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Category: Prioritization

Why Won’t My Kid Do Homework??

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Among my clients past and present, one of the biggest issues seems to be homework. Not just for younger kids – this extends from the elementary grades, all the way through college.

It would be difficult to find a kid who LIKES homework (excluding fun projects). But ADHD kiddos in particular seem to have an aversion to assignments that outmatches their neurotypical peers. Why is that?

  • Lack of dopamine – completing homework generally does not give someone a major dopamine boost. In ADHDers, whose dopamine is already compromised, this makes doing homework less attractive than…well, almost anything. Homework is boring!
  • Reward system differences/time blindness – kids with ADHD don’t respond to negative consequences as a motivator. This means that telling your child “if you don’t do your homework you will fail the class” doesn’t have the impact it would have on a neurotypical child. Furthermore, due to time management executive function challenges, using a future impact to convince an ADHD child to do their work is ineffective. ADHDers tend to have two time periods: now, and some other time. And some other time is vague and not really a factor.
  • Additional work due to incomplete class assignments – ADHD kiddos, whether due to lack of focus, lack of interest, or not attending to/understanding directions, can have difficulty completing classwork during the class period.They may then be tasked with completing the work at home. This is not given instead of homework; it is added to the homework load. So ADHD kids can, on any given night, have double the workload of neurotypical children.
  • Challenges with planning and organization – many kids – and adults – with ADHD lack the ability to plan and organize their assignments. This is due to executive function weaknesses, including non-verbal working memory challenges. So when your child comes home, all they see is this massive mountain called Homework, which they find intimidating. Avoidance is a natural response to this.
  • Not knowing what they need to do – with my clients, I have found that every teacher has their own way of disseminating information. Some use Google Classroom. Some expect students to copy homework assignments from the board, into their planners. Some yell out, at the end of class, “do the problems on page 9 for homework!” This inconsistency is anathema to a child that already has issues with organization. 

So yes, there are real reasons relating to your child’s ADHD for being less than thrilled about homework. But homework exists anyway. What can we do?

Here are some strategies to try with your ADHD kiddo, gleaned from my years as both a teacher, and an ADHD coach:

1 – Speak to the child’s teacher(s) – if your child is struggling with getting their homework done in a reasonable amount of time, or if your family’s wellbeing is being challenged by nightly homework battles, your first stop is the teacher. There is no way for the teacher to know what goes on after school without someone telling them. If your child is older, they can have a conversation with the teacher. Advocating for themselves is a life skill they will need as they get older.

2 – Help your child plan out their homework – Every day, have an adult (you or someone else) sit down with your child to develop a plan for getting their assignments done. This means going through Google Classroom (if being used), notebooks, and planners to see what has been assigned and when it is due. Be sure to ask your child if they have any additional classwork to finish up. If your child is older, it is still important for them to complete this planning stage. Perhaps emailing it to you is a good way to have accountability without your direct participation.


3 – For larger assignments, help your child plan out the steps to completion – This includes determining what actions are necessary (so, rather than putting “book cover” on your list, include a verb like “draw book cover”), and creating deadlines for each step. Again, having your older child do this and emailing it to you works well. This is basically outsourcing non-verbal working memory.

4 – Designate a space for your child to do their homework – This does not have to be a desk in their room; in fact, being away from everyone may lead to turning to other, more dopamine producing activities (aka videogames). Setting up at the kitchen table consistently can work, as long as there isn’t a ton of distractions and activity.

5 – No screens before or during homework – Many of us feel sorry for our kids, and want to let them have a little fun before going back to work. However, once they are on their phones or watching TV we have lost them, and the pull back to homework becomes substantially more painful. Screentime, in whatever form you choose, can be the reward for homework completion; it is not necessary or advisable before or during homework time.

6 – Try body doubling with your kid – Body doubling, an extremely successful ADHD strategy, involves working at the same time, in the same place (in person or virtually) as someone else, but not directly working with them. So, for example, sitting at the kitchen table while your kid does homework, you can be paying bills, doing your own work, or even just reading. It helps to keep both parties on track. You can do this with your college student on Zoom – bonus points for having contact with your kid!

There are many, many more strategies living in my ADHD Homework toolbox – these are just a few to get you started. Please reach out if you need more help!

 

I Wish I Had A River To Skate Away On..

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It’s coming on Christmas,

They’re cutting down trees,

They’re putting up reindeer, singing songs of joy and peace,

Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on.

Even Joni Mitchell felt overwhelmed by the holidays (btw, if you’ve never heard her holiday song “River,” go listen to it right now. You’re welcome).

