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Self Compassion – A Magic Wand for ADHD Challenges

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Clients come to me wanting relief – from being late for work or school, not paying bills on time, missing an important deadline or a loved one’s birthday, and the guilt and shame they feel from it all. They ask for strategies and hacks, hoping that I will provide the one technique that will be life changing.

I don’t have all of the answers. But I do have one “magic wand” for my clients, and for you.

It’s self-compassion. Treating ourselves with the same kindness we would use for a close friend – especially when we mess up. Self compassion aids in dealing with ADHD challenges.

When I ask clients to tell me what happens internally when they forget to feed the dog, it is a torrent of critical verbal vomit, both about this particular inaction, and their worth in general. “I’m a horrible person, the poor dog was starving.” “I don’t deserve to have a pet.” “What is wrong with me??”

And many ADHDers are afraid to let go of this narrative, because they feel it is the only way they will ever become “better.” That this self criticism will serve as motivation to change.

How’s that working out for you?

That criticism, that shame and guilt, will not help you to remember to feed the dog next time. In fact, it will have the opposite effect. Research tells us that all of the stress you are feeling due to the critical way you are talking to yourself, about YOU, makes feeding the dog something to avoid – because you don’t want to feel this way again. So actually, it’s the opposite of motivating.

However, exercising self compassion allows ADHDers to let themselves off the hook. Which makes it a lot easier to try again. Motivating.

So, how does an ADHDer who has been hearing from others, and from themselves, that they are lazy, incompetent, unreliable people, develop self compassion? How is it possible to cut down on the negative messages that are the background music of every single day?

First, we need to get a more detailed definition of what self compassion actually is. According to Dr. Kristen Neff, self compassion has three parts: self kindness, shared humanity, and mindfulness. So, treating yourself as you would treat a dear friend, recognizing that no one is perfect, and that everyone on this planet makes mistakes, and having awareness of what you are telling yourself, so that you can change this negative diatribe, rather than becoming consumed by it.

Second, we also need to understand what self compassion isn’t. It’s not thinking “everyone else is wrong, and I’m right” or “so I didn’t feed the dog, who cares? The dog doesn’t need to be fed all the time anyway.” It’s not about denying responsibility.

When you mess up, you’re still responsible. It’s just that it’s not unforgivable, or a sign of a flawed character. So you can own your mistake, because it’s just that – a mistake. Not the end of the world! Quite a different message than your inner critic is feeding you, no?

Using our dog example, taking responsibility would be “Darn it, I forgot to feed the dog again!” Being mindful would help us to stay aware of the messages we are giving ourselves in this moment, and letting the negative narrative go. Then kindness and shared humanity would kick in: “I feel badly that I forgot to feed the dog. I got busy and lost track of time. Typical ADHD! But It doesn’t mean I’m a bad pet parent, I love our dog! Sometimes people forget things. I’m doing the best I can.” 

One additional part I like to add in is the “and” statement. This gives you a chance to try to improve the situation. So, in our dog scenario, it would sound something like this: “And I’ll feed her right now, and try setting an alarm to help remind me next time.” Your energy isn’t drained by inner criticism, so you can use it to address the actual issue.

Not easy, I know. Breaking a years – or sometimes decades – long habit of being the villain in your own story can be incredibly difficult. But it is 100% worth it. Research has shown that developing self compassion can absolutely be life altering. That calm verbal hug that you are giving to yourself can help you to feel safe, and secure in the knowledge that if you mess up, it’s okay.

PS – For some strategies for making self compassion, rather than self condemnation, your go to, click here! https://digioh.com/em/33248/200780/evndrbqfty?demail=(email)

 

Crossing the Finish Line With ADHD

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Yesterday I went to mile 22-ish to cheer my daughter on at the New York City Marathon (and yes, she did great!!). As I stood on a Manhattan street corner, a sea of runners moved past me. They were all ages, sizes, and all running at different speeds. I saw a woman pushing a man in a wheelchair, and a blind man running with guides. Some people looked like they were out for a relaxed jog, while you could see the pain of every step written on the agonized faces of others.

