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Category: Neurodiversity

ADHD Books That I Love!

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As promised, here is a list of some of my favorite ADHD books, just in time for Prime Days on July 11 and 12. Here we go!

Your Brain’s Not Broken – Tamara Rosier

If you are only going to buy one book from my recommendations, this would be the one I would say is a must. I have been fortunate enough to attend a few webinars held by Tamara Rosier, so I was excited to read her book-and it did not disappoint! Your Brain’s Not Broken has user-friendly explanations of ADHD brain differences, including examples. Additionally, the strategies presented, which take the emotional dysregulation ADHDers can experience fully into account, are explained so well that they can be put into action quickly and easily.

What I love about this book: I love everything about Your Brain’s Not Broken! First of all, the notion of motivation being determined by emotions is so thought provoking; it makes so much sense, but this is the first time I’m seeing it spelled out so clearly. Also, Rosier’s presentation of different clients, and her own ADHD, makes this book so relatable. I couldn’t put it down! https://amzn.to/3NF0YzH

ADHD 2.0 – Edward M. Hallowell and John J. Ratey

Dr. Hallowell could be called one of the Grand Poobahs of ADHD research, treatment, and writing. ADHD 2.0 is an update to Hallowell’s original book, Driven to Distraction, which was (and still is) the ADHD bible. ADHD 2.0, in addition to explaining the brain science behind ADHD, also discusses different ways to enable ADHDers to thrive (such as exercise and connecting with others).

What I love about this book:  Dr. Hallowell’s approach is strengths based, meaning that rather than focus on what one has difficulty with, ADHDers are encouraged to lean on what they are great at. Dr. Hallowell is such a positive force in ADHD treatment, and that shines through in ADHD 2.0. https://amzn.to/44EculN

how to keep house while drowning – KC Davis

This book, and the YouTube and TikTok videos that KC Davis has created, are legendary among ADHDers. Ms. Davis has developed Struggle Care, a very basic plan for keeping your house in some form of order, based on the (very true) concept that having a messy house is not a moral failure, it is simply a functional challenge. how to keep house while drowning has suggestions for housekeeping that take into account ADHD, depression, anxiety, postpartum…basically, life. You can use the 31 day plan that is presented, or just read through and choose what you’d like to work on.

What I love about this book:  Throughout how to keep house while drowning, one feels like you are sitting and schmoozing with a friend who is telling you that it’s all going to be okay, and that you’re being too hard on yourself. It’s a comforting little booklet. https://amzn.to/46EJfAY

Smart But Scattered – Peg Dawson and Richard Guare

Smart But Scattered is a great book for parents who are looking for practical advice on how to help their ADHD child work with their challenged executive functions. There is a terrific explanation of what the executive functions are, with examples. A section on general strategies to employ when dealing with your child follows. Finally, there are suggestions (with implementation plans) and examples relating to a variety of issues that any ADHD parent will recognize.

What I love about this book: The approach that is presented in Smart But Scattered towards working with your ADHD child is on point. Dawson and Guare tell parents to “modify tasks to match your child’s capacity to exert effort,” and “begin by changing things outside the child before…strategies that require the child to change.” In other words, work with your child, not against them. Doesn’t sound terribly profound…but it is. https://amzn.to/3O4zUuR

All Dogs Have ADHD – Kathy Hoopmann

All Dogs Have ADHD is a picture book full of dogs doing, well, dog things. But what makes this book special is that the pictures tell the story of ADHD. So, a dog jumping into a lake is “diving straight into a situation without thinking about the consequences.” You get the idea. This book is great for kids who have ADHD, and also those who don’t, but spend time around ADHDers. The photographs are beautiful, and the pups are adorable.

What I love about this book: Parents often want to sugarcoat for their kids. All Dogs Have ADHD doesn’t do that-while the book does end on a very positive note, the positives and negatives are given equal time. Also…dogs. Need I say more?? (PS-there is a companion book, All Cats Are On The Autism Spectrum) https://amzn.to/46RhntE

I could go on and on..but I’ll save some of my faves for another post down the road. Happy Reading!!

Disclosure: I am an Amazon associate, and have an affiliate relationship with Amazon.

Must Have Products for ADHDers!

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With Prime Day just around the corner (July 11 and 12), I thought I’d share my favorite products and books for ADHDers! This week – all the things.