“Overwhelmed? What do you mean? It’s the most wonderful time of the year!!”

Perhaps. But the holidays are a lot. And when you have ADHD, they are a lot of a lot.

For example, getting gifts for people can be so difficult. Analysis paralysis, plus people pleasing, plus lack of financial control, can become a nightmare scenario of buying at the last minute. Add the ADHD tax of having to send gifts via FedEx 24 hour delivery. And the possible future issue of buying gifts without actually knowing how much you can afford, and will have to pay for.

And then there is receiving gifts. “Now how could receiving gifts be a problem?” you say, thinking that I am some sort of Grinch. 

Let’s try a little scenario here.Your mom gets you a sweater. She gets your sister a bracelet. Probably the same monetary value, and you did ask for a sweater. BUT her gift is so much nicer! Mom loves her more! Rejection sensitivity skating on in! 

Or your mom gets you a sweater. But you didn’t ask for a sweater; you asked for gloves. Does your mom not think you know what you need? How can she ignore what you asked for? Let’s have a little emotional dysregulation with those gloves please!

And I cannot leave out the actual holiday celebration. Family, friends…what could go wrong??

If you are fortunate enough to celebrate with your people, your very own chosen tribe…enjoy every minute!

But many of us will be spending the holidays with family from near and far that are not quite so understanding of neurodivergence.  Some of that family may not be very well versed in ADHD – what it is, and what it isn’t. Unbelievably, there are still people who think ADHD is fake – all you, or your ADHD kiddos, need is a kick in the ass.

Getting through dinner with those who deny your issues, and who feel the need to let you know this, is what would send me through the door, looking for any sort of body of water to skate away on.

So, what is one to do? How can an ADHDer have a happy holiday season? Here are just a few tips.

1 – Recognize that the holidays are not necessarily all they are cracked up to be, to eliminate the feeling of FOMO, as well as the idea that you have failed at Christmas. Ignore Facebook and Instagram posts showing perfect trees, happy children, couples kissing under the mistletoe. Real life is not a Hallmark Christmas special! 

2 – For gift buying, if possible, try to figure out how much to spend in total. The more you spend on one person, the less you will have for someone else. This can keep the January regrets – and credit card bills – from ruining the start of 2026.

3 – A gift that someone gives to you is not a linear measure of how they feel about you. It’s a culmination of so many things – what they think you might like, sure, but also what is on sale? What comes in your size? What did they give you last year? How much do they have to spend on gifts? When you start to feel rejection sensitivity relating to a gift you are given, ask yourself if YOUR gifts reflect ONLY how you feel about someone? 

4 – It is okay, if you are feeling overwhelmed or irritated at any point during the holiday festivities, to excuse yourself from the area, and spend some time alone. Splash cold water on your face, take deep breaths, mentally sing a song. You don’t have to be at the table for every single minute of the day.

5 – Likewise, you do NOT have to go to every holiday event to which you are invited. There will be some that feel mandatory, and you may have to weigh the “price” of going versus the “price” of sitting it out. For example, the work Christmas party may be an event you feel you can’t miss. You do not, however, have to stay from start to finish! 

6 – Finally, and perhaps most importantly, give some thought to what YOU would like to have as part of your holiday. Is it binging “Gillmore Girls” while wearing PJ’s and eating ice cream? Do it. Is it Face Timing with your far away nieces and nephews? Do it. Is it making a yummy breakfast for your kids, and then letting them wear sweatpants to Grandma’s house for Christmas lunch, rather than fighting with them? Do it. You can invent your own traditions, or eschew last year’s plans to make new ones this year. Use that fabulous ADHD creativity to create the holiday YOU want.

Whatever makes you feel like you don’t want to skate away on that river…at least, not today.

 AI Is A Tool, Not A Person

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I have had many clients tell me, “I talked to ChatGPT, and it said…” or “Claude told me…” or even “AI is always so nice to me!”

Is AI a powerful, extremely useful tool? Absolutely. But it’s just that – a tool. Treating AI as if it is a person whose opinion matters is the same as expecting the stove to tell you that what you are planning to cook is a bad idea. 

AI can be particularly helpful to ADHDers. Developing a schedule, breaking down a task, summarizing notes or conversations are all jobs that can be handled by AI quickly and easily. I have encouraged clients to use ChatGPT for resume writing (where style or voice isn’t really a thing), or to draft simple emails. And during those trips down the ADHD rabbit holes? AI is your all knowing tour guide.

However, AI is not human. It is not a friend, or a person, or a mentor.

Why is this important to keep in mind?