I found myself studying the runners, looking for clues to connect a runner’s demeanor with…something. Of course, the major factor for all competitive runners is training, which I could not see. But there are other more observable differences. Some runners were running, others were doing a combination of running and walking. There were runners who had doused themselves with water, and were dripping wet, trying to stay cool on a sunny day. Shorts were worn by some; pants by others, with jackets and hats. In other words, each runner had adjusted their pace, and their environment, to their own particular needs.

In my coaching practice, I often come across clients who seem stunned when I suggest making some changes that could make life easier-reminders, alarms, a text from me as their coach-and say “I should be able to do this on my own!” Says who? Your unique brain might need something different from the brain of the guy in the cubicle next door. That doesn’t make you wrong or weak-just different. Being neurodivergent means recognizing this, and honoring it.

Let’s be clear here. The marathon is 26.2 miles, and it is not made shorter for anyone. There might be ways to mitigate those miles – taping your knees, having a great podcast cued up-but you must run each and every mile.

Work and home projects work the same way. Filing your paperwork, or cleaning out your closet, cannot be shortened if you are to bring them to completion. But listening to music, or making a game of cleaning, or body doubling with a friend, can help to support your efforts. Which isn’t cheating-it’s smart.

In the end, I have never heard of someone being disqualified from the marathon because they wore compression socks. As long as they have crossed the finish line, they are marathoners. And no one will say you didn’t send out thank you notes because you rewarded yourself with ice cream when you were done. They’ll probably say “that’s brilliant!”

How Body Doubling Is Changing My Life!

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That sounds awfully dramatic, doesn’t it? But it’s the truth!

I have a project that has been sitting on my back burner for so long, it’s blending in with the decor. It’s a terrific project, a great idea, something that, if I can get it off the ground,will enable me to help people make major positive changes in their lives…

But, there it sits.

And the thing is, I already started it, awhile back. So it’s not about starting this project, and feeling overwhelmed. It’s about starting AGAIN.

It’s that same feeling you get when you’ve been going to the gym consistently, and then life happens, and you miss one workout, and another, and another. It’s almost harder to go BACK to the gym than it was to start in the first place.

What’s up with that?

When we are starting something new, there’s excitement. There’s anticipation. Using the gym example, there are so many possibilities-feeling great, looking chiseled, meeting new people.

But that excitement isn’t really there when we go BACK to something we’ve done in the recent past. Sure, we know it’s a good idea, we looked and felt much better when we were working out often, but it’s really hard to drum up that “new” feeling that kicks our enthusiasm-and our dopamine-up several notches.

And that’s exactly what I have run into with my project. I know it’s a great idea, but I also can’t garner that “Yahoo!” feeling. The newness isn’t there. Plus I also know about the downside-that I actually have to do work to make it happen!

Enter body doubling. Body doubling is when we work alongside someone, as opposed to with them. It is a great way to keep working-you’re not going to start playing on your phone when you’ve committed to working and your body double can see you. So it works fantastically well for distractions.

But as an incentive to start a task? Yup!

A friend offered to body double with me while I work on this project. She had some work to do as well, so we would both benefit.

And suddenly, the newness was there! I was going to work with my friend! And be able to share my progress! 

This new twist made all the difference.

So far, we’ve body doubled once, and now, I’m working away on my project even when she’s not around, so I can tell her how far I’ve come since I saw her last. Accountability is built into the process, along with having a work buddy.

Now, there is actually hope of completing this project in the foreseeable future, which could really be a game changer for me, and others. 

The project is off the back burner. In fact-it’s got a hell of a fire under it. Thanks to body doubling.

