- I Wish I Had A River To Skate Away On..by Annette Lang
It’s coming on Christmas,
They’re cutting down trees,
They’re putting up reindeer, singing songs of joy and peace,
Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on.
Even Joni Mitchell felt overwhelmed by the holidays (btw, if you’ve never heard her holiday song “River,” go listen to it right now. You’re welcome).
“Overwhelmed? What do you mean? It’s the most wonderful time of the year!!”
Perhaps. But the holidays are a lot. And when you have ADHD, they are a lot of a lot.
For example, getting gifts for people can be so difficult. Analysis paralysis, plus people pleasing, plus lack of financial control, can become a nightmare scenario of buying at the last minute. Add the ADHD tax of having to send gifts via FedEx 24 hour delivery. And the possible future issue of buying gifts without actually knowing how much you can afford, and will have to pay for.
And then there is receiving gifts. “Now how could receiving gifts be a problem?” you say, thinking that I am some sort of Grinch.
Let’s try a little scenario here.Your mom gets you a sweater. She gets your sister a bracelet. Probably the same monetary value, and you did ask for a sweater. BUT her gift is so much nicer! Mom loves her more! Rejection sensitivity skating on in!
Or your mom gets you a sweater. But you didn’t ask for a sweater; you asked for gloves. Does your mom not think you know what you need? How can she ignore what you asked for? Let’s have a little emotional dysregulation with those gloves please!
And I cannot leave out the actual holiday celebration. Family, friends…what could go wrong??
If you are fortunate enough to celebrate with your people, your very own chosen tribe…enjoy every minute!
But many of us will be spending the holidays with family from near and far that are not quite so understanding of neurodivergence. Some of that family may not be very well versed in ADHD – what it is, and what it isn’t. Unbelievably, there are still people who think ADHD is fake – all you, or your ADHD kiddos, need is a kick in the ass.
Getting through dinner with those who deny your issues, and who feel the need to let you know this, is what would send me through the door, looking for any sort of body of water to skate away on.
So, what is one to do? How can an ADHDer have a happy holiday season? Here are just a few tips.
1 – Recognize that the holidays are not necessarily all they are cracked up to be, to eliminate the feeling of FOMO, as well as the idea that you have failed at Christmas. Ignore Facebook and Instagram posts showing perfect trees, happy children, couples kissing under the mistletoe. Real life is not a Hallmark Christmas special!
2 – For gift buying, if possible, try to figure out how much to spend in total. The more you spend on one person, the less you will have for someone else. This can keep the January regrets – and credit card bills – from ruining the start of 2026.
3 – A gift that someone gives to you is not a linear measure of how they feel about you. It’s a culmination of so many things – what they think you might like, sure, but also what is on sale? What comes in your size? What did they give you last year? How much do they have to spend on gifts? When you start to feel rejection sensitivity relating to a gift you are given, ask yourself if YOUR gifts reflect ONLY how you feel about someone?
4 – It is okay, if you are feeling overwhelmed or irritated at any point during the holiday festivities, to excuse yourself from the area, and spend some time alone. Splash cold water on your face, take deep breaths, mentally sing a song. You don’t have to be at the table for every single minute of the day.
5 – Likewise, you do NOT have to go to every holiday event to which you are invited. There will be some that feel mandatory, and you may have to weigh the “price” of going versus the “price” of sitting it out. For example, the work Christmas party may be an event you feel you can’t miss. You do not, however, have to stay from start to finish!
6 – Finally, and perhaps most importantly, give some thought to what YOU would like to have as part of your holiday. Is it binging “Gillmore Girls” while wearing PJ’s and eating ice cream? Do it. Is it Face Timing with your far away nieces and nephews? Do it. Is it making a yummy breakfast for your kids, and then letting them wear sweatpants to Grandma’s house for Christmas lunch, rather than fighting with them? Do it. You can invent your own traditions, or eschew last year’s plans to make new ones this year. Use that fabulous ADHD creativity to create the holiday YOU want.
