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Category: Structure

Making Habits Stick

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Many of us, whether neurodiverse or neurotypical, have difficulty making habits stick. We can have great reasons for these habits, they can improve our lives in ways big and small, but still – we just can’t get it done.

For example, I would really like to get in the habit of cleaning up my kitchen every evening. Sure, we do the basics – dishes, table cleared, food put away – but what I’m after is wiping down the counters, stove, and table, and sweeping the floor, every single day. I have great reasons for this – it’ll make weekly cleaning so much easier, the kitchen will always be clean and ready for food preparation, it’ll be nice to come in for my morning coffee and see a neat, clean room.

But somehow, nighttime comes, and although cleaning up the kitchen would take me about 5 minutes, it is impossible for me to get myself to stand up and do it. 

What am I doing wrong??

While reading B.J. Fogg’s book, “Tiny Habits,” I discovered my mistake. It’s all in the timing.

I think many of us try to complete whatever behavior we are trying to make habitual before doing something we would actually like to do. The logic is that if I can’t do what I want to do until I do what I should do, I’ll be more apt to just get the habitual behavior done. So, in my example, I try to clean up before sitting down to watch Jeopardy! In the evening.

This, my friends, does not work. 

All this does is bring out the 10 year old in all of us, who says “You’re not the boss of me! I’m going to go watch Jeopardy! And I’ll clean up later on!”

Except…we don’t. We get comfy on the couch, and before you know it, it’s bedtime, and no cleaning is coming between me and my pillows.

According to Fogg, founder of the Behavior Design Lab at Stanford University, the inclination to hook two behaviors together is correct. But we need to pair the new habit with something we already do – and take on the new behavior after one we already engage in.

So, taking my example further, I thought about my evenings, and realized that I make myself a cup of tea almost every night. I get up, go into the kitchen, prep my teacup, and put it into the microwave for a little over a minute.

Following Fogg’s instructions, I found a step in my tea-making that I could place something after – in my case, turning on the microwave. Once I heard the microwave start, that was my signal to grab my sponge and start to clean.

And you know what? This worked! And I didn’t feel resentful, or annoyed. I felt accomplished.

Is there something you know you’d like to make a habit, but have been struggling to do so? Try using the “after ____________, I will do _____________” method from BJ Fogg.

Who knows? Maybe after making a habit stick, you will start a new habit based on that one. And on, and on, and on….

Bundle Up: How to Look Forward to Your Chores

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We all know that feeling of dread – it’s time to clean the bathroom. Clean out the garage. Go to the gym. Wash the dog.

For neurotypicals, after a battle between that dread, and the feeling that you should be doing said dreadful task, the task wins, and off they go wielding a toilet brush – maybe grudgingly, but they go. 

However, ADHDers have a different approach. When faced with a low dopamine task, ADHDers will avoid it. The consequences of ignoring the task – a messy house, a smelly dog – are in the future, and therefore, aren’t important. The ADHDer knows that cleaning the bathroom would be a good thing to do, but without the urgency of “someone is coming over today!” it just doesn’t happen. Add in some shame at having avoided the task, and you have the recipe for classic ADHD living. 

But there is a way to make those tasks more palatable. Dr. Katy Milkman, professor at the Wharton School of Business and renowned researcher, discusses what she has termed “temptation bundling” in her book “How To Change: The Science of Getting From Where You Are to Where You Want To Be” (which, BTW, is a really great book, super readable and terrific ideas).

Temptation bundling is the concept of putting together a source of instant gratification with a less desirable but “should” activity – so, in sticking to our example, cleaning the bathroom while listening to a podcast that you love. Per Milkman’s research study, when subjects had an indulgence “bundled” with something considered a chore, their participation in the “should” activity increased.

There is a caveat here. In the study, participants only had access to the fun activity while participating in the required activity. So that means that whatever you choose to bundle with scrubbing that toilet, it can only take place while the brush is in hand.