If you are interested in body doubling with me, you can register for my weekly Monday afternoon sessions-FREE! Here’s the link:  https://calendly.com/constellationadhdcoach/body-doubling

Why You Need Boundaries, And How To Keep Them 

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Everyone has been there…your best friend/sister/uncle needs a ride to the airport, which is about 1 hour away. They need said ride on a Thursday afternoon, somewhere in the rush hour zone, during the time of day that you might have to cart a kid to soccer, or attend a business meeting. Or, heaven forbid, have a few minutes to yourself.

Yet, although this scenario screams “SAY NO!!” we don’t. We suck it up, we move our meeting, and polish our halos with the fabric of our resentment. We have no one to blame but ourselves, however; we are the ones who forgot to have boundaries.

There are those that equate boundaries with selfishness. This, however, is incorrect. In geography, a boundary is something that separates one place from another. Many people mark these boundaries with shrubs, or a fence. And no one says “ooh look they’re so selfish to put a fence around their property.” It’s their house/land/kingdom, and what anyone else thinks is simply not important.

Having boundaries simply means that we consider ourselves and our needs important, and that we honor this when deciding how to spend our time and energy.

For ADHDers, boundaries can be even more crucial than for NT folks.But they also can be harder to keep intact.

Because ADHDers can have difficulties with time management and organization, if we don’t have strong boundaries, we will often commit to things that we just can’t get to-and might not even realize that until it’s too late. However, it can be more difficult for ADHDers to uphold boundaries because many ADHDers are people pleasers, due to hearing negativity day after day after day. So those boundaries can often be ignored, in the pursuit of feeling valued by others.

So, what is an ADHDer to do? Start by building a metaphorical fence. Or a moat, if you’re into that royalty thing.

First determine what you would like your boundaries to be. Do you want to have weekends free from work obligations? Is having dinner as a family a priority for you? What activities are important to you, professionally or personally? No boundary is silly, or selfish. 

Once you’ve decided where you’d like your boundaries to be, that is where you put down your imaginary stakes. On one side is you and how you’d like your life to look. On the other-everyone and everything that is vying for your time and attention. 

This is where it gets tricky-where buttressing the fence with the concept of valuing yourself and your needs comes in. Not a strong suit for people pleasers.

It’s so easy to say “oh, I can skip the gym this once” or “it’s okay if I work an occasional Saturday.” And there will be times that warrant bending the rules a bit-an emergency, a situation that really speaks to you. But if that’s not the case, you need to remember this one thing:

I PUT A FENCE HERE FOR A REASON THAT MATTERS TO ME, AND I’M NOT TAKING IT DOWN.

What can help you remember this? Visual aids?A large picture of a white picket fence above your desk? A quote on your phone’s wallpaper? A coach or friend/family member reminding you? Leaning on a strategy here is a great idea!

Another area that bears discussion relates to HOW we speak of our boundaries.  We all like to make others happy; no way do we want to make anyone angry. Telling people “No thanks, I’d rather stay home tonight with my cat than go out with you,” or “I was away for the weekend, so I didn’t check my email,” can cause at least a mild amount of hysteria. Sometimes more than a mild amount.

So practicing phrases like “I wish I could, but I’m busy,” or “I’ve got a lot going on right now,” or even “I’m just overwhelmed already, I can’t add another thing to my plate,” can help to keep the fence in place and steady, without anyone getting all worked up about it. And without you having to defend your choices, which is also a slippery slope for those of us who can feel that we don’t deserve to make choices.

You may feel like these sentences are lies, that you are being disingenuous by saying them. In fact, they are the truth. Because being busy or having a lot going on does not mean “except for things I want to do.” Those activities are just as important as tasks imposed upon you at work, or by family.

So build that fence. And start using it. It gets easier with time, and practice.

What’s The Deal With Gratitude Journals?

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I’m not sure how many of you are from the New York City area, or have been there, or have just seen it on television. However, I think it’s fair to say that most people, when they think of New Yorkers, think of tough, unfiltered, often rude people, who do not tolerate B.S. ever.

Not only am I a born and raised New Yorker-I’m from Brooklyn. Telling this fact to my former students on Day One of school prompted good behavior for at least a few days.