Mr. Pen Highlighters

Why highlighters for ADHDers? Several reasons. First, it might be a way to fidget/let out energy. Second, color makes everything more fun, which in turn can give us that dopamine boost we crave. Using highlighters as a study tool to sort text, or when going through your to-do list and calendar, can help to keep you focused. https://amzn.to/435x2m2

Textured Tactile Adhesive Sensory Strips

These strips are about the size of a band-aid, and can stick to the underside of a desk, a phone case-wherever you want. They are very soothing to rub, and can satisfy that fidget urge when you are stuck on a Zoom call and you can’t get up and pace around. https://amzn.to/3r8JGDm

The Time Timer

ADHDers struggle with “time blindness,” which means that telling your child “be ready in 15 minutes” is bound to end in frustration for both of you. Enter the Time Timer, which shows time passing-the smaller the red slice, the less time is left. Get the 60 minute version, to have more flexibility. The Time Timer comes in many different colors-I just happen to like this tie dye model.  https://amzn.to/3XuD12x

Mr. Pen Dry Erase Pocket Sleeves

I learned about these when I was teaching. These pocket sleeves are great for morning/evening routines, checklists, chore lists – anything that requires the same steps each time. Make the list, pop it into the pocket, and use a dry erase marker to check off items. No need to rewrite the list!  https://amzn.to/3CStJng

Post-it Notes!

I use Post-It notes for so many things. One use that I have found to be super helpful is to jot down anything that pops into my head, and stick it to the counter, desk, sink…wherever I am. I can add it to my calendar or Todoist app later on, but using Post-Its for those sneaky little things that you remember in the middle of the action keeps you from then forgetting they exist. Perfect for the ADHD working memory challenge!  https://amzn.to/3pt7f9p

hOmelabs Sunrise Clock

Getting your ADHD kiddo out of bed in the morning can be a real challenge. Research has shown that the use of sunrise alarm clocks, also known as dawn simulation clocks, can improve sleep quality, as well as make waking up a more natural process. This particular clock also has the ability to have nature sounds play during the “sunrise,” and has a simulated sunset as well. The colored lights are always fun for the kiddos!  https://amzn.to/3rbmGUp

Uppower Essential Oil Diffuser

Radha Lavender Essential Oil

Speaking of sleeping, I swear by this diffuser and lavender essential oil. All it takes is one deep inhale and I am halfway to Slumber Town. Lavender is known to be calming, so breathing it in during the night keeps me soothed, and asleep. The diffuser has different color settings, so it can double as a night light; it also can be set on intermittent or full blast.  https://amzn.to/3pw5wQO  https://amzn.to/435x2m2

Next week…the best of ADHD books and movies. Happy Shopping!

Disclosure: I am an Amazon associate, and have an affiliate relationship with Amazon.

Try These Ideas To Work On Your Child’s Executive Functions This Summer!

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Over the last few weeks, I’ve heard from lots of parents who, upon reaching the end of the school year, want to see a different experience for their child-and for themselves-next year.

And chances are, they would like to see their child improve their executive functions.

The executive functions-there are several, although different researchers have different ideas on how many-are the parts of the brain that allow intentions to turn into actions. They can be divided into the “thinking functions,” such as time management and organization, and the “doing functions,” including task initiation and emotional control.

In ADHDers, the executive functions are impaired (although not necessarily all of them, or to the same degree). Additionally, research has shown that ADHD kiddos can be 2-3 years behind their neurotypical peers developmentally, which translates into a lag in the development of the executive functions.

Simply put, when it comes to the executive functions, your ADHD child struggles.

And not only does your kid feel that they are behind, or panic not knowing where or how to start their assignment, they also have to deal with the many-and I mean many-negative messages they get from teachers, coaches, other kids, siblings, and relatives, about their inability to just DO THE THING.

As a parent, I’ll raise my hand here, and say that I, too, said things like “You’re so much smarter than this,” or “Why do I have to tell you a million times??”

It can be downright upsetting.

But, there are ways to both help strengthen those pesky executive functions, and/or to accustom your child to various strategies that can support his weaker skills. And you don’t have to wait for homework or book reports! Here are a few:

1 – Assign chores.  Being given household jobs is a great way for your child  to feel that you trust them to be responsible, and that they are contributing to the upkeep of your home. However, for our ADHD friends, chores should be structured in a particular way. 

