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Category: Children

Perfectly Imperfect

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“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”

― John Steinbeck, East of Eden

When I first saw this quote from one of my favorite authors, it really hit me between the eyes. I’m sure there are many interpretations of it, but to me, it meant that now that so much energy and worry and thought didn’t have to go into perfection, one could actually just be good enough. And that’s okay.

Many ADHDers struggle with perfectionism-something that those who don’t have a personal knowledge of ADHD probably find counterintuitive. How could anyone who can’t/won’t/doesn’t pay attention/do things on time/stay organized actually care about being perfect??

But in reality, all of those years of mistakes, and late assignments, and impulsive actions can add up to a lot of fear and anxiety that is expressed as perfectionism.

This tendency can lead to procrastination, feelings of failure that then cycle into more perfectionism, and just a general lack of motivation and positivity. Because if your standard is that you must be perfect, who wouldn’t dread attempting a task??

In other words, perfectionism is bad for your health, mental and otherwise.

So, how to break that pattern? Here are some ideas:

1 – Develop Mantras – “Done is better than perfect” or “Good enough is good enough” are two ideas. Practice repeating these to yourself; also pop them on a Post-It on your laptop or desk, and other places you can see it.

2 – Use a timer – For tasks that should be simple to complete (writing an email, wrapping a gift) determine how much time it should take (perhaps time it once before using this strategy), and set a timer. When the timer goes off, it’s time to stop.

3 – Keep a “done” list – keeping a list of what you were able to accomplish makes you feel good. Bonus points for things that were complete, but they weren’t 100% perfect.

4 – Name your Perfectionism – find a shorthand way to name your perfectionism, so that you can easily become aware of being held hostage by it. Awareness is the first step to change! It’s also fun to say “Shut up, Penelope Perfect” when you’re hearing that voice in your brain.

5 – Practice doing things imperfectly – no, I’m not saying ruin all of your clothes by washing your wool sweaters in hot water. But little things-leaving autocorrected texts alone, sending an email without re-reading it more than once, quickly-and seeing that the world doesn’t end when you do that, can be a good way to get accustomed to imperfections.

It’s not easy to break the perfectionism habit. Your brain has been telling you that everything must be just so for a long time. It takes time and practice, so be gentle and patient with yourself. Getting to the point where you can giggle a little at your perfectionism seems to be a place to aim for.

Because, as Steinbeck said, now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.

Leaning Forward When You’d Rather Lean Back

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I learned to ski as an adult. To say I was afraid is to delve into understatement. I was terrified. But I was dating a Vermonter at the time, and when in Vermont….so I took ski lessons.

I wasn’t half bad at it, to be honest. But the one part of skiing that I just couldn’t wrap my mind around was that, while I was hurtling down an icy slope with limited ability to stop, my instructor kept yelling, “Nose over your toes! Lean forward!!”

Lean forward? Was he nuts, or just some sort of sadistic weirdo? When you are going downhill, your instinct is to lean back-to slow down the action, to pull away from what, as a beginner skier, looks to be your death spiral. I resisted the urge for a long time-and while I was never going to be an Olympic skier, leaning back kept me from being a better skier than I was.

Young children, in general, can be difficult at times. They run around, they jump on your bed, they feed their dinner to the dog. Children with ADHD have the extra oomph of being impulsive-what would happen if we smash the TV to let the people out-as well as having difficulty settling in for baths, storytime, meals. 

And as a parent, after several hours, all you want to do is lean back.

So you put on the latest Paw Patrol episode, intending to just take 15 minutes to regroup and maybe use the bathroom. But then the peace and quiet is so intoxicating..and suddenly, 15 minutes has turned into 3 hours.

Now, we’ve all had days where, for everyone’s sake, the above scenario is not just necessary, it’s recommended. And I am in no way criticizing anyone for it. Been there, and have done it. However, when 3 hour TV breaks become the norm, and yet your child is still driving you mad, it might be time to lean forward.