First of all, AI is a conglomeration of its training data, and information from the web. This data can be biased. So when you prompt AI to give you a list of, let’s say, ADHD coaches in New Jersey, you may get a list that isn’t updated, or may only be affiliated with a particular training program. This might not lead you to the best coach for you.

Also, “social sycophancy” can occur when AI is in use. Sycophancy means excessive flattery; in this case, sycophancy means AI will agree with the user, regardless of whether they are on the right path or not. According to a Stanford University study, using ChatGPT to discuss an argument can often result in advice that emphasizes that the user is correct, and that there is no need for them to apologize or patch things up with their significant other, even if the user is clearly in the wrong.

With an ADHDer there can be other factors that exacerbate the situation. ADHDers often experience uncertainty in relationships, ranging from people pleasing to feeling a heightened state of rejection. This uncertainty can cause the ADHDer to be more susceptible to AI’s sycophancy, whether they are right or wrong. Also, AI’s insistence that the ADHDer is correct can fan the flames of the argument, causing an emotionally dysregulated ADHDer to continue the argument, rather than discussing peace.

So, how can we safely and effectively use AI?

AI can be a terrific starting point when researching. For example, AI can find a list of ADHD coaches in New Jersey. After that, however, it is up to the user to follow up by speaking to coaches and finding a good fit.

As I mentioned earlier, AI is also a great tool for navigating executive function challenges. Prompting ChatGPT “I have five things to do today, can you help me to prioritize them?” is an excellent way to utilize AI. Again, it is the user’s responsibility to see if that list makes sense in the larger context of their day and life. Following AI’s recommendations blindly is giving less trust to one’s own abilities and knowledge than to ChatGPT’s. And that’s just not valid. You know yourself better than Claude does

How about using AI for advice?

One must remember that AI doesn’t feel. ChatGPT can deliver an empathetic response, but it has no empathy. Claude can tell you that you were 100% right in an argument, but really has no understanding of you, the other person, your history, your anxieties, your rejection sensitivity…none of it. In the words of Myra Cheng, a computer scientist at Stanford University, “It’s important to seek additional perspectives from real people who understand more of the context of your situation and who you are, rather than relying solely on AI responses.”

Using AI to find a variety of solutions to the problem that caused the argument is okay. Asking Claude for methods to stay calm during a heated discussion – great. But when it comes to asking AI what to do? That’s a big no.

So AI can be useful, it can be a timesaver, it can help with the mundanities of life.

But it is not your BFF.

My Emergency System

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Routines, habits, and structures are the supports that help ADHDers, and other neurodivergent folks, operate in our neurotypical world. Once we recognize that ADHD doesn’t mean you can’t pay attention (there’s that annoying name thing again), it means you have difficulty regulating focus, it’s just a few steps to “Aha! I CAN do things, I just find it hard to remember them, or stop doing interesting things to complete boring stuff. I just need some help with that piece!” And from there, reminders occur, body doubling ensues, and hopefully, productivity and self esteem rises.

But what about those cases where, despite having great systems, you just cannot get it together? What then??

First of all, don’t panic. Life is not just a linear journey. Things will happen that will upend our structures like a house of cards in a stiff wind. 

And second – have an emergency system at the ready.

You’ve heard those announcements – “This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test. If this had been an actual emergency, you would have been instructed where to tune in your area for news and official information.”  In other words, if the you-know-what has hit the fan, we can, hopefully calmly, use what we already have in our possession to address it.

My personal emergency system consists of putting specific tasks on my calendar at specific days and times, rather than just carrying them on a to-do list. I need to know that at 2pm I will be reminded to drop off a package, and at 3pm I will be vacuuming. The time aspect forces me to act.

I also know that when in emergency mode, telling myself “oh I’ll remember that” when thinking of something I need to address is a BIG FAT LIE. So, when this happens, I will note it any way I can. If I can’t get to my task management app, that’s okay –  I can write on my arms, slap a Post It note onto my computer screen, or instruct Siri to text me about it. Anything that gives Working Memory a break.

In other words, my emergency system super sizes my everyday routines and structures. Nothing fancy, nothing that requires me to learn how to use a new app in the midst of chaos.

So, when is an emergency system put into play? Here are some scenarios.

1 – When you are feeling overwhelmed by everything you need to do. This can be planning a presentation, throwing a party, moving…anything where the number of steps is too high to count.

2 – When you are not 100%. Whether you are not feeling well physically, or are dealing with emotional fall out, having some extra oomph in your task management can help you to stay on track, even under difficult circumstances.