  • Saying “clean your room” really isn’t specific enough. Break the chore down to smaller tasks, and depending on your child’s age, consider giving them responsibility for some of the subtasks first, rather than the whole thing. 
  • Also, how often do you think this should take place? It is better to have small daily tasks than one large weekly job.
  • Set a time of day to accomplish these tasks, with an alarm (not you) announcing the time. This should take place BEFORE fun activities that are tough to pull away from.
  • Use this time to do a chore or two yourself. This is called “body doubling,” and seeing you also working can keep your child on track. 
  • Finally, profusely thank your child for helping with the household responsibilities. Consider rewards (small things, like a trip to the ice cream parlor, or a slurpee)-we all get paid for our jobs, why shouldn’t your child??

2 – Work together to plan a trip or outing. Deciding on a place to go, and then working together to identify, prioritize, and execute different tasks is a great way to not only practice using executive function skills, but to enable you and your child to see where the gaps are, and what kind of support might be helpful. For example, if one of the tasks is to map out the trip on Google Maps, and your child has forgotten to do it, setting a reminder might help-and might stick in your child’s brain as a way to remember tasks.

3 – Keep a family calendar. Time blindness is very common for ADHDers (kids and adults). Putting events and responsibilities on a calendar makes it easier for your ADHD kiddo to see time. It will also help with transitions, as the events of the day are readily available.

4 – Allow for unstructured time – WITHOUT electronics. When your child has free time to play ball, read, draw, run around the woods-whatever they like to do-they are flexing their executive function muscles. Putting together Legos takes attention, organization, working memory, and emotional control. Pretending requires flexibility, attention, and non-verbal working memory. And the best thing about play is that, for the most part, you are not involved. They are strengthening their EF skills, and having fun, all on their own.

5 – Play board games. Family board game nights are so much fun! And without even realizing it, your child will be getting executive function training. Following directions, waiting their turn, developing a game plan-all of these involve the executive functions. And it’s such a wonderful way to spend time together.

This is just a sampling of activities that will help your child to put their executive functions to work, and learn what kind of support is helpful, all at a low pressure time of year. Give one or two a try!

Why You Need Boundaries, And How To Keep Them 

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Everyone has been there…your best friend/sister/uncle needs a ride to the airport, which is about 1 hour away. They need said ride on a Thursday afternoon, somewhere in the rush hour zone, during the time of day that you might have to cart a kid to soccer, or attend a business meeting. Or, heaven forbid, have a few minutes to yourself.

Yet, although this scenario screams “SAY NO!!” we don’t. We suck it up, we move our meeting, and polish our halos with the fabric of our resentment. We have no one to blame but ourselves, however; we are the ones who forgot to have boundaries.

There are those that equate boundaries with selfishness. This, however, is incorrect. In geography, a boundary is something that separates one place from another. Many people mark these boundaries with shrubs, or a fence. And no one says “ooh look they’re so selfish to put a fence around their property.” It’s their house/land/kingdom, and what anyone else thinks is simply not important.

Having boundaries simply means that we consider ourselves and our needs important, and that we honor this when deciding how to spend our time and energy.

For ADHDers, boundaries can be even more crucial than for NT folks.But they also can be harder to keep intact.

Because ADHDers can have difficulties with time management and organization, if we don’t have strong boundaries, we will often commit to things that we just can’t get to-and might not even realize that until it’s too late. However, it can be more difficult for ADHDers to uphold boundaries because many ADHDers are people pleasers, due to hearing negativity day after day after day. So those boundaries can often be ignored, in the pursuit of feeling valued by others.

So, what is an ADHDer to do? Start by building a metaphorical fence. Or a moat, if you’re into that royalty thing.

First determine what you would like your boundaries to be. Do you want to have weekends free from work obligations? Is having dinner as a family a priority for you? What activities are important to you, professionally or personally? No boundary is silly, or selfish. 

Once you’ve decided where you’d like your boundaries to be, that is where you put down your imaginary stakes. On one side is you and how you’d like your life to look. On the other-everyone and everything that is vying for your time and attention. 