I use temptation bundling often. I have a particular podcast that I only listen to when I’m cleaning. I put my tea in to steep while I’m cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. I only listen to my workout music playlist, well, when I’m working out.

And I will tell you – this works! 

Is it hard to resist the urge to do the “fun thing” at other times? Yes, it can be. One way to avoid that as an issue is to schedule your chore right after the indulgence becomes available – so, as one of my clients is doing, cleaning on the day after two of her favorite podcasts come out. But if you don’t have that flexibility, you might want to consider something that you can put aside – maybe an audiobook, or TV show that you like, but can wait to watch.

So, instead of putting that toilet brush away, see if you can bundle it with something fun. Science says it works; hopefully you will too.

Zeroing In On Email

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I just spent the last two weeks traveling across the country, and back, by car. With my husband and dog in tow, we saw the world’s largest rocking chair, the alleged birthplace of James T. Kirk, and most importantly, our son and his fiancee. It was a busy, fun vacation.

When you have your own business, or have people counting on you, it’s pretty tough to put up one of those “Annette Lang will be on vacation until….” messages without feeling guilty, panicky, or both. On the other hand, I needed a break from the everyday. 

So I decided that this would be a great time to try out the idea of a Zero Based Inbox. Here’s how I did it.

1 – First of all, I looked through my emails from the past two weeks, deleting anything I didn’t need. I then archived everything prior to that.

What?? Get rid of all of those emails?? Nope! Archiving just gets them out of your inbox, into some storage room for emails you might need one day but probably don’t. It’s like keeping those linens that you never use-just in case a family of eight takes up residence with you, you’re ready! But until then, those sheets and towels are out of sight.

2 – I then made three labels (I use Gmail, I believe Outlook has similar capabilities): Action, Info, and Review. You could choose whatever would work for you. Whenever I read my emails, each one went into one of those labeled spaces.

My inbox? Empty. 

The whole idea is to stop using your inbox as a storage area. Seeing that inbox “unread” number can be so intimidating, and can make even the strongest among us click out of that email tab, and call it a day.

3 – I checked my email a bunch of times during the day. By checking, I mean looking at the email, and either deleting/archiving it or labeling it with one of my three labels. I found a really nice app called Triage that enabled me to quickly go through my emails, and either archive or leave in the inbox. I’d then have a lot less to deal with to zero out my Inbox.

I saw myself starting to overthink the best label for each email, and so I gave myself no more than 30 seconds to classify an email. If, when I’m reviewing them, I find I put it into the wrong sort, I can always move it.

4 – I then designated a couple of times a day to go through my three labeled areas. Action was looked at, but because I was on vacation, I didn’t really act on any of the emails in there, other than to respond to a couple, letting the sender know I’d get back to them when I got back.

Review was reserved for emails I needed to really focus on to read. They might have links to articles I’d find useful, or I might not be sure how to proceed. So I’ll review, or read them again.

And finally, Info is for just that. It includes zoom links for meetings (which I put on my calendar and then delete), and other information.

And that’s it!

Guess what? Every time I see that empty inbox, I get a little zing of dopamine. Which is a whole lot better than the thud of “Ugh, I have so many emails.” 

Not to mention that anticipating getting that little sparkly feeling causes me to check my email regularly, instead of avoiding it. And setting up specific times on my calendar to get into greater detail with my email has not only helped me to do so, but has also enabled me to eliminate getting bogged down in my emails when I need to be doing something else.

Now that I’m back from my trip, I’m getting back into my normal routine. But my Zero Based Inbox is one souvenir from my trip that I am going to keep.

Leaning Forward When You’d Rather Lean Back

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I learned to ski as an adult. To say I was afraid is to delve into understatement. I was terrified. But I was dating a Vermonter at the time, and when in Vermont….so I took ski lessons.

I wasn’t half bad at it, to be honest. But the one part of skiing that I just couldn’t wrap my mind around was that, while I was hurtling down an icy slope with limited ability to stop, my instructor kept yelling, “Nose over your toes! Lean forward!!”

