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The Change In Your Kid Starts With You

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Parents often ask me to coach their pre-teen and teenage kids. They are concerned that their children are having difficulties in school, with homework, chores, handling their emotions, mornings and evenings. Parents would like to see their kids change.

Many parents are completely surprised when I tell them that in order to see their children make progress, the first place that change has to happen is with them.

Wait, what?? 

Yes, it’s true. YOU are going to have to make some changes if you want your kiddo to do so.

Here’s a common example. Your kid is constantly running late in the morning. They have missed the school bus many times, causing you to run behind on starting your day because you have to drive them to school. There are arguments every morning. You feel exhausted right at the beginning of the day. How can this situation be addressed and improved?

We could say that your child needs to get out of bed earlier, should put their phone away, ought to pick out their clothes the night before, or just needs to grow up. But saying this over and over will not make change happen. However, if YOU make changes – for example, taking their phone out of their room at bedtime so that it’s unavailable for morning scrolling, working with your child to figure out timing for the different parts of the morning routine, maybe even setting up a reward system – then there is a shot at improvement.

Here are some general parental changes that are a good starting point:

1 – Learn as much as you can about ADHD – Read. Watch videos. Go online – not TikTok, but real qualified sources of information. Join CHADD and other support groups. Develop a really solid understanding of what ADHD is and isn’t, the science behind ADHD, and common misconceptions. I’m alarmed when I find out that parents haven’t done this. If your child had diabetes, wouldn’t you want to know everything about it? Well, the same applies to ADHD.

2 – Keep in mind that kids with ADHD are often 2 – 3 years behind their peers in terms of their executive functions  – So this means the statement “a kid who is _____ years old should be able to _________” is completely pointless. By their birth date your child may be 13 years old, but in terms of their development, they could be somewhere around 10 or 11, causing them to be incapable of what their age mates can do.

3 – Take the role of advocating for your child seriously – As a retired teacher, I hate to say this, but many teachers still have not gotten the training they need to work with kids with ADHD. Other adults may not know anything at all. You may have to (nicely!) go toe to toe with teachers, principals, sports team coaches, camp directors, family members. This is, however, your job as a parent. Your kid should know unequivocally that if there is anyone in this world who will fight for them, it is you.

4 – Shaming and guilting your child will actually make things worse – Ah yes, the old “my parents yelled at me and embarrassed me in front of my friends, and it worked.” Perhaps that is so. Thankfully, we know more now about what is effective and appropriate. Kids with ADHD already feel “less than.” Making them feel badly about themselves will not help them to change their behavior in a positive direction. 

5 – Tell your child about their ADHD – Your kid has a right to know that his brain works differently than some others, and that does not make him dumb or bad. Give them at least the basics; sprinkle in some knowledge of both famous people with ADHD, and family members who may have it. 

6 – Work collaboratively with your child to solve problems – In the scenario above, sitting down with your kiddo, talking about what you see as the problem, and asking them how they think it should be solved gives them agency and motivation. It also can be a huge time saver. They know themselves best!

7 – Sometimes, you will have to do something unpopular – Kids love their electronics. Many parents use taking them away as a punishment, which very rarely does anything to change behavior. You may have to say “no electronics until homework is done” or “you can have your phone after you’ve cleared the table.” Your kid will not love this. That’s okay. The idea of work before play is a solid one for kids to learn early.

8 – Every single day, love your child – Kids with ADHD can be difficult to raise. Between executive function challenges and emotional dysregulation, home life can become very chaotic and charged. Take breaks when you need to (I’m a big fan of the lock yourself in the bathroom strategy). But strive to show your child that you love them, whether it’s a quick hug or a compliment. Don’t skimp!

9 – Try to keep your sense of humor – This can be very hard to do. There are days where nothing seems funny at all. If possible, try to step back just a little, and see if you can find some humor somewhere. You can’t yell while you’re laughing!