This is where it gets tricky-where buttressing the fence with the concept of valuing yourself and your needs comes in. Not a strong suit for people pleasers.

It’s so easy to say “oh, I can skip the gym this once” or “it’s okay if I work an occasional Saturday.” And there will be times that warrant bending the rules a bit-an emergency, a situation that really speaks to you. But if that’s not the case, you need to remember this one thing:

I PUT A FENCE HERE FOR A REASON THAT MATTERS TO ME, AND I’M NOT TAKING IT DOWN.

What can help you remember this? Visual aids?A large picture of a white picket fence above your desk? A quote on your phone’s wallpaper? A coach or friend/family member reminding you? Leaning on a strategy here is a great idea!

Another area that bears discussion relates to HOW we speak of our boundaries.  We all like to make others happy; no way do we want to make anyone angry. Telling people “No thanks, I’d rather stay home tonight with my cat than go out with you,” or “I was away for the weekend, so I didn’t check my email,” can cause at least a mild amount of hysteria. Sometimes more than a mild amount.

So practicing phrases like “I wish I could, but I’m busy,” or “I’ve got a lot going on right now,” or even “I’m just overwhelmed already, I can’t add another thing to my plate,” can help to keep the fence in place and steady, without anyone getting all worked up about it. And without you having to defend your choices, which is also a slippery slope for those of us who can feel that we don’t deserve to make choices.

You may feel like these sentences are lies, that you are being disingenuous by saying them. In fact, they are the truth. Because being busy or having a lot going on does not mean “except for things I want to do.” Those activities are just as important as tasks imposed upon you at work, or by family.

So build that fence. And start using it. It gets easier with time, and practice.

Strategies To Lean On During The Stimulant Shortage

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If you have not been hit by the shortages of stimulant medication, consider yourself lucky. Maybe even blessed.

On various forums and FB groups, I’m seeing posts from people who haven’t had their medication in weeks, or months. People calling around to different pharmacies, and in doing so, feeling like (and sometimes being treated like) a drug seeker. 

And no one knows when this will end.

While some ADHDers have switched medications to one that is, at least currently, not in short supply, that doesn’t work for everyone. Some medications just aren’t the right medication for everyone; add to that the insurance barrier, and you have people who are truly not living their best lives right now-and even worse than that.

Here are some strategies that, while totally not replacing your medication, can mitigate some of the loss in focus, regulation, and organization that you might be feeling.

1 – Recognize that your life is being impacted. Because of society’s often dismissive attitude towards ADHD, it’s easy to fall into the “I shouldn’t need this medication to function anyway.” ADHD is a result of neurological and brain chemistry differences that cause issues with task management, time management, attention, and emotional regulation. It is not a choice. These challenges are mitigated by medication, just like vision issues are mitigated by glasses.

2 – Lean hard on lists, calendars, Post It notes, reminders. Even if these have not worked in the past, at this point they are what you have. If you need to write a giant list of your morning routine to post on your bathroom mirror, do it. If you need Alexa to ping you every 10 minutes to make sure you’re on task, do it. Using a calendar, task management system, and bullet journal? That’s fine. What might seem like overkill when you’re medicated is actually a failsafe system during this emergency.

3 – Automate as much as you can. This is actually a great strategy even when you can get your medication. Auto refill on meds (yours, family, pets), auto pay on bills, anything that can become something that you don’t have to remember is a good thing.

4 – Make sure you are getting the right food and sleep. Having protein at breakfast is crucial! It’s brain food! Your ADHD brain might crave sugar, but that will cause a crash that you will have a hard time bouncing back from without your meds. Also, getting the right amount of sleep for you is super important. You might have a difficult time falling asleep; think about what might help you to have more success (sleep routine, putting screens away earlier, reading before bed…just a few suggestions!)

5 – Exercise! Studies have shown that exercise is an important part of an ADHD treatment plan, whether medication is involved or not. Going for a walk, jumping jacks, yoga, a YouTube exercise video, dancing to music in your kitchen-anything that gets you moving is going to provide dopamine to your system. I cannot stress enough how important this is.

6 – Try body doubling. Body doubling is working on something while someone else is also working. You do not need to interact, or be working on the same project or assignment. For example, I can be paying my bills, while you fold the laundry. This strategy is very effective in eliminating procrastination and increasing on-task behavior. If you don’t have someone you can body double with, you can use a body doubling website (Focusmate.com is a good one), and be set up with someone with whom to work in tandem.