Whatever makes you feel like you don’t want to skate away on that river…at least, not today.
- We Are Under Attack!by Annette Lang
Last week, I attended the International Conference on ADHD. It was great to see coaching friends in person, to meet new people, and to learn so many new things. All three keynote speakers were truly inspiring, imparting information and motivation.
One common thread for all three speeches related to the current situation neurodiverse people are facing, due to a variety of policy and personnel changes in the Federal government. In case you are not aware of these challenges, here is a brief summary (if you know the issues, you can head down to the Call To Action):
Department of Education/Office of Special Education: The Trump administration has expressed its intention to close the Department of Education. Since this can only take place through an act of Congress, the Department’s staff is being critically reduced, and plans have been announced to move various departments to other agencies. These actions will hamper oversight of compliance with IDEA (Individuals with Disabilities Education Act), which protects the rights of disabled students. It also can impact administration and protection of Section 504, under which many students with ADHD receive vital accommodations.
Additionally, Office of Special Education staff has been significantly decreased. This endangers distribution of funding for special education programs at schools. There have also been discussions of moving OSEP to the Department of Health and Human Services, which smacks of looking at special education students as being impaired, versus different.
Evidence – Based Care/Treatment of ADHD: There have been many, many studies on ADHD that show that a multi-modal approach to treatment – medication, therapy, educational and work supports – is the best practice when it comes to addressing ADHD. However, the MAHA commission established by Robert F. Kennedy Jr., has cast doubt on these studies and treatments. MAHA’s approach could impact the availability of medication for ADHD and other mental health challenges, as well as cause issues with insurance coverage for treatments. The shortage of ADHD medication in recent years has been incredibly difficult for those that rely on medication to do their work, drive safely, and live life to the fullest. One can only imagine how reducing access to medication altogether would impact the ADHD community.
Call To Action!
Do the issues summarized above make you anxious? Frustrated? Angry? Is the thought of your child being unable to get their medication, or having difficulties at school because of programs being erased, something that you do not want to stand for?
After listening to the keynote speakers at the conference, I am ready to fight.
There are simple ways to make your opinion known to your Federal representatives. While you may think that this is ineffective, I can tell you, as a former constituent liaison for a state representative, letters, emails, and phone calls are logged. So while every word you write may not matter, just the act of writing does. We need to show our representatives that access to evidence based care and a protective environment for our neurodiverse children matters!
The CHADD Advocacy Center (https://chadd.org/adhd-advocacy-action-center/) is set up for extremely easy access to your representatives. They supply a template for emails on a variety of important topics. When you insert your name and address, your email is automatically routed to your representative. It takes literally two minutes.
I know that having one more task on your plate is exactly what you don’t want. So here are a few strategies to help out:
- Set an alarm/reminder for a somewhat less busy time during your day.
- Have Siri/Alexa remind you to “stand up for the rights of ADHDers!”
- Stack sending emails with another existing habit (“before I brush my teeth I will…”)
- Hop on the CHADD site while doing something else that you enjoy (“I will listen to this podcast only if I am also contacting my senator!”)
- Gamify it – how many emails can you send in one week? Set up a contest with a friend or family member. (It is okay to send it over and over, again, numbers matter!)
- Think about your future self – will FutureYou want you to ignore this issue, and leave them without meds??
- Ponder your values – who do you want to be in relation to this issue? Do you believe that all people are entitled to the assistance that will help them live a good life?
I urge you to not sit on the sidelines. Use that ADHD sense of justice and fairness, and your creativity and compassion, to propel you towards action. For you, for me, for all of us.
- AI Is A Tool, Not A Personby Annette Lang
I have had many clients tell me, “I talked to ChatGPT, and it said…” or “Claude told me…” or even “AI is always so nice to me!”
Is AI a powerful, extremely useful tool? Absolutely. But it’s just that – a tool. Treating AI as if it is a person whose opinion matters is the same as expecting the stove to tell you that what you are planning to cook is a bad idea.
