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Self Compassion – A Magic Wand for ADHD Challenges

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Clients come to me wanting relief – from being late for work or school, not paying bills on time, missing an important deadline or a loved one’s birthday, and the guilt and shame they feel from it all. They ask for strategies and hacks, hoping that I will provide the one technique that will be life changing.

I don’t have all of the answers. But I do have one “magic wand” for my clients, and for you.

It’s self-compassion. Treating ourselves with the same kindness we would use for a close friend – especially when we mess up. Self compassion aids in dealing with ADHD challenges.

When I ask clients to tell me what happens internally when they forget to feed the dog, it is a torrent of critical verbal vomit, both about this particular inaction, and their worth in general. “I’m a horrible person, the poor dog was starving.” “I don’t deserve to have a pet.” “What is wrong with me??”

And many ADHDers are afraid to let go of this narrative, because they feel it is the only way they will ever become “better.” That this self criticism will serve as motivation to change.

How’s that working out for you?

That criticism, that shame and guilt, will not help you to remember to feed the dog next time. In fact, it will have the opposite effect. Research tells us that all of the stress you are feeling due to the critical way you are talking to yourself, about YOU, makes feeding the dog something to avoid – because you don’t want to feel this way again. So actually, it’s the opposite of motivating.

However, exercising self compassion allows ADHDers to let themselves off the hook. Which makes it a lot easier to try again. Motivating.

So, how does an ADHDer who has been hearing from others, and from themselves, that they are lazy, incompetent, unreliable people, develop self compassion? How is it possible to cut down on the negative messages that are the background music of every single day?

First, we need to get a more detailed definition of what self compassion actually is. According to Dr. Kristen Neff, self compassion has three parts: self kindness, shared humanity, and mindfulness. So, treating yourself as you would treat a dear friend, recognizing that no one is perfect, and that everyone on this planet makes mistakes, and having awareness of what you are telling yourself, so that you can change this negative diatribe, rather than becoming consumed by it.

Second, we also need to understand what self compassion isn’t. It’s not thinking “everyone else is wrong, and I’m right” or “so I didn’t feed the dog, who cares? The dog doesn’t need to be fed all the time anyway.” It’s not about denying responsibility.

When you mess up, you’re still responsible. It’s just that it’s not unforgivable, or a sign of a flawed character. So you can own your mistake, because it’s just that – a mistake. Not the end of the world! Quite a different message than your inner critic is feeding you, no?

Using our dog example, taking responsibility would be “Darn it, I forgot to feed the dog again!” Being mindful would help us to stay aware of the messages we are giving ourselves in this moment, and letting the negative narrative go. Then kindness and shared humanity would kick in: “I feel badly that I forgot to feed the dog. I got busy and lost track of time. Typical ADHD! But It doesn’t mean I’m a bad pet parent, I love our dog! Sometimes people forget things. I’m doing the best I can.” 

One additional part I like to add in is the “and” statement. This gives you a chance to try to improve the situation. So, in our dog scenario, it would sound something like this: “And I’ll feed her right now, and try setting an alarm to help remind me next time.” Your energy isn’t drained by inner criticism, so you can use it to address the actual issue.

Not easy, I know. Breaking a years – or sometimes decades – long habit of being the villain in your own story can be incredibly difficult. But it is 100% worth it. Research has shown that developing self compassion can absolutely be life altering. That calm verbal hug that you are giving to yourself can help you to feel safe, and secure in the knowledge that if you mess up, it’s okay.

PS – For some strategies for making self compassion, rather than self condemnation, your go to, click here! https://digioh.com/em/33248/200780/evndrbqfty?demail=(email)

 

Spending Control the ADHD Friendly Way, Part 2!

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In my last blog post, I talked about doing some detective work to find your particular spending patterns. This would help you to develop spending control strategies that match up.

But, what if, despite your best efforts, you find it almost painful to give up the dopamine charge one gets from shopping? Suppose you are having a really hard time controlling your spending?

First, and probably most important – self compassion. No shame, no guilt! You are not bad, or selfish, or irresponsible. You are, in fact, dealing with a neurological difference that causes you to be motivated by what interests you (yup, that’s ADHD). Giving up that immediate dopamine hit is HARD! So give yourself kudos for trying, not thumbs downs for failing. 

Plus evidence shows us that exercising self compassion actually helps us to accomplish our goals faster than being negative towards ourselves. Makes sense, when you think about it – who would want to pursue a goal that results in feeling badly about ourselves?