7 – Lean on your support system shamelessly. If you have an understanding spouse, parent, friend, ask them if they can help you out during this crisis. They might be able to insert some accountability into your task plan (a text asking if you’ve done something), to help keep you on track (and If you don’t have an understanding person in your life, well, that’s a topic for another blog post).

8 – Realize that you will not be able to attend to everything at the same level as you did while you were medicated. Decide where your focus should be. If it’s work, then let the housecleaning slide. If it’s taking care of your kids, then maybe order in for a while instead of meal prepping. In other words, expend your energy wisely.

9 – Be extra cautious while driving. Research shows that adults with ADHD are more likely to have car accidents than adults without ADHD. While stimulant medication can mitigate some of the danger, when you can’t get your meds, you are at risk. Take a breath before you start the car to get centered. Put your phone in the trunk. Shut off the radio. If you have a passenger and their conversation is distracting you, ask them to stop talking-I think they’ll be less offended if you tell them it could save their lives.

10 – Keep up with your appointments with mental health professionals, and let them know if you are struggling. You might be able to try a different medication. Your therapist might be able to give you some ideas for dealing with the anxiety that this can cause. 

It can be very discouraging and frustrating to be unable to get your medication, something that enables you to live your best life. You might feel sad, angry, scared-these are all valid feelings when you don’t feel like you are in control. Don’t let anyone tell you that “it’s no big deal.” It IS a big deal-but by adopting some of the strategies above, you may be able to move through this crisis with a little more ease.

How Accountability Partners Help, And Why It’s Not Nagging

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According to research studies, publicly committing to your goals translates into a 65% chance of completing them. But, if you want real firepower, having an accountability partner increases that to 95%.

A 95% chance of meeting your goals? That’s almost a sure thing! What is this magical accountability partner of whom you speak??

An accountability partner is a specific person with whom you share your tasks and goals, and then to whom you report back your progress. Some people have accountability buddies that are attempting to work towards the same benchmarks, or on the same events; for example, if two people are training for a marathon, they can have a common plan, and keep each other motivated. 

It is important to note, however, that accountability partners do not have to be involved in the same activity. I often act as an accountability partner to my clients, and if they are training for a marathon….well, that’s not happening on my side of the fence!

Why does this work? And what makes this different than having someone just nag you to do something until you do it?

People tend to perform differently when they are being observed (think about when your boss is walking around, or when company is coming over and you’re frantically cleaning). So if there is someone that is going to be cognizant of whether or not you complete what you’ve committed to, there is a greater chance that you will stick with it. And if it’s more personal – for example, telling one friend that will follow up with you, versus the ubiquitous Facebook announcement – the odds that you will really work towards meeting that challenge grow astronomically.

But how does this differ from having your husband, wife, mom, etc, call you up and say “Did you get your oil changed?” And when you say no, they ask “Well, why not? You know that’s going to ruin your car! And then…”

Because an accountability partner has no skin in the game. They will simply ask you “Did you get your oil changed?” And when you say no, they say…nothing. Or they say “do you have a plan for that?”

So accountability partners live in a judgment-free zone. There’s no nagging. If you accomplished your goal, high five! If you didn’t, they don’t want to know why not. It’s your problem to solve.

What can work really well is to have a reciprocal accountability buddy arrangement. So, you ask me about my oil change, and I’ll ask you if you’ve gotten the dog her shots. Again, no nagging, but it’s nice to have a level playing field. And both partners benefit!

I’ve tried out accountability partners this family members on a reciprocal basis – meaning I have someone I’m accountable to as well. Let me tell you, when I know that on Friday afternoon I’m going to have to report to my buddy about my progress, I am WAY more likely to actually have made some! 

So, give accountability buddies a try! See how it feels..and watch that productivity skyrocket!

Why A Coach Might Recommend Therapy

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Recently, I was invited to present to a group of therapists on ADHD coaching. The goal of the presentation was to introduce coaching to the therapists, describe the benefits, including the evidence to support the success of coaching as an intervention, and to delineate the differences, and crossover, between ADHD coaching and therapy.

