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And the rose goes to….

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So, I’m going to admit to something a little embarrassing – I watch “The Bachelor.” It started off as a family thing, where we’d all watch and text each other to make fun of it, but now I just watch it regardless. It’s ridiculous, and at times offensive, but it’s sort of like having junk food-not great for you, but soothing in its own way.

So I was watching the latest season of “The Bachelor” (the most dramatic season ever!), and suddenly, I heard a contestant, Elizabeth, tell another woman, Shanae, that she has ADHD. In fact, Elizabeth uses this as a defense when she is accused by Shanae of being “two faced” and “not paying attention to her,” claiming that she has difficulty focusing on more than one person at a time.

And Shanae, who has already been established as a villain, says (I’m paraphrasing here), “Oh sure. Don’t only kids have ADHD? Yeah, you have ADHD, I have ADHD, everyone has it.” She then tells all of the other women in the house that Elizabeth has ADHD, and everyone is appalled that Shenae told them about Elizabeth’s “mental health challenges.”

The next day, several people came to Elizabeth’s side in the press, including a former Bachelorette, saying that they too have ADHD, have experienced what Elizabeth is discussing, and that Shanae is just a real jerk.

Now, I suppose people discussing ADHD openly is a good thing-so much better than when kids were told “Don’t tell anyone about your ADHD! It’s not their business!” (and yes, that did happen, quite a bit, about 15 or 20 years ago and beyond). As well as celebrities jumping up to say that they have ADHD too.

So why does the whole thing make me feel so icky?

If you’ve watched any of the seasons of “The Bachelor” franchise, you can’t miss the fact that every episode is heavily edited, to depict intrigue and drama among the contestants. So ADHD has become part of the plot, along with group dates and rose ceremonies.

Would the same have happened if a contestant said she had Crohn’s disease, and had a stomach ache? Or diabetes, and was concerned about her sugar? Would ABC have kept footage of a contestant saying, in response, “Diabetes? Yeah I don’t do well with sugar either. Everyone has trouble with sugar, we all have diabetes.” 

Unlikely.

While shining a light on ADHD is always welcome, treating it as something that is just a plot point is unfair, and irresponsible. The desired end, in this case filmed acrimony between two contestants, isn’t always justified by the means.

Maybe ABC should get back into the Afterschool Special business. And do one on ADHD.

Ritualizing Your Routines

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Make a checklist. Set a reminder. Set a timer. 

All good ways to embed structure into our lives. 

But-well, I don’t know about you, but while I do get a kick out of crossing things off on a checklist, it’s not something that gets my dopamine flowing like Niagara Falls.

And so, I introduce to you my favorite hack-ritualizing the routine.

Rituals are special activities that we do repeatedly. They are often associated with holidays, or special events-decorating Christmas trees, making potato pancakes on Hanukkah, throwing change into someone’s new car (that might just be a New Jersey thing. Some of them are pretty standard, while some are just our family’s or our own. A bath with a glass of wine on a Friday night is an example of a personal ritual.

So, since rituals repeat, why can’t we connect a ritual to one of our routines?

For example, I pay my bills every month. It can be pretty stressful. Did I spend too much? Was there an emergency vet visit on my credit card that I have to pay off? I can feel my face getting hot just thinking about it. 

So in order to make it more palatable (and honestly, increase the chances that I’ll actually do it), I have ritualized it. I make a lovely cup of tea. When I prep my tea, I take my time-Earl Grey? Peppermint? I sit on my bed, and I take my time,turning paying my bills into a special occasion. 

Sounds pretty crazy, right? But I get it done. And I feel like the most important CEO while I’m doing it. And actually, I am, right? CEO of my own life!

Same thing with cleaning. I hate to clean. Period. My cleaning ritual? I listen to my favorite podcast (“Watch What Crappens,” which hilariously recaps Bravo shows) while I clean. I look forward to it every week. And I don’t listen to it any other time (unless I’ve cleaned for the week), just like people don’t have Christmas trees up in July (well, some people do, but that’s a whole other discussion).

