow and cooking something warm and delicious, sit down with your kid(s) and plan out the day. And stay safe!

Why Won’t My Kid Do Homework??

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Among my clients past and present, one of the biggest issues seems to be homework. Not just for younger kids – this extends from the elementary grades, all the way through college.

It would be difficult to find a kid who LIKES homework (excluding fun projects). But ADHD kiddos in particular seem to have an aversion to assignments that outmatches their neurotypical peers. Why is that?

  • Lack of dopamine – completing homework generally does not give someone a major dopamine boost. In ADHDers, whose dopamine is already compromised, this makes doing homework less attractive than…well, almost anything. Homework is boring!
  • Reward system differences/time blindness – kids with ADHD don’t respond to negative consequences as a motivator. This means that telling your child “if you don’t do your homework you will fail the class” doesn’t have the impact it would have on a neurotypical child. Furthermore, due to time management executive function challenges, using a future impact to convince an ADHD child to do their work is ineffective. ADHDers tend to have two time periods: now, and some other time. And some other time is vague and not really a factor.
  • Additional work due to incomplete class assignments – ADHD kiddos, whether due to lack of focus, lack of interest, or not attending to/understanding directions, can have difficulty completing classwork during the class period.They may then be tasked with completing the work at home. This is not given instead of homework; it is added to the homework load. So ADHD kids can, on any given night, have double the workload of neurotypical children.
  • Challenges with planning and organization – many kids – and adults – with ADHD lack the ability to plan and organize their assignments. This is due to executive function weaknesses, including non-verbal working memory challenges. So when your child comes home, all they see is this massive mountain called Homework, which they find intimidating. Avoidance is a natural response to this.
  • Not knowing what they need to do – with my clients, I have found that every teacher has their own way of disseminating information. Some use Google Classroom. Some expect students to copy homework assignments from the board, into their planners. Some yell out, at the end of class, “do the problems on page 9 for homework!” This inconsistency is anathema to a child that already has issues with organization. 

So yes, there are real reasons relating to your child’s ADHD for being less than thrilled about homework. But homework exists anyway. What can we do?

Here are some strategies to try with your ADHD kiddo, gleaned from my years as both a teacher, and an ADHD coach:

1 – Speak to the child’s teacher(s) – if your child is struggling with getting their homework done in a reasonable amount of time, or if your family’s wellbeing is being challenged by nightly homework battles, your first stop is the teacher. There is no way for the teacher to know what goes on after school without someone telling them. If your child is older, they can have a conversation with the teacher. Advocating for themselves is a life skill they will need as they get older.

2 – Help your child plan out their homework – Every day, have an adult (you or someone else) sit down with your child to develop a plan for getting their assignments done. This means going through Google Classroom (if being used), notebooks, and planners to see what has been assigned and when it is due. Be sure to ask your child if they have any additional classwork to finish up. If your child is older, it is still important for them to complete this planning stage. Perhaps emailing it to you is a good way to have accountability without your direct participation.


3 – For larger assignments, help your child plan out the steps to completion – This includes determining what actions are necessary (so, rather than putting “book cover” on your list, include a verb like “draw book cover”), and creating deadlines for each step. Again, having your older child do this and emailing it to you works well. This is basically outsourcing non-verbal working memory.

4 – Designate a space for your child to do their homework – This does not have to be a desk in their room; in fact, being away from everyone may lead to turning to other, more dopamine producing activities (aka videogames). Setting up at the kitchen table consistently can work, as long as there isn’t a ton of distractions and activity.

5 – No screens before or during homework – Many of us feel sorry for our kids, and want to let them have a little fun before going back to work. However, once they are on their phones or watching TV we have lost them, and the pull back to homework becomes substantially more painful. Screentime, in whatever form you choose, can be the reward for homework completion; it is not necessary or advisable before or during homework time.

6 – Try body doubling with your kid – Body doubling, an extremely successful ADHD strategy, involves working at the same time, in the same place (in person or virtually) as someone else, but not directly working with them. So, for example, sitting at the kitchen table while your kid does homework, you can be paying bills, doing your own work, or even just reading. It helps to keep both parties on track. You can do this with your college student on Zoom – bonus points for having contact with your kid!

There are many, many more strategies living in my ADHD Homework toolbox – these are just a few to get you started. Please reach out if you need more help!

 

The Kids Are Ready…But Are You??

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Their backpack is brimming with new notebooks and supplies. You’ve loaded their lunch account with money, and their pens and pencils are ready to solve tricky math problems and write wonderfully creative stories. 