I receive inquiries from potential clients that are hoping that coaching will help them to address their challenges related to ADHD; that is my hope as well. But sometimes, these potential clients are not “available for coaching.” And therapy, either while in coaching or prior to starting, would l enable them to move forward.

Having ADHD can cause one to doubt one’s abilities, sanity, and value. It can ramp up anxiety; it can, when challenges become too great, cause the ADHDer to sink into depression. 

While it would seem that addressing ADHD challenges would cause ones mood to lift, anxiety to lessen, and self esteem to rise, the past is still there. The feelings of being “less than” might dissipate; but having had those feelings before coaching can still get in the way, because they are ready to jump up when something doesn’t work.

For example, let’s say one of the strategies that a client and I discuss as a possibility is having a morning routine that includes taking time to eat breakfast, while sitting at a table with actual silverware and plates (by the way, a great way to start the day!). So, my client tries this out, finds they look forward to it, and so are more apt to get up on time. A win!

Until the day they oversleep.

And then, there is no time for this luxurious breakfast. There’s barely time to shower. And the entire time, the messages of the past pop up, sometimes in the voices of parents or teachers, ready to destroy the client’s self esteem and good feelings.

Now if this happens once in a while, it can be addressed in a coaching session. But if the client is struggling, these events of the past, and the subsequent emotions they evoke, can really get in the way.

Potential clients sometimes want the shortcut (really, who doesn’t?) They want the answer to how to deal, without addressing what has been before. However, shortcuts that ignore how a client shows up for support don’t work. And any responsible coach will tell you that.

Therapy addresses your past. Therapists help clients to explore what happened, how it impacted one’s emotions and self-talk, and how to deal with those pesky messages in the future. And when clients have dealt with their past, coaches are there-ready to walk side by side with clients, into the future.

What’s The Deal With Gratitude Journals?

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I’m not sure how many of you are from the New York City area, or have been there, or have just seen it on television. However, I think it’s fair to say that most people, when they think of New Yorkers, think of tough, unfiltered, often rude people, who do not tolerate B.S. ever.

Not only am I a born and raised New Yorker-I’m from Brooklyn. Telling this fact to my former students on Day One of school prompted good behavior for at least a few days.

So when Oprah started talking about gratitude journals, and stopping to notice the birds and flowers, I thought that the idea was ridiculous. “Who has time for that?” I thought. “Sure, I’m grateful for a lot of things and people in my life, but can’t I just be grateful and not make a big deal out of it? I know that I’m grateful, no one needs to tell me how to do it.” 

And there’s no way I needed another item on that to-do list, right?? It’s overflowing as it is.

Of course, as with most things, Oprah actually had it right. Especially for someone like me.

You see, having that tough Brooklyn persona requires keeping your feelings hidden-with the possible exception of anger. The whole premise of being a New Yorker is being unflappable. Add ADHD into the mix, and there can be the guilt and shame associated with missing deadlines, etc.-being tucked away where no one can see.

However, being that stoic, unaffected human doesn’t just keep you from getting carried away when something bad happens. It also prevents you from getting pumped up about the good, particularly the little things that can go unnoticed. In fact, not only can you miss acknowledging them-it might, in fact, be uncool to do so. Who stops their day to note their gratitude for the technology that lets you pay your bills online, and therefore on time?

Well…now I do.

I don’t know what possessed me to start my gratitude journal-I think I was given a really nice notebook, and wanted to use it. I try to take note of the small things-my dog’s soft ears, talking to my kids, having a productive day.

Having this become a habit has trained me to notice things I’m grateful for during the day, so I have something to write about. I consistently notice the good things in my life, which in turn lifts my mood.

When one is dealing with ADHD, finding that little kernel of happiness in a day can sometimes be the key to persevering. To saying, “Okay, I paid that bill late. But I’m not a loser. I’m grateful that I only paid it two days late, and that I’m smart enough to find a strategy to help with this.”

Plus anything that helps one focus on something is always a good exercise for ADHDers.

Neurodiversity, From The Inside

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In honor of Back To School, today’s blog post was actually written by my son. It was his Diversity Statement for his law school applications, written seven years ago (he has since attended law school and become an attorney). 