Second, it can be helpful to put some small, one size fits all strategies in place to get things moving.  Here are some tiny tweaks you can make to get the spending control ball rolling in an ADHD compassionate way:

  • Make a list of small things to buy that can make you happy – Can buying a new nail polish color scratch the itch of wanting to shop? I know I can go to any Staples and feel joy by purchasing new Post-Its. The idea is to own your dopamine chasing, but keep a lid on how much you spend to do so.
  • Secondhand/thrift store, Free Cycle – My daughter-in-law is the queen of Goodwill shopping. She can spend hours looking for deals, and always walks out of the store with a designer outfit that costs her next to nothing. The thrill of the hunt! Also, if you have a Free Cycle in your town, it is a great way to “shop,” with all merchandise costing zero. Free dopamine!
  • Make controlling spending fun! – Partner up with a friend, for accountability and cheerleading. Tally up all of the times you DON’T buy something. Make up a rap or poem to remind you of your non-spending goal. Getting that dopamine in other ways!
  • Unsubscribe from shopping emails – this is SO effective! If you need something, you will be able to get it, without the help of the thrice daily emails. And I get that little dopamine push every time I see “you are now unsubscribed.” Win/win!

All of the above strategies can work for pretty much anyone. Remember, though, that the most effective way to control spending is to understand the B and the E in B.E.A.S.T. – background and emotions. Armed with that information, you will be unstoppable!

PS – Want a copy of my “Strategies To Control Spending?” You can find it here, free! http://digioh.com/em/33248/200557/j9j2ny23pd

Spending Control the ADHD Friendly Way!

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Gas prices are skyrocketing. Actually all prices are climbing. And with that, our spending is rising daily.

We know we should “tighten our belts” (btw, I hate that expression – tightening your belt sounds so uncomfortable), But, what do we do if ADHD makes it so, so difficult to gain control of our money? And how do we deal with the guilt, shame, and fear that we feel when we can’t do so?

Let’s first briefly discuss WHY ADHDers have trouble controlling spending. First, buying things can make us happy. It can be a high dopamine activity, which, since ADHDers have low dopamine levels, is something we might seek out. Until the guilt kicks in. But then, we may double down to feel good again – retail therapy, am I right? This treadmill, which I call the ADHD Spending Cycle, can be difficult to jump off of.

Add in the impulsivity of ADHD, which causes action before reflection. Now we have a killer recipe for overspending, feeling out of control, getting into hot water with credit card companies and the IRS…the list goes on and on.

So…what do we do?? How can ADHDers successfully get a grip on spending??

Usually, when using my B.E.A.S.T. Method of ADHD Friendly Financial Control, I would start with the B – background. However, I’d like us to gain some traction during this chaotic time. I’m going to suggest we jump to the E and A – emotions and actions/avoidance.

It’s time for you to be a detective.

For the next five days, take note of your spending, in terms of what you are doing, and how you are feeling. So, for example, last night I was scrolling the internet, and almost bought a new pair of pants. I was feeling excited to buy them for a trip I’m taking, but also was bored while watching TV. And I was lying around while doing it.

The more we can learn about what we are doing and feeling while spending, the more easily we can see patterns. This helps us to develop better strategies to counteract our actions.

So, in the example above, maybe I should be doing my crocheting while watching TV, instead of looking for things to buy. Also, making a list of what I need for my trip can guide me as to whether I actually need something new.

See how that works? 

Also, I can use a few other strategies – ones that you might find useful, and can put into practice right now:

  • Build in a way to change your mind – Leave items in the cart for 48 hours; leave tags on so items can be returned easily.
  • Find other ways to curate items – Make an Amazon list; Pinterest; bookmarks.
  • Budget a small amount for discretionary spending – In other words, scratch that itch, but in a controlled way.

There are countless other ways to get a grip on spending, but their effectiveness relies on knowing what is driving it. 

You may feel embarrassed, or fearful, when studying yourself. So I’m going to flip the script on this. You can feel PROUD that you are working on your spending patterns. And knowing the enemy, whether it’s impulsivity or dopamine chasing, makes you MORE POWERFUL.

You can do this! More strategies next time!!

PS – Here is a link to a spreadsheet to help you take note of your spending, actions, and emotions, including an example!  https://digioh.com/em/33248/200393/47wv8xr54d?demail=(email)