- Spending Control the ADHD Friendly Way, Part 2!by Annette Lang
In my last blog post, I talked about doing some detective work to find your particular spending patterns. This would help you to develop spending control strategies that match up.
But, what if, despite your best efforts, you find it almost painful to give up the dopamine charge one gets from shopping? Suppose you are having a really hard time controlling your spending?
First, and probably most important – self compassion. No shame, no guilt! You are not bad, or selfish, or irresponsible. You are, in fact, dealing with a neurological difference that causes you to be motivated by what interests you (yup, that’s ADHD). Giving up that immediate dopamine hit is HARD! So give yourself kudos for trying, not thumbs downs for failing.
Plus evidence shows us that exercising self compassion actually helps us to accomplish our goals faster than being negative towards ourselves. Makes sense, when you think about it – who would want to pursue a goal that results in feeling badly about ourselves?
Second, it can be helpful to put some small, one size fits all strategies in place to get things moving. Here are some tiny tweaks you can make to get the spending control ball rolling in an ADHD compassionate way:
- Make a list of small things to buy that can make you happy – Can buying a new nail polish color scratch the itch of wanting to shop? I know I can go to any Staples and feel joy by purchasing new Post-Its. The idea is to own your dopamine chasing, but keep a lid on how much you spend to do so.
- Secondhand/thrift store, Free Cycle – My daughter-in-law is the queen of Goodwill shopping. She can spend hours looking for deals, and always walks out of the store with a designer outfit that costs her next to nothing. The thrill of the hunt! Also, if you have a Free Cycle in your town, it is a great way to “shop,” with all merchandise costing zero. Free dopamine!
- Make controlling spending fun! – Partner up with a friend, for accountability and cheerleading. Tally up all of the times you DON’T buy something. Make up a rap or poem to remind you of your non-spending goal. Getting that dopamine in other ways!
- Unsubscribe from shopping emails – this is SO effective! If you need something, you will be able to get it, without the help of the thrice daily emails. And I get that little dopamine push every time I see “you are now unsubscribed.” Win/win!
All of the above strategies can work for pretty much anyone. Remember, though, that the most effective way to control spending is to understand the B and the E in B.E.A.S.T. – background and emotions. Armed with that information, you will be unstoppable!
PS – Want a copy of my “Strategies To Control Spending?” You can find it here, free! http://digioh.com/em/33248/200557/j9j2ny23pd
- Spending Control the ADHD Friendly Way!by Annette Lang
Gas prices are skyrocketing. Actually all prices are climbing. And with that, our spending is rising daily.
We know we should “tighten our belts” (btw, I hate that expression – tightening your belt sounds so uncomfortable), But, what do we do if ADHD makes it so, so difficult to gain control of our money? And how do we deal with the guilt, shame, and fear that we feel when we can’t do so?
Let’s first briefly discuss WHY ADHDers have trouble controlling spending. First, buying things can make us happy. It can be a high dopamine activity, which, since ADHDers have low dopamine levels, is something we might seek out. Until the guilt kicks in. But then, we may double down to feel good again – retail therapy, am I right? This treadmill, which I call the ADHD Spending Cycle, can be difficult to jump off of.
Add in the impulsivity of ADHD, which causes action before reflection. Now we have a killer recipe for overspending, feeling out of control, getting into hot water with credit card companies and the IRS…the list goes on and on.
So…what do we do?? How can ADHDers successfully get a grip on spending??
Usually, when using my B.E.A.S.T. Method of ADHD Friendly Financial Control, I would start with the B – background. However, I’d like us to gain some traction during this chaotic time. I’m going to suggest we jump to the E and A – emotions and actions/avoidance.
It’s time for you to be a detective.
For the next five days, take note of your spending, in terms of what you are doing, and how you are feeling. So, for example, last night I was scrolling the internet, and almost bought a new pair of pants. I was feeling excited to buy them for a trip I’m taking, but also was bored while watching TV. And I was lying around while doing it.
The more we can learn about what we are doing and feeling while spending, the more easily we can see patterns. This helps us to develop better strategies to counteract our actions.
So, in the example above, maybe I should be doing my crocheting while watching TV, instead of looking for things to buy. Also, making a list of what I need for my trip can guide me as to whether I actually need something new.
See how that works?
Also, I can use a few other strategies – ones that you might find useful, and can put into practice right now:
- Build in a way to change your mind – Leave items in the cart for 48 hours; leave tags on so items can be returned easily.
- Find other ways to curate items – Make an Amazon list; Pinterest; bookmarks.
- Budget a small amount for discretionary spending – In other words, scratch that itch, but in a controlled way.
There are countless other ways to get a grip on spending, but their effectiveness relies on knowing what is driving it.
You may feel embarrassed, or fearful, when studying yourself. So I’m going to flip the script on this. You can feel PROUD that you are working on your spending patterns. And knowing the enemy, whether it’s impulsivity or dopamine chasing, makes you MORE POWERFUL.
You can do this! More strategies next time!!