As you can see, your change comes first. I put learning about ADHD first because I feel that sets the stage for seeing your child as a person with a brain that works differently than the typical kid, which will in turn help you to help them.

Change IS gonna come. For your kid…but first, for you.

Why Won’t My Kid Do Homework??

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Among my clients past and present, one of the biggest issues seems to be homework. Not just for younger kids – this extends from the elementary grades, all the way through college.

It would be difficult to find a kid who LIKES homework (excluding fun projects). But ADHD kiddos in particular seem to have an aversion to assignments that outmatches their neurotypical peers. Why is that?

  • Lack of dopamine – completing homework generally does not give someone a major dopamine boost. In ADHDers, whose dopamine is already compromised, this makes doing homework less attractive than…well, almost anything. Homework is boring!
  • Reward system differences/time blindness – kids with ADHD don’t respond to negative consequences as a motivator. This means that telling your child “if you don’t do your homework you will fail the class” doesn’t have the impact it would have on a neurotypical child. Furthermore, due to time management executive function challenges, using a future impact to convince an ADHD child to do their work is ineffective. ADHDers tend to have two time periods: now, and some other time. And some other time is vague and not really a factor.
  • Additional work due to incomplete class assignments – ADHD kiddos, whether due to lack of focus, lack of interest, or not attending to/understanding directions, can have difficulty completing classwork during the class period.They may then be tasked with completing the work at home. This is not given instead of homework; it is added to the homework load. So ADHD kids can, on any given night, have double the workload of neurotypical children.
  • Challenges with planning and organization – many kids – and adults – with ADHD lack the ability to plan and organize their assignments. This is due to executive function weaknesses, including non-verbal working memory challenges. So when your child comes home, all they see is this massive mountain called Homework, which they find intimidating. Avoidance is a natural response to this.
  • Not knowing what they need to do – with my clients, I have found that every teacher has their own way of disseminating information. Some use Google Classroom. Some expect students to copy homework assignments from the board, into their planners. Some yell out, at the end of class, “do the problems on page 9 for homework!” This inconsistency is anathema to a child that already has issues with organization. 

So yes, there are real reasons relating to your child’s ADHD for being less than thrilled about homework. But homework exists anyway. What can we do?

Here are some strategies to try with your ADHD kiddo, gleaned from my years as both a teacher, and an ADHD coach:

1 – Speak to the child’s teacher(s) – if your child is struggling with getting their homework done in a reasonable amount of time, or if your family’s wellbeing is being challenged by nightly homework battles, your first stop is the teacher. There is no way for the teacher to know what goes on after school without someone telling them. If your child is older, they can have a conversation with the teacher. Advocating for themselves is a life skill they will need as they get older.

2 – Help your child plan out their homework – Every day, have an adult (you or someone else) sit down with your child to develop a plan for getting their assignments done. This means going through Google Classroom (if being used), notebooks, and planners to see what has been assigned and when it is due. Be sure to ask your child if they have any additional classwork to finish up. If your child is older, it is still important for them to complete this planning stage. Perhaps emailing it to you is a good way to have accountability without your direct participation.


3 – For larger assignments, help your child plan out the steps to completion – This includes determining what actions are necessary (so, rather than putting “book cover” on your list, include a verb like “draw book cover”), and creating deadlines for each step. Again, having your older child do this and emailing it to you works well. This is basically outsourcing non-verbal working memory.

4 – Designate a space for your child to do their homework – This does not have to be a desk in their room; in fact, being away from everyone may lead to turning to other, more dopamine producing activities (aka videogames). Setting up at the kitchen table consistently can work, as long as there isn’t a ton of distractions and activity.

5 – No screens before or during homework – Many of us feel sorry for our kids, and want to let them have a little fun before going back to work. However, once they are on their phones or watching TV we have lost them, and the pull back to homework becomes substantially more painful. Screentime, in whatever form you choose, can be the reward for homework completion; it is not necessary or advisable before or during homework time.