AI can be particularly helpful to ADHDers. Developing a schedule, breaking down a task, summarizing notes or conversations are all jobs that can be handled by AI quickly and easily. I have encouraged clients to use ChatGPT for resume writing (where style or voice isn’t really a thing), or to draft simple emails. And during those trips down the ADHD rabbit holes? AI is your all knowing tour guide.
However, AI is not human. It is not a friend, or a person, or a mentor.
Why is this important to keep in mind?
First of all, AI is a conglomeration of its training data, and information from the web. This data can be biased. So when you prompt AI to give you a list of, let’s say, ADHD coaches in New Jersey, you may get a list that isn’t updated, or may only be affiliated with a particular training program. This might not lead you to the best coach for you.
Also, “social sycophancy” can occur when AI is in use. Sycophancy means excessive flattery; in this case, sycophancy means AI will agree with the user, regardless of whether they are on the right path or not. According to a Stanford University study, using ChatGPT to discuss an argument can often result in advice that emphasizes that the user is correct, and that there is no need for them to apologize or patch things up with their significant other, even if the user is clearly in the wrong.
With an ADHDer there can be other factors that exacerbate the situation. ADHDers often experience uncertainty in relationships, ranging from people pleasing to feeling a heightened state of rejection. This uncertainty can cause the ADHDer to be more susceptible to AI’s sycophancy, whether they are right or wrong. Also, AI’s insistence that the ADHDer is correct can fan the flames of the argument, causing an emotionally dysregulated ADHDer to continue the argument, rather than discussing peace.
So, how can we safely and effectively use AI?
AI can be a terrific starting point when researching. For example, AI can find a list of ADHD coaches in New Jersey. After that, however, it is up to the user to follow up by speaking to coaches and finding a good fit.
As I mentioned earlier, AI is also a great tool for navigating executive function challenges. Prompting ChatGPT “I have five things to do today, can you help me to prioritize them?” is an excellent way to utilize AI. Again, it is the user’s responsibility to see if that list makes sense in the larger context of their day and life. Following AI’s recommendations blindly is giving less trust to one’s own abilities and knowledge than to ChatGPT’s. And that’s just not valid. You know yourself better than Claude does
How about using AI for advice?
One must remember that AI doesn’t feel. ChatGPT can deliver an empathetic response, but it has no empathy. Claude can tell you that you were 100% right in an argument, but really has no understanding of you, the other person, your history, your anxieties, your rejection sensitivity…none of it. In the words of Myra Cheng, a computer scientist at Stanford University, “It’s important to seek additional perspectives from real people who understand more of the context of your situation and who you are, rather than relying solely on AI responses.”
Using AI to find a variety of solutions to the problem that caused the argument is okay. Asking Claude for methods to stay calm during a heated discussion – great. But when it comes to asking AI what to do? That’s a big no.
So AI can be useful, it can be a timesaver, it can help with the mundanities of life.
But it is not your BFF.
- Why Does ADHD Awareness Matter?by Annette Lang
October is ADHD Awareness Month. You may have received an email about it, or seen a post online. And you may have skipped right over it – after all, YOU are aware that you have ADHD, isn’t that enough?
Nope. It is not. Let’s go through a quick round up for whom ADHD awareness is extremely important, impacting ADHDers, and neurotypicals.
Teachers and School Administrators – As a retired K-6 educator, I can accurately state that while teachers are aware of ADHD, many have not had appropriate training, and therefore do not have a full understanding of what it is and isn’t, or how to address challenges in the classroom.This is important if you are a parent of an ADHDer, as having your child get the message that they are lazy, incompetent, or even stupid can have life long ill effects on their self esteem. Additionally, if you are requesting accommodations or modifications, it is vital that the school team has a clear picture of what will help your child.