What does this mean? It entails saying to your child, “Hey, Bobby. We need to chill a little bit, but I still want to play. What would you like to do for the next little while?” And then….and here’s the hard part…doing what they ask.

It’s hard because no, you really don’t feel like pretending you’re a farm animal, or dressing up, or playing 20 card games. You have laundry to do, and a work call to make, and your client will not understand if you yell “Uno!” during your Zoom call.

But giving your child that little bit of time-even just 15 minutes-to call the shots, and to have your complete attention-and that means no phone in hand-can do magical things. 

It changes the pace. It pauses the frenetic action. Most importantly-it tells your child, in ways that words can’t, that they are a priority. And that you enjoy them. And while that isn’t going to mean that they will stop feeding green beans to Fido, what it will do is strengthen your bond with your kid. It’ll help you understand what and how they think. And it will make you a better parent. Which is what our kids deserve.

Structure Overload

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Make a list, they said. Make a list, and a time to check it, and an alarm for that time, and an alarm to set the alarm for checking, and, and, and…

Yes, structure can be super helpful to ADHDers trying to survive in a neurotypical world. But when does structure become a barrier to success?

Some of ADHDer’s challenges stem from weak executive functioning, and compromised working memory. Recognizing this, and realizing that support for these areas will be necessary, is pretty crucial for improving one’s ability to stay organized, meet deadlines, and generally deal with obligations that keep us employed, sheltered, and not pissing off relatives by forgetting their birthdays. There is no shame in needing strategies and support for executive function, just like there’s no embarrassment in wearing glasses if you have impaired vision. 

And those supports really need to be the right ones for you. If I wear my husband’s glasses, I will easily walk into a wall. And if he wears mine, he will likely drive off a cliff. If I tried to use his to-do list, I’d probably lose my mind. And vice versa.

Sometimes, though, we go overboard-and the very structure that is supposed to help us becomes a burden. It might be too much structure-scheduling every minute of every day-or not the right kind. Some people thrive with bullet journals. Personally, not my jam (and I have tried, I have the gorgeous journals with 5 pages filled to prove it).

When we over-structure, it can cause discomfort, even resentment. And that’s the tipping point at which one might say “I hate all of these lists. That’s it, I’m done!” And the ADHD free fall begins.

We’ve all been there. It lasts…until the scales shift, and there’s more discomfort with the free fall than the structure. And back and forth we go.

But, what if we built some free fall into our structures? For example, one day a week without a to do list. Or an hour every day built in for just…being. Or maybe, including some time every week for going down rabbit holes.

It’s tough to balance one’s ADHD tendency to go down the rabbit hole with the need for a plan, to not just get stuff done, but also to feel good about the effort. But both are parts of the ADHDers’ make up. So why not just own that…instead of trying to extinguish it?

It Really Is All About The Dopamine

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Well, it is. All about the dopamine,that is.

I could get technical here-get into re-uptake inhibitors, and serotonin versus dopamine-but that’s really not my area of expertise. I know enough to understand this one important fact though-there is “an association between ADHD and lower levels of dopamine.”¹

So then, logically speaking, that means that ADHD is related to brain chemistry. Not laziness, not apathy, not “trying to get away with something.” Saying that an ADHDer is being sluggish on purpose is like saying that someone with glasses isn’t trying hard enough to see.

I’m going to cover a lot of topics in this blog-some funny, some not so amusing. But I wanted to start with this basic idea-ADHD is about physical brain chemistry and structure-because if you are reading this, odds are you have ADHD, or have a loved one who has it (or are one of my friends or family that I forced to read it). And you have possibly been told, or even told someone else, that there’s no such thing as ADHD, it’s just people who are screw ups. Or won’t pull their own weight.

There are a lot of events in the world right now that show, in some people’s minds, that science isn’t to be believed. I don’t get that, and I never will. And there will always be people who don’t believe the science that shows ADHD is related to brain chemistry and structure. I don’t get that either, but unfortunately, they’re out there.

As long as you, the ADHDer or the family member of an ADHDer, know different.

It really is all about the dopamine. That’s where it starts…and that’s where it ends.