6 – Try body doubling with your kid – Body doubling, an extremely successful ADHD strategy, involves working at the same time, in the same place (in person or virtually) as someone else, but not directly working with them. So, for example, sitting at the kitchen table while your kid does homework, you can be paying bills, doing your own work, or even just reading. It helps to keep both parties on track. You can do this with your college student on Zoom – bonus points for having contact with your kid!

There are many, many more strategies living in my ADHD Homework toolbox – these are just a few to get you started. Please reach out if you need more help!

 

We Are Under Attack!

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Last week, I attended the International Conference on ADHD. It was great to see coaching friends in person, to meet new people, and to learn so many new things. All three keynote speakers were truly inspiring, imparting information and motivation.

One common thread for all three speeches related to the current situation neurodiverse people are facing, due to a variety of policy and personnel changes in the Federal government. In case you are not aware of these challenges, here is a brief summary (if you know the issues, you can head down to the Call To Action):

Department of Education/Office of Special Education: The Trump administration has expressed its intention to close the Department of Education. Since this can only take place through an act of Congress, the Department’s staff is being critically reduced, and plans have been announced to move various departments to other agencies. These actions will hamper oversight of compliance with IDEA (Individuals with Disabilities Education Act), which protects the rights of disabled students. It also can impact administration and protection of Section 504, under which many students with ADHD receive vital accommodations.

Additionally, Office of Special Education staff has been significantly decreased. This endangers distribution of funding for special education programs at schools. There have also been discussions of moving OSEP to the Department of Health and Human Services, which smacks of looking at special education students as being impaired, versus different.

Evidence – Based Care/Treatment of ADHD:  There have been many, many studies on ADHD that show that a multi-modal approach to treatment – medication, therapy, educational and work supports – is the best practice when it comes to addressing ADHD. However, the MAHA commission established by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., has cast doubt on these studies and treatments. MAHA’s approach could impact the availability of medication for ADHD and other mental health challenges, as well as cause issues with insurance coverage for treatments. The shortage of ADHD medication in recent years has been incredibly difficult for those that rely on medication to do their work, drive safely, and live life to the fullest. One can only imagine how reducing access to medication altogether would impact the ADHD community.

Call To Action!

Do the issues summarized above make you anxious? Frustrated? Angry? Is the thought of your child being unable to get their medication, or having difficulties at school because of programs being erased, something that you do not want to stand for?

After listening to the keynote speakers at the conference, I am ready to fight.

There are simple ways to make your opinion known to your Federal representatives. While you may think that this is ineffective, I can tell you, as a former constituent liaison for a state representative, letters, emails, and phone calls are logged. So while every word you write may not matter, just the act of writing does. We need to show our representatives that access to evidence based care and a protective environment for our neurodiverse children matters!

The CHADD Advocacy Center (https://chadd.org/adhd-advocacy-action-center/) is set up for extremely easy access to your representatives. They supply a template for emails on a variety of important topics. When you insert your name and address, your email is automatically routed to your representative. It takes literally two minutes.

I know that having one more task on your plate is exactly what you don’t want. So here are a few strategies to help out:

  • Set an alarm/reminder for a somewhat less busy time during your day.
  • Have Siri/Alexa remind you to “stand up for the rights of ADHDers!”
  • Stack sending emails with another existing habit (“before I brush my teeth I will…”)
  • Hop on the CHADD site while doing something else that you enjoy (“I will listen to this podcast only if I am also contacting my senator!”)
  • Gamify it – how many emails can you send in one week? Set up a contest with a friend or family member. (It is okay to send it over and over, again, numbers matter!) 
  • Think about your future self – will FutureYou want you to ignore this issue, and leave them without meds??
  • Ponder your values – who do you want to be in relation to this issue? Do you believe that all people are entitled to the assistance that will help them live a good life?

I urge you to not sit on the sidelines. Use that ADHD sense of justice and fairness, and your creativity and compassion, to propel you towards action. For you, for me, for all of us.