Managers in the workplace – ADHDers, with their creativity and ability to think outside the box, can be a real positive force in the workplace. However, they also can have difficulties with organization, and time blindness. This means that any project or responsibility, even simple tasks, can become a struggle to complete on time, or at all. Furthermore, ADHD hyperfocus can be a double edged sword. While being able to dig deep is a plus in any analytical position, getting stuck down a rabbit hole can slow work down without commensurate value. There are simple accommodations that can help with these challenges, such as check-ins with the manager. However, in order to put these supports in place, managers need to recognize that ADHD is real, not just an excuse.
Family members aside from parents – Hopefully, if you are an ADHD parent, having an ADHD kiddo has led you to learn about ADHD, and gain an understanding of the causes of ADHD, as well as how to handle your child’s particular brand (and if not, let’s talk!). However, other family members may not believe that ADHD is real, or may make comments that can cut your child’s ego like a machete. If we believe that family members love our child, and are just misinformed, then sharing more about ADHD can benefit everyone.
Our Government – Currently, the health and science arm of the U.S. government is going through radical changes, and often proffering opinions that are not backed by the majority of scientific research. ADHD has been mentioned in the MAHA literature, with RFK Jr. proposing voluntary attendance at “wellness farms” as a treatment. Perhaps some ADHD awareness, particularly relating to research backed treatment scenarios, would be helpful for the decision makers in Washington.
This is by no means a complete list. My goal is to change your awareness of how sharing accurate information on ADHD can be beneficial to you, your loved ones, and society in general. Knowing about your or your child’s ADHD isn’t enough; we need to spread the word.
So Happy ADHD Awareness Month! Go out there and amplify what YOU know about ADHD, for others!
- My Emergency Systemby Annette Lang
Routines, habits, and structures are the supports that help ADHDers, and other neurodivergent folks, operate in our neurotypical world. Once we recognize that ADHD doesn’t mean you can’t pay attention (there’s that annoying name thing again), it means you have difficulty regulating focus, it’s just a few steps to “Aha! I CAN do things, I just find it hard to remember them, or stop doing interesting things to complete boring stuff. I just need some help with that piece!” And from there, reminders occur, body doubling ensues, and hopefully, productivity and self esteem rises.
But what about those cases where, despite having great systems, you just cannot get it together? What then??
First of all, don’t panic. Life is not just a linear journey. Things will happen that will upend our structures like a house of cards in a stiff wind.
And second – have an emergency system at the ready.
You’ve heard those announcements – “This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test. If this had been an actual emergency, you would have been instructed where to tune in your area for news and official information.” In other words, if the you-know-what has hit the fan, we can, hopefully calmly, use what we already have in our possession to address it.
My personal emergency system consists of putting specific tasks on my calendar at specific days and times, rather than just carrying them on a to-do list. I need to know that at 2pm I will be reminded to drop off a package, and at 3pm I will be vacuuming. The time aspect forces me to act.
I also know that when in emergency mode, telling myself “oh I’ll remember that” when thinking of something I need to address is a BIG FAT LIE. So, when this happens, I will note it any way I can. If I can’t get to my task management app, that’s okay – I can write on my arms, slap a Post It note onto my computer screen, or instruct Siri to text me about it. Anything that gives Working Memory a break.
In other words, my emergency system super sizes my everyday routines and structures. Nothing fancy, nothing that requires me to learn how to use a new app in the midst of chaos.
So, when is an emergency system put into play? Here are some scenarios.
1 – When you are feeling overwhelmed by everything you need to do. This can be planning a presentation, throwing a party, moving…anything where the number of steps is too high to count.
2 – When you are not 100%. Whether you are not feeling well physically, or are dealing with emotional fall out, having some extra oomph in your task management can help you to stay on track, even under difficult circumstances.
3 – When deadlines are short, and tempers are shorter. Tasks that need to be “completed yesterday” come with their own special brand of stress. This, in turn, can have you and everyone else involved grinding their teeth and ready to pounce on the next person who looks at them wrong. Heightening our task management in easy but effective ways can help us make progress despite the pressure.
Having your own emergency system gives you a structure to lean on when you feel as if the world is on fire. So give it some thought – you want to be ready when it’s not a test, but rather, an actual emergency.