3 – When deadlines are short, and tempers are shorter. Tasks that need to be “completed yesterday” come with their own special brand of stress. This, in turn, can have you and everyone else involved grinding their teeth and ready to pounce on the next person who looks at them wrong. Heightening our task management in easy but effective ways can help us make progress despite the pressure.

Having your own emergency system gives you a structure to lean on when you feel as if the world is on fire. So give it some thought – you want to be ready when it’s not a test, but rather, an actual emergency.

When Chaos Erupts

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Earlier this week I tripped, fell down the stairs, and fractured a bone in my ankle. I’m in a walking boot, which is way better than the crutches with which I was released from the ER.

Suddenly, everything is just a damn mess! I can’t drive, so every activity has to be recalibrated, postponed, or cancelled. I have new appointments with doctors to address the problem. And worst of all, at least for me – all of my routines are just shot.

It can be so difficult to establish routines, especially with ADHD. But once in place, routines become the anchors to our days. We feel organized and capable, which in turn leads to more organization, and more confidence. Structures and routines help to keep us from hours long rabbit hole searches, late night social media scrolling, midday naps. If I have a post lunch routine of making a cold brewed coffee and stretching, those actions send a signal to my brain that says “time to get to work.” Without the signal it’s a lot harder.

And now? My anchors are gone, and the ship is sinking!  But before I’m completely underwater, I’m trying to regroup. Here are some of the strategies I’ve discovered and leaned on in the past week:

1 – Take a small piece of your routine and try to save it. Part of my morning routine is making my bed. Looking at a messy unmade bed all day would serve as a reminder that I’m hanging on by a thread. I decided to save this part of my mornings.  So yesterday, I crawled around on my bed, getting it made. Holding onto something from your routines feels like an accomplishment (dopamine!) and will also make it easier to get back to them when the crisis is over.

2 – Find something that is a close substitute for a part of your routine you have to give up. Obviously, I can’t go running. But exercise is important for my physical and mental health. So today, I did a 30 minute seated upper body and core routine. Feeling good about doing what I can do, instead of focusing on what I can’t, and being proud of myself for taking action gave me a nice dopamine hit!. Use that ADHD creativity to find substitutions for what’s missing in your routines!

3 – Sit with your upset feelings. Whatever is driving the chaotic turn of events in your life, there will be activities that will be postponed or cancelled, people that you might not see, and possibly other disappointments. This can bring on feelings of frustration, sadness, anger – and as we know, emotional regulation is a challenge for ADHDers. However, I’m going to suggest that instead of squelching these negative emotions, we should attempt to just exist alongside them. Trying to push them away actually gives them strength and longevity. In the words of the late Dan Fogelberg, “Love if you can, cry if you have to, be who you must, that’s a part of the plan.” Did my frustration at EVERYTHING make me cry? You betcha! But that’s okay.

4 – Practice self compassion. The upside down of your life may be associated with one or some of your actions. Mistakes happen. You are human. Beating yourself up does not change the outcome. In fact, having compassion for yourself will enable you to bounce back from this downward trajectory much more quickly. Forgive yourself.

5 – Develop gratitude. Breaking my ankle, in a word, sucks. I’m no longer training for the NYC Marathon; I can’t even drive to a friend’s house. However, I am grateful for my doctor, my husband (a nurse extraordinaire!), the fact that it’s only a small fracture, and that my doctor thinks I’ll be fine by the end of the summer. All of this, big or small, is a reminder that although my day to day life is pretty messed up right now, I do have some great things and people to be thankful for. PS – if you don’t have a regular gratitude practice, think about starting one – it’s truly a game changer!

These are strategies that I’m putting in place. There may be more as the days roll on. But one thing for sure – my bed WILL be made.

The Power of “Job Talk” For Adults

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After many years of on and off cigarette smoking, I was finally able to quit for good in February 2017. At the same time, I began running, and actually ran, and finished, my first half marathon in October 2017. Running was just something I did – not that  important, except when training for a race.

Fast forward a few years, to a long overdue check up. As the nurse took my pulse, she looked puzzled. She took it again, and shaking her head, said “your pulse is so low for someone your age.” At which point, I said, “I’m a long distance runner,” and it all suddenly made sense.

Just saying those words, “I’m a long distance runner,” changed so much for me. This isn’t just something I do, it’s part of who I am. Just thinking about that, on days I want to roll over and go back to sleep instead of putting in 8 miles, gets me to push off the covers and get moving.

And when runs, or races, don’t go the way I hope, it’s easier to deal with, because ups and downs are part of being a runner. The longevity implied by being, rather than doing, allows for success and failure, along a continuum.