Lean forward? Was he nuts, or just some sort of sadistic weirdo? When you are going downhill, your instinct is to lean back-to slow down the action, to pull away from what, as a beginner skier, looks to be your death spiral. I resisted the urge for a long time-and while I was never going to be an Olympic skier, leaning back kept me from being a better skier than I was.

Young children, in general, can be difficult at times. They run around, they jump on your bed, they feed their dinner to the dog. Children with ADHD have the extra oomph of being impulsive-what would happen if we smash the TV to let the people out-as well as having difficulty settling in for baths, storytime, meals. 

And as a parent, after several hours, all you want to do is lean back.

So you put on the latest Paw Patrol episode, intending to just take 15 minutes to regroup and maybe use the bathroom. But then the peace and quiet is so intoxicating..and suddenly, 15 minutes has turned into 3 hours.

Now, we’ve all had days where, for everyone’s sake, the above scenario is not just necessary, it’s recommended. And I am in no way criticizing anyone for it. Been there, and have done it. However, when 3 hour TV breaks become the norm, and yet your child is still driving you mad, it might be time to lean forward.

What does this mean? It entails saying to your child, “Hey, Bobby. We need to chill a little bit, but I still want to play. What would you like to do for the next little while?” And then….and here’s the hard part…doing what they ask.

It’s hard because no, you really don’t feel like pretending you’re a farm animal, or dressing up, or playing 20 card games. You have laundry to do, and a work call to make, and your client will not understand if you yell “Uno!” during your Zoom call.

But giving your child that little bit of time-even just 15 minutes-to call the shots, and to have your complete attention-and that means no phone in hand-can do magical things. 

It changes the pace. It pauses the frenetic action. Most importantly-it tells your child, in ways that words can’t, that they are a priority. And that you enjoy them. And while that isn’t going to mean that they will stop feeding green beans to Fido, what it will do is strengthen your bond with your kid. It’ll help you understand what and how they think. And it will make you a better parent. Which is what our kids deserve.

Structure Overload

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Make a list, they said. Make a list, and a time to check it, and an alarm for that time, and an alarm to set the alarm for checking, and, and, and…

Yes, structure can be super helpful to ADHDers trying to survive in a neurotypical world. But when does structure become a barrier to success?

Some of ADHDer’s challenges stem from weak executive functioning, and compromised working memory. Recognizing this, and realizing that support for these areas will be necessary, is pretty crucial for improving one’s ability to stay organized, meet deadlines, and generally deal with obligations that keep us employed, sheltered, and not pissing off relatives by forgetting their birthdays. There is no shame in needing strategies and support for executive function, just like there’s no embarrassment in wearing glasses if you have impaired vision. 

And those supports really need to be the right ones for you. If I wear my husband’s glasses, I will easily walk into a wall. And if he wears mine, he will likely drive off a cliff. If I tried to use his to-do list, I’d probably lose my mind. And vice versa.

Sometimes, though, we go overboard-and the very structure that is supposed to help us becomes a burden. It might be too much structure-scheduling every minute of every day-or not the right kind. Some people thrive with bullet journals. Personally, not my jam (and I have tried, I have the gorgeous journals with 5 pages filled to prove it).

When we over-structure, it can cause discomfort, even resentment. And that’s the tipping point at which one might say “I hate all of these lists. That’s it, I’m done!” And the ADHD free fall begins.

We’ve all been there. It lasts…until the scales shift, and there’s more discomfort with the free fall than the structure. And back and forth we go.

But, what if we built some free fall into our structures? For example, one day a week without a to do list. Or an hour every day built in for just…being. Or maybe, including some time every week for going down rabbit holes.

It’s tough to balance one’s ADHD tendency to go down the rabbit hole with the need for a plan, to not just get stuff done, but also to feel good about the effort. But both are parts of the ADHDers’ make up. So why not just own that…instead of trying to extinguish it?