PS – Here is a link to a spreadsheet to help you take note of your spending, actions, and emotions, including an example! https://digioh.com/em/33248/200393/47wv8xr54d?demail=(email)
- My Kids Drive Me Crazy on Snow Days!by Annette Lang
The blizzard of ‘26 is upon us. Dare I say, we in the Northeast are winter weary.
And if I think I have it bad, it is nothing compared to parents who are dealing with bored kids. Kids who are over playing in the snow and sledding, who can’t get to their friends’ houses, and who are downright cranky.
What is a parent to do? How can moms and dads of ADHD kiddos deal with the lack of structure that ultimately is the undoing of their children, and therefore, of themselves?
The answer is: create a structure. A loose one, allowing for the wonder of a snow day (which, despite being tired of snow, kids still will jump up and down for). But a framing of the day is necessary.
Kids with ADHD often have non-verbal working memory issues. That means that they have difficulty keeping directions and steps in mind; they have challenges when planning their actions. You’ve probably seen this, in the morning or at bedtime, when your kiddo just stops in their tracks, and doesn’t move from one activity to another. Without structure, they feel aimless, and will often find ways to fill that space that are not great.
On days like today (and tomorrow, and maybe Tuesday), there is no real structure being provided by school, or meetings, or working out. That aimlessness will occur, and your child will find something to do that will, at the very least, annoy you. That’s why it is essential that the ADHDers’ feeling of just wandering through the day can be mitigated by making a plan.
Sitting down with your ADHD child to create a blueprint for the day is a great idea – if YOU have first determined what you would like to see. For example, your child may say “I want to play video games for seven hours tomorrow!” This is an enormous amount of time on a screen, even on a show day. Knowing what you would like to see, and what you find unacceptable, will enable a discussion that is productive, and a plan that is agreeable to both you and your child.
Here is one example of a snow day plan:
Wake up by 10am. No iPad, phone, or TV until the morning routine and breakfast is complete.
Breakfast (or Lunch, depending…) – help with breakfast; this can mean putting out placemats, setting the table, helping with food preparation, loading the dishwasher.
Screens – total of 3 – 4 hours for the day (more than usual, since there isn’t much else to do). Three of the hours can be used consecutively, or spread over the course of the day. The last hour will take place after chores are done.
Chores – complete one daily and one weekly chore.
Other – read, draw, help with shoveling. Can play with your sister as long as there is no fighting. If there is fighting, you will be separated, and will be sent to your rooms to calm down.
Evening routine – Screens are taken away. The evening routine should include getting ready for tomorrow (when there will most likely be school), including picking out clothes and prepping their backpack.
You do not have to plan a day that mimics a school day. If the snow day is a pajama day, that’s fine. It is up to you and your family. Just make sure there is a mix of fun, relaxation, and work.
The plan can be posted somewhere that everyone can see it (magnet to fridge?). If your child objects during a transition, simply pointing to the plan is all that is necessary (and can keep you from engaging in a fruitless argument).
So somewhere between shoveling the snow and cooking something warm and delicious, sit down with your kid(s) and plan out the day. And stay safe!
- The Emotional Cost of the ADHD Taxby Annette Lang
The ADHD tax. Have you heard of it?
Due to executive function challenges, folks with ADHD can lack organizational skills, which can in turn cause them to forget to pay bills. Add time blindness to the mix – “Oh, that’s not due for ages! I’ll worry about it then!” – and working memory issues that impact planning actions, and you have a recipe for the additional costs for goods and services, including late fees and higher borrowing costs due to lowered credit scores, that is semi jokingly referred to as the ADHD tax.
There are other ADHD related factors that impact financial stability. These include impulsivity (buying without forethought), people pleasing (gifts one can’t afford, or purchases to help one fit in or impress), and of course, dopamine seeking (shopping can boost dopamine, tracking one’s money is boring). While these don’t directly lead to the ADHD tax, the less control one has over their money situation, the more apt they are to avoid dealing with it, leading to behaviors that cost us.
If the only impact of the ADHD tax was to our wallets, while it wouldn’t be great, we’d probably just chalk it up to another ADHD problem, like losing our keys or getting lost in a project, and pay the late fees. However, there is more to the ADHD tax than dollars and cents.
The emotional cost associated with feeling financially out of control – for which the ADHD tax is an indicator – can be quite large. According to a 2020 study, ““participants who had difficulty paying bills were more likely to have high levels of depressive symptoms and anxiety compared to those who did not have financial difficulty.” Per a TIAA February 2024 report, 42% of U.S. adults say that money negatively impacts mental health.
Add ADHD to this witch’s cauldron of financial instability, and the emotional impacts increase. Per a study published by The Guardian, “…those with ADHD are twice as likely (76%) to suffer from anxiety linked to their finances compared with the general population (38%).” And even more alarming, according to a 2020 study by Beauchaine et al, “financial distress is associated with fourfold higher risk of suicide among those with ADHD.”
Suddenly the ADHD tax isn’t even remotely amusing.
You may have experienced the negative emotions that accompany the ADHD tax. Feelings of shame and embarrassment are common. One can feel hopeless – why can’t I manage to pay my bills on time like everyone else? And there can be guilt too, especially if others are impacted. These emotions can become cyclical: shame and guilt leading to avoidance of financial monitoring, or the classic “retail therapy” prescription, which can lead to more spending, which starts the cycle all over again.