Your kids are ready to start the new school year…but are you?

School can be anxiety producing for parents, particularly for parents of neurodivergent kiddos. In addition to homework, projects, and after school activities, ADHD parents spend every day waiting for the shoe to drop. Waiting for the homework that has been left at school, the assignment due tomorrow that your child remembers at 10pm, or the phone call from the teacher, about your child’s various and sundry challenges that they’re not sure how to handle.

It’s exhausting. And disheartening.

Here, in no particular order, are five ways you can prepare yourself for your child’s school year, in order to make this year less stressful for YOU.

Wake up 15 – 30 minutes before your children do – We all like to roll over and get that last few minutes of sleep. But there is something so calming, and so wonderful, about having a few minutes of quiet before the day roars in. The time is yours, to use as you wish – coffee, meditating, working out, checking email, watching birds hovering at your bird feeder – however you would like to start your morning. 

Keep an updated calendar for the entire family Whether you use a Skylight, Google Calendar, or a big whiteboard, having a calendar where ALL of your family’s appointments, activities, major projects, and tests are in one place allows for better planning. It also enables your ADHD kiddo(s) to be supported in their time management challenges; encourage them, when they ask if they can meet up with friends on any given day, to check the calendar for their availability (and yours, if you need to drive them).

Practice talking less  As parents, many of us (myself included) feel the need to explain ourselves to our kids. “No, you can’t go out now, it’s 9pm,” turns into “No, you can’t go out now, it’s close to your bedtime, and I don’t want you to get to bed late, and then be tired tomorrow. You have a test, and you need to…” Your child hasn’t listened to anything beyond “no.” And you’ve used precious energy overexplaining. Keep it simple. If your child has questions or objections, they will most certainly let you know!

Find something to do consistently that shows obvious results Raising kids is about playing the long game. What you do today may not net results for years, or ever. Having something that enables you to net some quick progress is not only satisfying, it can mitigate feeling like you are getting nowhere. Reading, knitting, coding, baking, refinishing furniture – anything with a short term easily identified result can balance out that long term commitment. 

Be aware of your emotional temperature, and take a break when you need to  Learning how it feels to be hovering on the edge of exploding is something we try to teach our ADHD kids that struggle with emotional dysregulation; but are we applying this to ourselves? Feeling your face get hot, your heartbeat increase – those signals shouldn’t be ignored! If you find yourself about to lose it, take a short break. If you can get outside and take a walk, great. If not, hide in the bathroom or bedroom, and take deep breaths for a few minutes. Raising any kid, but particularly a neurodivergent child, can be very challenging to your patience – but blowing up at your kiddo won’t solve the problem, and will only leave the two of you feeling awful. Avoiding that icky feeling is worth taking a time out for a few minutes.

As they say in “The Hunger Games,” “may the odds ever be in your favor.” Put another way…have a great start to what will hopefully be a wonderful year!!

The Case For Letting Kids Be Kids This Summer

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It’s summer. Either your kids’ school has put a “See you in September” sign on the front lawn, or they’re about to.

And there is nothing, nothing at all, like that last day of school feeling! A lot of us have forgotten how it feels to be completely, deliciously free. When I was a teacher, I was able to have that experience again, and it is truly unmatched.

But wait….here comes Mom with a Math workbook. Or Dad with a schedule for summer Phonics tutoring. And that glorious feeling just leaks away, leaving disappointment and sadness in its place.

ADHD kids often live through this scenario, summer after summer. If they struggled during the school year, due to challenges with focus, or executive function woes, they may be behind. And their well meaning parents want them to get caught up, before the new year brings new challenges.

As a retired teacher, and ADHD coach, and as a parent, I’m going to say something that some may consider revolutionary-even crazy.

Let your kids have time to just be kids this summer.

Now that doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t do some activities related to academics. But maybe we can rethink how we go about it. Sort like sneaking kale into a mango smoothie.

For example-Math workbooks? Ugh, deadly. How about reviewing those multiplication facts during a catch outside? Fractions with cooking? Subtraction with how many more miles do we need to travel? Division with which is the better deal at the grocery store?

For more complex topics, check out the teachers’ savior site, teacherspayteacher.com. You can input your child’s grade level and topic, and there will be games, projects, mazes-lots more fun than a workbook, I promise.