While I know it’s impossible for me to be objective, this essay is one of the most poignant pieces of writing I’ve read about ADHD. On the one hand, it hurts my heart to think about my son, a little boy, struggling with feeling so different, and being made to feel just…wrong. But on the other hand, I am so proud of him, of the person he is (and was all along), of how he has battled the struggles of ADHD, and continues to persevere. He is one of my heroes, and I feel blessed and lucky to be his mom.

Scattered among my old papers and school supplies are dozens of painstakingly crafted childhood dalliances–trail maps of fictional ski resorts drawn in my free time, hundreds of loose-leaf pages of notes and classwork from my academic career, the words therein corralled by extensive marginalia and doodles– reminders of the all the time I spent in my own little world.

Since my preschool days of apathetically watching my classmates entertain themselves by scouring the floor together collecting staples, I knew that I had a talent for getting enthralled in my own thoughts at the expense of the outside world.  When my kindergarten teacher excoriated me for being “rude little boy” and spacing out during math, or when my ninth grade history teacher scolded me daily for asking questions that had already been answered, I wondered why my peers had no trouble focusing in class, relating to others, or being “normal.”

Finally, I discovered the name of my affliction; ADHD.  But I was surprised to learn that this was more than just a daunting obstacle.  Certainly I would need to offset my focus problems with color-coded school binders, and by ensuring that my homework was complete before watching TV–and I have continued to employ similar strategies to this day.   My doodling habit, far from distracting my easily-misled mind, has become a means of stimulating creative thinking and focusing my scattershot thoughts on the task at hand.  Yet I have also found that ADHD causes me to selectively and intensely get absorbed in the things that actually interest me.

This “hyperfocus,” a component of ADHD, gives me the opportunity to turn things over in my mind in a unique way, and  has caused me to develop a unique perspective. So whether I was telling my friends about the Loch Ness monster in third grade, or finding nuances in situations for use in my sketch comedy class, I can draw conclusions that others might not, and use these seemingly quirky observations as a bridge to others, instead of the wall it once was. 

Making Habits Stick

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Many of us, whether neurodiverse or neurotypical, have difficulty making habits stick. We can have great reasons for these habits, they can improve our lives in ways big and small, but still – we just can’t get it done.

For example, I would really like to get in the habit of cleaning up my kitchen every evening. Sure, we do the basics – dishes, table cleared, food put away – but what I’m after is wiping down the counters, stove, and table, and sweeping the floor, every single day. I have great reasons for this – it’ll make weekly cleaning so much easier, the kitchen will always be clean and ready for food preparation, it’ll be nice to come in for my morning coffee and see a neat, clean room.

But somehow, nighttime comes, and although cleaning up the kitchen would take me about 5 minutes, it is impossible for me to get myself to stand up and do it. 

What am I doing wrong??

While reading B.J. Fogg’s book, “Tiny Habits,” I discovered my mistake. It’s all in the timing.

I think many of us try to complete whatever behavior we are trying to make habitual before doing something we would actually like to do. The logic is that if I can’t do what I want to do until I do what I should do, I’ll be more apt to just get the habitual behavior done. So, in my example, I try to clean up before sitting down to watch Jeopardy! In the evening.

This, my friends, does not work. 

All this does is bring out the 10 year old in all of us, who says “You’re not the boss of me! I’m going to go watch Jeopardy! And I’ll clean up later on!”

Except…we don’t. We get comfy on the couch, and before you know it, it’s bedtime, and no cleaning is coming between me and my pillows.

According to Fogg, founder of the Behavior Design Lab at Stanford University, the inclination to hook two behaviors together is correct. But we need to pair the new habit with something we already do – and take on the new behavior after one we already engage in.

So, taking my example further, I thought about my evenings, and realized that I make myself a cup of tea almost every night. I get up, go into the kitchen, prep my teacup, and put it into the microwave for a little over a minute.

Following Fogg’s instructions, I found a step in my tea-making that I could place something after – in my case, turning on the microwave. Once I heard the microwave start, that was my signal to grab my sponge and start to clean.

And you know what? This worked! And I didn’t feel resentful, or annoyed. I felt accomplished.

Is there something you know you’d like to make a habit, but have been struggling to do so? Try using the “after ____________, I will do _____________” method from BJ Fogg.

Who knows? Maybe after making a habit stick, you will start a new habit based on that one. And on, and on, and on….