Many – MANY – ADHDers struggle with task initiation, procrastination, and task avoidance. While this can be attributed, in part, to weak executive functions, and can, in part, be supported by a variety of strategies, there is also the cyclical shame and anxiety associated with these challenges. We can’t get started, so our work might be late or not as solid as it could be, which causes anxiety (“What if I can’t ever get this done?” shame (“I should be able to do this, why can’t I??”). Who wants to go through that over and over? Isn’t avoidance easier? (Ultimately we know the answer to that is no, but in the moment, that avoidance of shame and guilt is all we can handle).

How about approaching tasks slightly differently?

Kristen Jacobsen CCC/SLP, and Sarah Ward CCC/SLP propose using what they call “job talk” with kids. Rather than “Write this essay,” they suggest the declarative “We are essay writers,” claiming that using this format helps to activate non-verbal working memory and procedural memory, creates structure, and limits emotional reactions. Research has also been conducted on adult responses. When comparing reactions between “being a voter” (personal identity) and “voting” (behavior),it was found that the personal-identity phrasing significantly increased interest in registering to vote.

So how do you put this into action? 

You can be very broad about this, as I was with “I am a long distance runner.” However, if starting on a specific task is alluding to you, that can be the basis of your statement. “I am a job searcher,” “I am a kitchen organizer,” “I am a proposal writer.” Does that feel different to you? Do you start to imagine what that means? Prior thinking about your role is a mental dress rehearsal, which is a very powerful tool.

So – be a job talker today. And I’ll be a long distance runner. Let’s see how far we can get.

PS – Next post – calling tasks what they really are…to us (bad language included).

Resources:

Bryan, C. J., G. M. Walton, T. Rogers, and C. S. Dweck. “Motivating Voter Turnout by Invoking the Sense of Self.” Proceedings of The National Academy of Sciences 108.31 (2011).

Kristen Jacobsen and Sarah Ward. “360 Thinking: Breakthrough Strategies to Develop Independent Executive Function Skills.” (2023).

No Summer Slide For Executive Functions!

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In the words of Alice Cooper:

School’s out for summer,

School’s out forever.

I’m bored to pieces.

Before you hear that chorus of “Mom, what should I do? I don’t have anything to do. Tell my brother/sister to stop hitting me!” or you just surrender to letting the kids go on their iPads for eight hours, here are a few fun activities that in addition to keeping your kids occupied, will give them some great executive function practice (Ssshhhh! Don’t tell them this!) Note: these activities are designed for you or another adult to do with your child, in order to keep the task structured. Over time, your child may learn to structure these activities on their own.

Planning an outing – this could be anything from a trip to the ice cream shop, to a day at the beach, to a weekend at a hotel. Starting from the end goal, determine what steps are needed to get there (for example, going to the ice cream shop requires money and transportation; you need to know when you are going, how to get there, who is going and extending invitations to those who are not part of the planning, and what kind of ice cream you would like to get). Writing the steps is great practice for planning school projects and homework! More complex outings will require more planning; perhaps divide this up if you have more than one child involved. Executive functions utilized:  planning, organization, time management, working memory, emotional control, sustained attention, goal directed persistence, flexibility.

Cooking/Baking – Following a recipe is a great way to exercise the executive functions. And bonus! Math skills! The steps are already determined, but gathering ingredients and utensils, working with a timer (if necessary), deciding how much to make (doubling or halving definitely uses math), what size serving dish or bowls are needed – all of these can help your child use their executive function muscles. And think about the self esteem boost that comes from completing something delicious! Executive functions utilized: planning, organization, time management, working memory, emotional control, sustained attention, goal directed persistence, flexibility.

Crafts – there are so many different crafts, I couldn’t begin to list them all here. Crafting involves having a vision of what you would like the end result to be, and then determining the steps and materials that are needed to get there. So for example, if your child wanted to create a painting (assuming they have paint in the house), they would first have to decide what they would like their painting to look like. Planning backwards (and again, writing the tasks down), the steps would include putting on a smock, finding paper, paints, brushes and water, spreading newspaper on the table for spills, perhaps drawing the picture first, painting, and then cleaning up. After that, they can gather the materials (discussing these first is also good planning practice) and follow the steps to create their own Mona Lisa!  Executive functions utilized: planning, organization, time management, working memory, emotional control, sustained attention, goal directed persistence, flexibility.

These are just a few examples of how your child can continue their executive function development over the summer. So next time your child is “bored to pieces,” pull out that recipe book or paintbrush, and give those executive functions some exercise!