Similarly, we can change our mindset about summer reading. Saying to our kiddos “You need to do your summer reading! Get started right now!” is not exactly the way to instill a love of reading in our children. But maybe offering to read the same book as they do, and having a book club with them will be more enticing. Or taking notes on what they read with pictures. Or a promise to watch the movie that is based on the book. All ways to sweeten the summer reading pot.

Watching “Hamilton” for American History. Trying foods of different cultures, with each family member picking a country and telling the rest of the gang about it. Looking at leaves under a microscope. You get the idea.

There are many ways to jazz up learning, with tons of ideas on the internet. That leaves one more point though.

Kids also need time to not be working on their school subjects, or organizational skills, or even camp or sports (and yes, I know that kids do love camp and sports).

Kids need time to just BE.

They need time to choose their activities (even if it’s video games), to wear their pj’s late into the morning, maybe even all day. To dig in the sand even if they are “too old” for that,  to go lie under a tree and watch the ants carry pieces of rock many times their weight. To have sleepovers with friends or siblings or cousins, staying up all night giggling, without worrying about needing to get up early to do five worksheets on exponents.

Unlimited time? No. But some time? Most definitely.  Depending on their schedule, and yours.

Those kid brains have earned a break. And our creative ADHD children need time to just think their own thoughts.

Let’s let our kiddos have that amazing last day of school feeling, for just a little longer. They need it – and they deserve it.

How To Stop Sending Hidden Negative Messages To Your Kid

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Let’s start with the basic premise that you love your kid. Let’s also recognize that if you are raising a kid (or kids!) with ADHD and other challenges, parenting is hard. The frustrations and worries one has as a parent of a neurotypical kid is multiplied by 1000.

As loving parents, we try our best. We not only make sure that our kids have what they physically need, but we also work hard to nourish their self esteem. We praise them. We spend time with them. Some of us even volunteer on teams and in classes, to show them how much we care.

But…somehow, our kiddo still thinks they stink. And still has a completely messy room, and flips out when we ask them to start their homework, or get ready for hockey practice.

Why?? Why are they not getting the message that we are sending, that they are just the greatest?

I am going to quote one of my mentors, and the founder of the Chaos Free Family program (for which I am an affiliate), Mary Smith, and talk about “leaking negativity.” 

When we think about negative reinforcement, we tend to go to punishment, yelling, or even physical consequences. And so if we aren’t employing those tactics, we think we are not engaging in negative reinforcement, right?

Guess again.

There are other more subtle disciplinary tactics many parents employ that are pounding our kids with negative messages that impact your child’s self esteem, and, as you’ve probably seen, aren’t effective in changing your child’s behavior.

Here’s an example of “leaking negativity.” Your child played in their softball game. They had a decent game, although if they had practiced their skills with you between games, as you’d suggested, they might not have missed that ground ball in the second inning. So you tell them how great they played, praise them about all of their highlights-and then, in an effort to help them improve their level of play, you mention that if they’d only practiced more, they could’ve played even better.

“What’s wrong with that?” you say. “I just want to help my kiddo be the best they can be!”

Here’s the issue. Your positive message is followed by “this is what you did wrong.” Your child will come to expect that, so that the impact of the positive message is completely wiped out; in fact, when they hear praise, they are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. No matter how well you tell them that they performed, they will only hear what they did wrong, from you-not their coach, but the person who is supposed to be their biggest supporter.

It’s no wonder they dawdle when it’s time to get ready to go to the ballpark.

It’s important to recognize that many of the ways in which we discipline our kids are negative reinforcers. And that emphasis on negativity can snuff out the ability of the brain to recognize positive reinforcement, causing the reward circuit to weaken, and motivation to decrease.

And your kid’s self esteem to plummet.

So let’s watch out for “leaking negativity.” It’s a sneaky little devil-and our kids deserve to have it removed from their lives.


For more information on leaking negativity, positive reinforcement, and ways to help you have a Chaos Free Family, reach out to me here for a Discovery Call:  https://calendly.com/constellationadhdcoach/30min

Chaos Free Family ADHD Coaching Program Now Available!

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It can be so heartbreaking to watch your child struggle with their ADHD. ADHD challenges can translate into difficulties with schoolwork, homework, and sports teams. And there is nothing worse than finding out your child is the one who doesn’t get invited to parties, or to playdates-because they are THAT kid.

I raised a child with ADHD. And looking back, there were so many things I wish I’d known. I wish I’d known more about ADHD, about what makes my kid tick. And about how to talk to him, how to help him to deal with the challenges he faced-and how to be sure that he always, always knew that I loved him, even when I was irritated or frustrated.