So when Oprah started talking about gratitude journals, and stopping to notice the birds and flowers, I thought that the idea was ridiculous. “Who has time for that?” I thought. “Sure, I’m grateful for a lot of things and people in my life, but can’t I just be grateful and not make a big deal out of it? I know that I’m grateful, no one needs to tell me how to do it.” 

And there’s no way I needed another item on that to-do list, right?? It’s overflowing as it is.

Of course, as with most things, Oprah actually had it right. Especially for someone like me.

You see, having that tough Brooklyn persona requires keeping your feelings hidden-with the possible exception of anger. The whole premise of being a New Yorker is being unflappable. Add ADHD into the mix, and there can be the guilt and shame associated with missing deadlines, etc.-being tucked away where no one can see.

However, being that stoic, unaffected human doesn’t just keep you from getting carried away when something bad happens. It also prevents you from getting pumped up about the good, particularly the little things that can go unnoticed. In fact, not only can you miss acknowledging them-it might, in fact, be uncool to do so. Who stops their day to note their gratitude for the technology that lets you pay your bills online, and therefore on time?

Well…now I do.

I don’t know what possessed me to start my gratitude journal-I think I was given a really nice notebook, and wanted to use it. I try to take note of the small things-my dog’s soft ears, talking to my kids, having a productive day.

Having this become a habit has trained me to notice things I’m grateful for during the day, so I have something to write about. I consistently notice the good things in my life, which in turn lifts my mood.

When one is dealing with ADHD, finding that little kernel of happiness in a day can sometimes be the key to persevering. To saying, “Okay, I paid that bill late. But I’m not a loser. I’m grateful that I only paid it two days late, and that I’m smart enough to find a strategy to help with this.”

Plus anything that helps one focus on something is always a good exercise for ADHDers.

Why It’s Okay To Say “Hey, Siri?”

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I was chatting with a client the other day, discussing a strategy we had designed together to help keep her on track with keeping her house more organized and clean. When I asked her the question, “How will you remember to do this?” her response was “Well, I can set a reminder, but I really should be able to remember without it.”

She SHOULD remember without a reminder? What does that even mean??

The word “should” implies a rule or requirement, like you should eat vegetables, or you should drive under the speed limit. But as far as I know, there is no rule in this world that requires people to remember tasks, birthdays, and anything else, without any sort of support.

And yet, this is a common ADHD lament…I SHOULD be able to do this without using any of the many things that would make it easier/shorter/more likely to happen.

Interestingly enough, neurotypicals don’t feel this way. In fact, they embrace any and every thing that will help to make life easier. Apple watches, Alexa, air fryers, dashboard reminders for oil changes-these are all ways that technology helps to make things smoother. And it is not just ADHDers who are calling out, “Hey Siri?”

So that got me thinking about why neurotypical folks embrace futuristic enablers, and ADHDers feel guilty about using them.

I realized that, because ADHDers often feel like they are AT FAULT, they are incapable, they are lazy-possibly because they’ve been told that by teachers, family, and others-they want to show that dammit, they don’t need help! They can do it! I’m not going to need no stinkin’ Alexa!

This is quite the conundrum. Because ADHDers are NOT at fault, they ARE capable. They are NOT lazy-and there is nothing wrong with using supports that are available, just like neurotypicals do. In fact, it can be a real game changer for ADHDers.

Look, I sew things. Now I certainly know how to thread a needle, and sew by hand. But, when given the choice, I will always use my sewing machine. And that’s not because I’m lazy, or incapable. It’s because it makes it much more likely that I will complete the project I’ve started-and I’ll enjoy it more, because the time and drudgery of hand sewing is eliminated.

So, my ADHD friends, please do NOT eschew technology, or planners, or any of the things that can make it more likely that you will succeed. Be the intelligent, creative person you are, and utilize anything you can to improve your life.

I’m not going to say you SHOULD embrace supports. Maybe…just strongly consider it.