So what is one to do about this?
There will be those who tell you “just use a budget app.” They may even tout an ADHD friendly budgeting system. However, that app, without any further accommodations and awareness, will sit on the shelf, gathering dust, while the emotional and monetary costs increase.
There are accommodations that can help – autopay, an accountability buddy to keep you from avoiding the issue, dopamine boosting rewards (I’m a fan of the Money Meeting – complete with coffee and cookies – with myself, weekly). If there is avoidance happening, we can dip our toes in by just checking balances for a couple of weeks. If we can afford it, maybe a virtual bookkeeper would help.
But in order for any strategy to work, we need to understand what is driving our behavior. And we need to accept the differences in how ADHD brains work, so that we are willing to stop trying to manage our finances the neurotypical way.
And for this piece of advice…no charge.
- Why Won’t My Kid Do Homework??by Annette Lang
Among my clients past and present, one of the biggest issues seems to be homework. Not just for younger kids – this extends from the elementary grades, all the way through college.
It would be difficult to find a kid who LIKES homework (excluding fun projects). But ADHD kiddos in particular seem to have an aversion to assignments that outmatches their neurotypical peers. Why is that?
- Lack of dopamine – completing homework generally does not give someone a major dopamine boost. In ADHDers, whose dopamine is already compromised, this makes doing homework less attractive than…well, almost anything. Homework is boring!
- Reward system differences/time blindness – kids with ADHD don’t respond to negative consequences as a motivator. This means that telling your child “if you don’t do your homework you will fail the class” doesn’t have the impact it would have on a neurotypical child. Furthermore, due to time management executive function challenges, using a future impact to convince an ADHD child to do their work is ineffective. ADHDers tend to have two time periods: now, and some other time. And some other time is vague and not really a factor.
- Additional work due to incomplete class assignments – ADHD kiddos, whether due to lack of focus, lack of interest, or not attending to/understanding directions, can have difficulty completing classwork during the class period.They may then be tasked with completing the work at home. This is not given instead of homework; it is added to the homework load. So ADHD kids can, on any given night, have double the workload of neurotypical children.
- Challenges with planning and organization – many kids – and adults – with ADHD lack the ability to plan and organize their assignments. This is due to executive function weaknesses, including non-verbal working memory challenges. So when your child comes home, all they see is this massive mountain called Homework, which they find intimidating. Avoidance is a natural response to this.
- Not knowing what they need to do – with my clients, I have found that every teacher has their own way of disseminating information. Some use Google Classroom. Some expect students to copy homework assignments from the board, into their planners. Some yell out, at the end of class, “do the problems on page 9 for homework!” This inconsistency is anathema to a child that already has issues with organization.
So yes, there are real reasons relating to your child’s ADHD for being less than thrilled about homework. But homework exists anyway. What can we do?
Here are some strategies to try with your ADHD kiddo, gleaned from my years as both a teacher, and an ADHD coach:
1 – Speak to the child’s teacher(s) – if your child is struggling with getting their homework done in a reasonable amount of time, or if your family’s wellbeing is being challenged by nightly homework battles, your first stop is the teacher. There is no way for the teacher to know what goes on after school without someone telling them. If your child is older, they can have a conversation with the teacher. Advocating for themselves is a life skill they will need as they get older.
2 – Help your child plan out their homework – Every day, have an adult (you or someone else) sit down with your child to develop a plan for getting their assignments done. This means going through Google Classroom (if being used), notebooks, and planners to see what has been assigned and when it is due. Be sure to ask your child if they have any additional classwork to finish up. If your child is older, it is still important for them to complete this planning stage. Perhaps emailing it to you is a good way to have accountability without your direct participation.
3 – For larger assignments, help your child plan out the steps to completion – This includes determining what actions are necessary (so, rather than putting “book cover” on your list, include a verb like “draw book cover”), and creating deadlines for each step. Again, having your older child do this and emailing it to you works well. This is basically outsourcing non-verbal working memory.4 – Designate a space for your child to do their homework – This does not have to be a desk in their room; in fact, being away from everyone may lead to turning to other, more dopamine producing activities (aka videogames). Setting up at the kitchen table consistently can work, as long as there isn’t a ton of distractions and activity.
5 – No screens before or during homework – Many of us feel sorry for our kids, and want to let them have a little fun before going back to work. However, once they are on their phones or watching TV we have lost them, and the pull back to homework becomes substantially more painful. Screentime, in whatever form you choose, can be the reward for homework completion; it is not necessary or advisable before or during homework time.
6 – Try body doubling with your kid – Body doubling, an extremely successful ADHD strategy, involves working at the same time, in the same place (in person or virtually) as someone else, but not directly working with them. So, for example, sitting at the kitchen table while your kid does homework, you can be paying bills, doing your own work, or even just reading. It helps to keep both parties on track. You can do this with your college student on Zoom – bonus points for having contact with your kid!
There are many, many more strategies living in my ADHD Homework toolbox – these are just a few to get you started. Please reach out if you need more help!
