Clients come to me wanting relief – from being late for work or school, not paying bills on time, missing an important deadline or a loved one’s birthday, and the guilt and shame they feel from it all. They ask for strategies and hacks, hoping that I will provide the one technique that will be life changing.
I don’t have all of the answers. But I do have one “magic wand” for my clients, and for you.
It’s self-compassion. Treating ourselves with the same kindness we would use for a close friend – especially when we mess up. Self compassion aids in dealing with ADHD challenges.
When I ask clients to tell me what happens internally when they forget to feed the dog, it is a torrent of critical verbal vomit, both about this particular inaction, and their worth in general. “I’m a horrible person, the poor dog was starving.” “I don’t deserve to have a pet.” “What is wrong with me??”
And many ADHDers are afraid to let go of this narrative, because they feel it is the only way they will ever become “better.” That this self criticism will serve as motivation to change.
How’s that working out for you?
That criticism, that shame and guilt, will not help you to remember to feed the dog next time. In fact, it will have the opposite effect. Research tells us that all of the stress you are feeling due to the critical way you are talking to yourself, about YOU, makes feeding the dog something to avoid – because you don’t want to feel this way again. So actually, it’s the opposite of motivating.
However, exercising self compassion allows ADHDers to let themselves off the hook. Which makes it a lot easier to try again. Motivating.
So, how does an ADHDer who has been hearing from others, and from themselves, that they are lazy, incompetent, unreliable people, develop self compassion? How is it possible to cut down on the negative messages that are the background music of every single day?
First, we need to get a more detailed definition of what self compassion actually is. According to Dr. Kristen Neff, self compassion has three parts: self kindness, shared humanity, and mindfulness. So, treating yourself as you would treat a dear friend, recognizing that no one is perfect, and that everyone on this planet makes mistakes, and having awareness of what you are telling yourself, so that you can change this negative diatribe, rather than becoming consumed by it.
Second, we also need to understand what self compassion isn’t. It’s not thinking “everyone else is wrong, and I’m right” or “so I didn’t feed the dog, who cares? The dog doesn’t need to be fed all the time anyway.” It’s not about denying responsibility.
When you mess up, you’re still responsible. It’s just that it’s not unforgivable, or a sign of a flawed character. So you can own your mistake, because it’s just that – a mistake. Not the end of the world! Quite a different message than your inner critic is feeding you, no?
Using our dog example, taking responsibility would be “Darn it, I forgot to feed the dog again!” Being mindful would help us to stay aware of the messages we are giving ourselves in this moment, and letting the negative narrative go. Then kindness and shared humanity would kick in: “I feel badly that I forgot to feed the dog. I got busy and lost track of time. Typical ADHD! But It doesn’t mean I’m a bad pet parent, I love our dog! Sometimes people forget things. I’m doing the best I can.”
One additional part I like to add in is the “and” statement. This gives you a chance to try to improve the situation. So, in our dog scenario, it would sound something like this: “And I’ll feed her right now, and try setting an alarm to help remind me next time.” Your energy isn’t drained by inner criticism, so you can use it to address the actual issue.
Not easy, I know. Breaking a years – or sometimes decades – long habit of being the villain in your own story can be incredibly difficult. But it is 100% worth it. Research has shown that developing self compassion can absolutely be life altering. That calm verbal hug that you are giving to yourself can help you to feel safe, and secure in the knowledge that if you mess up, it’s okay.
PS – For some strategies for making self compassion, rather than self condemnation, your go to, click here! https://digioh.com/em/33248/200780/evndrbqfty?demail=(email)