This probably sounds a lot like rewarding yourself. But the difference is that rewards are given AFTER something is completed. These rituals are happening during the activity-to give you the dopamine kick you need to start, and to keep going.

The rituals that you choose should be ones that resonate with YOU. It can be anything-wearing something in particular, a certain playlist, a special snack. As long as it’s something that you can repeat, and that is special enough to you that it entices you into filing those papers, along with having Pepperidge Farm Milanos (for which I’d do mostly anything).

Give it a try. You never know when wearing your favorite fluffy slippers while dusting will actually make a difference.

Super Hero Status

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When I taught fifth grade, one of the topics we would discuss is what super power we would like to have. Invisibility was a big one among 11 year olds, as they envisioned being up to stay up late playing video games with no one knowing. I personally voted for being a human flame; although I told the kids it was to make s’mores at will, it was really to shoot my flames at anyone who got in my way (especially in parking lots).

Sometimes people refer to ADHD as a superpower. I’m not sure I agree with that; I feel like a superpower should have only upside, and as we know, ADHD has its downsides too. That would be like saying my anxiety is a superpower, because I’m prepared for any worst case scenario. Sure, it’s  come in handy to be ready for disaster, but the accompanying jaw clenching and worry is enough of a problem to take away superpower status, in my opinion.

But although I may not have a classic superpower, I do feel like I am a Super Heroine. I was a superhero in my role as a teacher, trying to tirelessly help kids learn, giving them a safe place to land, and listening to their feelings when others didn’t. Was I perfect? No way. But I did my best, and that, to me, is a superhero quality.

I truly believe that in our roles, we can be superheroes and heroines. Did we make someone laugh today? Did we help our kids with their homework? Get a jar of gravy off of a high shelf for an elderly person? Encourage someone to have hope? Listen to a client or friend, so that they felt heard?

All of these things, and more, allow us to gain Super Hero status. And the more we try to do our best in our roles, the more we try to learn and improve and be present for those that are in our lives, the larger and more colorful our capes become.

So I still wouldn’t mind being able to shoot flames out of my fingers when someone cuts the line at Trader Joe’s. But maybe I’m enough of a Super Heroine to let it go-this time.

Structure Overload

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Make a list, they said. Make a list, and a time to check it, and an alarm for that time, and an alarm to set the alarm for checking, and, and, and…

Yes, structure can be super helpful to ADHDers trying to survive in a neurotypical world. But when does structure become a barrier to success?

Some of ADHDer’s challenges stem from weak executive functioning, and compromised working memory. Recognizing this, and realizing that support for these areas will be necessary, is pretty crucial for improving one’s ability to stay organized, meet deadlines, and generally deal with obligations that keep us employed, sheltered, and not pissing off relatives by forgetting their birthdays. There is no shame in needing strategies and support for executive function, just like there’s no embarrassment in wearing glasses if you have impaired vision. 

And those supports really need to be the right ones for you. If I wear my husband’s glasses, I will easily walk into a wall. And if he wears mine, he will likely drive off a cliff. If I tried to use his to-do list, I’d probably lose my mind. And vice versa.

Sometimes, though, we go overboard-and the very structure that is supposed to help us becomes a burden. It might be too much structure-scheduling every minute of every day-or not the right kind. Some people thrive with bullet journals. Personally, not my jam (and I have tried, I have the gorgeous journals with 5 pages filled to prove it).

When we over-structure, it can cause discomfort, even resentment. And that’s the tipping point at which one might say “I hate all of these lists. That’s it, I’m done!” And the ADHD free fall begins.

We’ve all been there. It lasts…until the scales shift, and there’s more discomfort with the free fall than the structure. And back and forth we go.

But, what if we built some free fall into our structures? For example, one day a week without a to do list. Or an hour every day built in for just…being. Or maybe, including some time every week for going down rabbit holes.

It’s tough to balance one’s ADHD tendency to go down the rabbit hole with the need for a plan, to not just get stuff done, but also to feel good about the effort. But both are parts of the ADHDers’ make up. So why not just own that…instead of trying to extinguish it?