Things have changed in the 25 years since my son was diagnosed with ADHD. There is more awareness, more resources, and hopefully, less stigma. And as a coach, one of my goals, whether working with adults, teens, or young kids, is for my clients to have all of the information and guidance they need to live a rewarding, successful life. 

And now…I’m able to offer families just that. A fabulous resource that will enable you to have peace at home, and for your child to grow and thrive, WITH their ADHD.

I am THRILLED to announce that I have become an affiliate of the Chaos Free Family ADHD Coaching Program! This program takes a two pronged approach to coaching ADHD families. Prong #1 is education-an eight week class via concise, easy to follow videos that you can watch on YOUR schedule! This class is exactly what the doctor ordered-yup, parent education is part of the treatment of ADHD in children, per the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Prong #2 is coaching, with several different options, from group coaching to private sessions. Whatever works for you! During your coaching sessions with me, I will be able to answer questions that you have about the videos, your child, and the different strategies that you will be learning.

After completing this class, you will be well on your way to approaching issues with a parent coaching mindset-and you will feel like you can finally exhale!

I have to say-I wish this program had been around when my son was diagnosed. Let’s get together and chat about how much more peaceful your family life can be-and how happy your child can be. 

Chaos Free Family is a product of Chaos Free ADHD

Don’t Fear Summer With ADHD Kiddos!

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It’s summer!! Woo-hoo!

Said very few parents of ADHD kids, ever.

Parents of ADHD kiddos love their kids. But when summer comes, this small-ish child (or children!) looms large in their parents’ minds-and what goes through their heads are the tantrums, the meltdowns, the mess. And the dread.

I’m here to tell you – you can actually have a good summer with your ADHD child. Maybe even a great summer. Let’s talk about some strategies.

1 – Give your kid(s) ownership of their summer. You all are one team (maybe even give it a name!). You can work together to determine what your family would like to do this summer, and how to make some of those activities happen. You, as the adult, have veto power – but before you outright nix an idea, brainstorm ways to modify or limit the activity to make it acceptable to you. Nothing engages kids (and adults) more than planning an activity. And ADHD kiddos are so often told they are wrong, or bad – helping to plan an activity for the family will be so empowering! However, if after talking it through, you are still 100% opposed, do not be afraid to say, “I’m sorry, but we can’t do that.” You are in charge.

2 – Think out your boundaries, and share them with your kids. What do you need from this summer? Are you working? Then you need time to do that, at a time that you determine. Do you want your house to be straightened up each night? Would you like to work on a project? All of these activities require time, and might require alone time for you. You will need to unflinchingly tell your kids your boundaries, and let them know that these are non-negotiable. Period.

3 – Structure each day/week. ADHD kids do so much better  with structure. Each day should have some basic parts – meal times, TV time, reading time, etc-and every week should also have a plan. The weekly plan can be looser than the daily plan – this week we will go swimming, go to the beach, and visit Grandma – and then you can slot activities in when it works with your schedule.

4 – Have a team huddle every morning – and include praise for your kids’ efforts. 10 minutes to set expectations for the day in the morning can prevent meltdowns later in the day. And recognizing when you see them being team players is so motivating!

5 – Guarantee quiet, solitary time for each kiddo every day. We all wish our kids would wake up each morning and be so thrilled to see their siblings that they’d never argue. Ha! Good one! In order to prevent meltdowns, consider letting your kids hang in their rooms, alone, not as punishment, but just as time by themselves.You can determine the time of day, based on when it seems they are getting on each other’s nerves, and amount of time. But just knowing there will be a breather from their sibs could carry your kids through some rough waters when they’re together.

6 – Assign chores to your kids – and consider paying them. Parents generally feel that kids can’t do chores. Quite bluntly, that;s incorrect. If your kids balk at chores, before you take away TV, etc,find out what’s causing that. It may be something as simple as not knowing how to perform the chore. Paying them a small amount is a great incentive – after all, we get paid for work, shouldn’t they?

Finally, although these strategies will help, be ready for some rough days. Some days during the summer will be awesome, and will provide some wonderful memories for all of you. But there will be difficult days, when you will yell, the kids will cry, and your house will look like the proverbial tornado hit it. Those are the days you pop in a movie, or let the kids play videogames in their pj’s for the rest of the day, while you retreat to Bravo TV and serve something delivered by Door Dash for dinner.

And that’s okay. Because you and your team will go on to play another day.